Water Music

sonnet variant

Water music

I hear the music of the waterfall.
I am held fast entranced against my will.
It's ceaseless flowing fluid melody
more potent than the fabled sirens call.
I cannot think nor can I move at all.
Completely absorbed by the symphony
it is as if that time is standing still.
Nothing seems to matter, nothing at all.
I am enraptured by the waterfall
Quite unaware that I've duties to fulfil
I think it may be true quite possibly
I'm not averse to being held in thrall.
There is no where I'd rather be
than where I am just listening quietly.

24/06/2009
http:// blog.myspace.com/poeticpiers

Reviews

[Jessica]

i loved this poem! you explained the beauty of a waterfall very well! Good Job!

[Beatrice Boyle (Grandm..]

This is absolutely beautiful Ivan...the words flow as the waterfall itself!

You have brought me to a place of extreme serenity...as it does when I listen to my favorite classical music.
When I am completely stressed out, I pop in my CD of Rachmaninoff's 2nd piano concerto, or a movement from Mahler's 5th symphony, and I am transported to another...peaceful...world where I can loose myself in the moment.

Thank you for this.

Bea

[Tanzanite]

Some of the lines flow smoothly, but most seem forced because of the rhyme and meter without having anything new to say in the line - it repeats without taking us on any kind of journey - witout any surprises and I think water music, even though serene, is not stagnant.

I'm a blunt person. You may hate the way I review. I don't mean to offend.

I would encourage you to print this out and highlight your favorite lines, just because they are your favorite and to see how short you can make this poem and say what it is you want to say, still keeping the lilt and rhyme you were after. Then sit back and read it again and ask yourself - did it really have to have all those other words? As it reads now it is a bit cluttered.

[R. L. Ambar]

Really like this piece, i myself get caught up in the beauty of nature and the music it provides. It is sad that so much of natures beauty is over looked by busy lives. I believe that when someone slows down and takes in all that is truly around us, they are reaching back to the beginning of life, from where we all once came. You captured this rather well, you have a way with yours.

#_#

Rachelle