Moonlit horrors

I wrote this when feeling restless in the middle of the night, an idea came to me as I literally wrote it in the moonlight (coming through my window).

The full moon highlighted a girl standing outside her cottage. she sighed deeply staring at the stars in the sky, connecting the dots as she went. hearing a sudden movement, she started "Who's there?" she called, realising her stupidity as soon as the words left her mouth. Now they would know that she was aware of their presence, so they wouldn't make the same mistake. Morning was drawing close and a thin mist was falling, the change in temperature made her shiver. the chill alone did not make the hairs on the back of her neck raise slightly. as the cold moonlight glittered on the mist, her brain did a back flip, something was not right. She heard the thing/something/someone creep stealthily closer through the dense bush. the stars faded from sight as the sun finally arose above the horizon. The thing/Someone/Something drew near......

The other inhabitants of the cottage woke to a chilling scream. Then one by one they all held their breath as the waited for it to stop......they never took another breath.

Author's Note

The parts that are underlined need fixing but I don't know what to do. if you comment please could you suggest what I could do

Reviews

[mischeif]

You could put something, someone and then for the other one thats not underlined do thing. You should prouberbly change the brain did a back flip to something else like, Her heart started to pound or her stomach did a back flip or her mind went into a spasim ( No I don't know how to spell that word) or her blood ran cold, Her mind or body froze. there are a hundred possiblities. Enjoyed the story you guys are all about horrors aren't you.

[Bella-Marie]

It's really cool! I suggest you say the thing, and the back-flipping brain doesn't work for me, but other than that it is really chilling and very exciting to read!