A Poor Attempt for Bro Salvatore

A poem.eight metric feet to the line

 

A poor attempt

 

The water mill beside the stream, highlighted by a stray moonbeam.

Which adds an abstract quality,a touch of surreality.

To the scene which I can see and makes it extraordinary

The stream is deep and strong but slow and turns the paddles from below.

The droplets falling from the wheel to any poets eyes appeal

Reflecting light prismatically in rainbow colours flying free.

They join the moon light in a dance of ever changing radiance

Sadly dark clouds obscure the moon; the show is ended all too soon.

My soul is soothed and satisfied, although the dark clouds came to hide

the beauty which I saw displayed.The memories will never fade.

I can recall them vividly and in my minds eye I still see

the wondrous scene I saw tonight. An interplay of dark and light.

 I try my best to share with you the beauty that I had in view.

 Though I’m afraid I lack the skill despite the fact I have the will.

I am quite sure you’ll understand, I’m just a man I can’t command

the words I write to show to you, the fleeting beauty that I knew..

 

22-Nov-08

 

http:// blog.myspace.com/poeticpiers

Reviews

[David Lewis Paget]

The inability to articulate a scene of beauty is not a fault in ourselves, but in that of language itself. Our language is poor in certain areas, in that of description especially. The original Anglo-Saxon had no romance words in it, we had to wait for the Normans to bring over their French terms for that. Perhaps as poets that is our task; to design new ways of using what words we have to indicate emotional responses rather than physical realities.

[Syke]

The poem seems to meander on it's way to an unknown destination, but in the last lines, all is revealed! Amazing! Beautiful! The poem speaks of an inner truth!
The second line, third line, has 15 syllables instead of 16, and if there are any other errors, I didn't catch them.

[Sagemind]

That was incredible. You really paint a picture, and I liked the way you rhymed.