A retrospective out look on my dad

A Story by Pinky

1st thing i wrote about my dad... good news he broke the writers block i had going...

*****NOTE*****

This is the 1^st thing I wrote about my dads suicide… I wrote it Saturday b4 his very very small service. There are a lot of issues for everyone about my adoption and this my dad committing suicide didn’t help at all… my birth mom started in with me… I cant even have ne thing that was my dads because his mom (my grandma) hates me… she has never even meet me but because my bmom was a w***e and a jezebel I am too…. My dads Gibson guitar that he always promised me I cant have… it’s a big mess… plus its causes sooo many good and bad ripples in my pool…

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By getting to meet my dad I learned a lot about myself. I learned where my love of music came from and my love for art. I learned that my creative side and my quest for knowledge of the mind came from him. In meeting him I got a stronger sense of who I am and I was never able to repay him for that.

Of course the 1^st thing that troubled me was why… Obviously being plagued mentally for the rest of his life was a fate worse then death. Because of his mental condition he wasn’t able to be around as much as he wanted to. I am guessing. I am also guessing that at times of some clarity he would call or show up. That makes all the even small minute long conversations more cherishable and to remember all the good times even though few and far between.

My aunt told me the other day that she knew my dad loved me. She knew him his whole life and she never got a present from him. The 1^st year I met him he got me a special production shirt and a production back stage pass of a concert he worked and I was at. In fact we were at the same place at the same time quite a bit before we met. Also Brandon’s 1^st xmas he bought Brandon a stuffed snoopy and reindeer slippers…. The wrapping job was awful… imagine Tommy Chong wrapping a present and that’s what my dads wrapping job looked like. Still he tried…. that’s all that matters. When he dropped his horrorably wrapped gifts off he held Brandon for the first time. I will never forget how nervous he looked. That year 2 days after xmas he called me asking me if Brandon needed a bike I said sure why not, thinking that he meant tricycle. I was wrong he got Brandon not just 1 but 2 full sized bikes… Brandon was 6 mos old at the time he couldn’t even stand yet but he had 2 full sized bikes. I will always remember and tell that story. Along with countless others. Being broken down on the 202 and there out of no where was my dad. I will remember waking up to the sound of his voice screaming Allison coming from behind my apartment, opening up the window and looking for him but he wasn’t there. Then a few minutes later I heard it coming from the front of my apartment opened the front door and there was my dad… “sorry honey I forgot which one was yours”. I will remember the 1st time he saw Mallory and the 1^st time he saw Mallory crawl. I will remember the time we sat round watching the Pantera behind the music. I will remember our 1^st phone conversation that lasted 2 hours. In the course of we talked about everything from music to religion and ended by reciting parts from Monty python and the holy grail. I will remember the 1^st time I met him and him trying to cook for me. I will remember going to the karaoke bar. He was being a dork putting on my aunts glasses and having kind of a snorting laugh. In fact I think that when I make that laugh I will for the rest of my life think about him. I will remember the day he spend at my house. Matt and him got along… It was a good day for us. I will remember how happy he was when I gave him a small fake xmas tree the 1^st yr I met him. I will remember when he forgot my bday and had the right month. Not that he didn’t care just that he was in his own world. I will remember that he told me he was going to get the ford running and get his license back. Which he did…he got that old ford galaxy running… not that it ran great but still it was running. With remembering there comes a sense of loss. I will never have to worry about him getting drunk at my wedding and knocking over my wedding cake…it was one of my biggest fears about my wedding. So now I think that when/if I get married I will have 2 cakes one to eat and one to knock on the floor. My birth day is Monday and there will be no call from him in a week saying” I’m sorry honey how was your birth day?” I will never get to see if he improves his wrapping skills. I will miss that forever. I know he is complete now, I know that finally he has inner peace. He always accepted me for who I am he never tried to change me. He took it as a privilege to know me. I will miss him forever but I know that he still lives in me and who I am.

© 2008 Pinky

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Reviews

Tyler James

This is massively deep and brutally honest, remembering the good things as you watched reactions and feelings and emotions, especially liked the way that small humour crept in with the two wedding cakes.