Betrayal that brought the Messenger

The visit that made me believe

Have you ever been betrayed cut to pieces by the one you love

Left to bleed at the hand of an invisible enemy

Well this story is about love, betrayal, bitterness, salvation and victory

There was a woman call Patrice who had forgotten her true love

A Spirit and creator that saw her true inward beauty

He loved her although she was broken, stubborn and weak

She was carved by his very own mighty hands

In her he had hidden away many talented creative gifts in which 

He knew she will discover as she trusted and walked with him

As time went by and Patrice marriage ended and her life felt tormented by heartaches

Lies, bitterness, anger and pain she had found herself being swallowed by loneliness

Every corner was filled with memories of emptiness, long suffering and vows that carried no weight

How can ten years of marriage end in hatred, deceit and the birth of a child not her own

But that of another woman who she called a friend no a sister

Louise had known Patrice for almost fifteen years and more 

Her sister was Patrice very best friend in whom she had once lived with for over two years and a bit

They relationship was  sealed with a sisterly bond until Louise had entered Patrice marital bed

Both Louise and Patrice was sharing the same man unknowingly to Patrice  

This betrayal only came to surface when Patrice husband Clifford was asleep on the sofa

Curled up like a ball drunk in sleep as his phone rang constantly 

Then when there was no reply the text arrived and read 'I am six months pregnant'.

Patrice for hours gazed at the message as she tried to make sense of it all

On that day she had asked herself a thousand questions none of which were honestly answered

Why, How and when 

Did he truly love her or was she the mistress and not the wife although she wore the ring

This deep betrayal left Patrice torn, shattered, broken and tearful

What was to become of her and the kids 

Where would she find the words and strength to explain to their children what daddy had done

Weeks had slowly pass by as she remained silently hidden away in her grief pretending to the children

That daddy had gone away on a skiing adventure as she plotted away another lie

It was too much to even bear the thought that Daddy's little girl's where no longer going to be dancing with him.

On her bed as she contemplated what to say to her precious children she broke into tears as she fell upon her knees

asking Yah to deliver her and her children from betrayal and grief.

Comment if you are interested in hearing PART 2

Reviews

[JayG]

Needs an upgrade in technique, I'm afraid, because you've fallen into the most common trap in writing for the page.

You're transcribing yourself storytelling. When you read this, you perform, so it works. But...you've given the reader your storyteller's script, and they have no way to know how YOU would perform it. But how can it work if the reader doesn't see and hear the storyteller's performance—even if they have to do it?

That aside, replacing the sentence's end punctuation with a return ignores why punctuation was invented. Take a read of Eats, Shoots and Leaves, by Lynne Truss to see why it's necessary. It's a fun read. And have your computer read the piece to you to better hear what the reader gets.

Unfortunately, using skills that dosn't reproduce either sound or vision,can't work. To write for the page you need the skills that were developed for that.

There's no reason you can't master them, but, master them you must, because nothing-else-works.

So grab a good book on adding wings to your words, like Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivatin & Conflict, and dig in.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334
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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow