Place the blame

More of a monologue than anything else

I thought it was her fault. Couldn't she see I was hurting? Didn't she know I needed her? So what if I was distant? So what if I was about to lose my job? Why'd she have to leave? I still loved her...even if I didn't show it that much. Why did she say she was scared of me? I only punched one wall! It's not like I was a monster or anything. There are just times I would get so mad! Doesn't she know I just needed some time? It wasn’t like I could make my dad better. It’s not like she could understand how it feels to have a loved one dying before your eyes. She just refused to understand! I can't believe she left me! She wouldn’t ever give me a second chance. If it weren't for her leaving, I could be happy!

I thought it was his fault. Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? He had told me to treat her better, but I treated her great! I knew she trusted him, but he must have taken advantage of that! She was low, and vulnerable. He tricked her into being with him, I know it! It wasn't that he cared when I didn’t, he just tricked her, that's right! He traded our friendship for a cheap fling! If it weren't for him, I know I could be happy!

I thought it was their fault. They didn't even stop to consider how it would make me feel to see the girl I loved with my best friend! If they had just stopped to consider me and my feelings for a second I know things would be different! I know that they are just two, selfish people who are just out to hurt me! I know if it weren't for them, I know I could be happy!

Maybe...maybe it's not their fault. Maybe, I did change. Maybe I wasn’t the man I thought I was. Maybe…I didn’t treat her right. Maybe she did give me that second chance…and the third…and the fourth. Maybe I should have tried harder at work. Maybe I would be better off if I had listened to her all of those times she told me I needed to do better...Maybe it’s not their fault I’m unhappy.

Maybe…it's my fault. Maybe, I haven't had a date in over two years because I have nothing to offer. Maybe this bland hate as left me nothing more than a crippled shell of what I once was.  Maybe it's not that I am just too hurt, maybe I let myself go too much. Maybe it’s me making my unhappy…

Now I know it's my fault. I should have cared more. I should have tried harder. I should have listened to her. I should have listened to him. Maybe it's always just been me...because now, I have no one else to blame. I have to face what I have become. I have to admit, that everything that happened to me...was done by my pride.

It was all my fault...but now that I know that, can I change? Is it too late for me? Or can I become the man I always wanted to be?