drowning

An angst-ridden piece written when I was having a bad day.

eyes open
I drank in the dark
sucked at the tar
like it was air for breathing-
a last gasp.

 

i sucked and gasped and drank
like I could save the world
if I drank it all
myself.

 

treading water with my mouth open
I follow the current backwards.

 

too late,
an old teacher's voice echoing
rest your head back,
get a little balanced
now,
just float.

 

as the tar within solidifies
heavy limbs pull me down.

Author's Note

All constructive criticism is welcome, but please bear in mind that this poem's improper capitalisation is deliberate. Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Reviews

[Aurora Lynn]

This was a good write! Most angst ridden pieces tend not to be very literate, but this was a pleasent exception to the rule. I was a little bit confused on what you meant by 'an old teacher', but other than that I really enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you for writing and entering this into my contest!
~Aurora Lynn, from 'In Too Deep'

[PaperHearts]

I liked this a lot. There was something so stylised and unique about the way you wrote, and I thought that you described the terrible event of drowning in a really beautiful way. Your simple choice of words worked perfectly in creating the atmosphere of this piece, and I particularly liked the last stanza in which you described the 'tar' solidifying. When I first started reading the poem, I have to admit, it was a lot different to what I was expecting, but in saying that, you left me speechless, and pleasently surprised. :) Nice work,
~PaperHearts