The Little Mermaid

my take on the deep sea tale.

Deep beneath the inky green sea, she dances among the willowy soft seaweed, more elegantly then a seal, whose shiny cold skin is suited to the task of enchantment. Even so, she dances, slicing and separating the water behinds her into whirlpools of excited air bubbles and loose sand sprayed out like glitter. She loves the water, and takes in deep breaths of it, her paper-thin ivory gills quivering. Fish scurry nervously in her presence, simultaneously frightened and curious. The ones small and bland enough not to be noticed, swarm in her hair, which is as long and tangled as kelp. The others swarm, hiding in the shadow of her, looking up, pleased with themselves at their cunning. Beautiful smooth stones roll along the ocean bed as she rushes by. She closes her eyes, as she maneuvers through the currents, and the stifled rays of sun, that somehow find their way into the thick dark gray waters near the end of the sea.

Reviews

[Pinki Girl]

I love the descriptive words. It gives you the feeling of the water swirling around yourself and the vision of sea creatures around you, some unnoticeable.

[bookworm]

short, sweet and to the point. i like it good job

[Natalie]

Lovely lyrical writing. I am not sure whether the words "whose shiny cold skin" refer to the seal or the mermaid. Also i'm stopped by the word "swarm" the first time you use it. Try another word for "maneuver". Re my "The travel from Hell" -I thought I was just signing up. I have a new computer an am adjusting to Windows7 but will begin writing in another week or two. thanks for your encouragement. Not sure about the scoring, think you can easily rate higher.
Natalie-Holualoa

[QuothCorvid]

"paper-thin ivory gills quivering" Good imagery! Curious about swirlpools did you mean whirlpools? This is an interesting take on a classic tale. A slice if you will out of the middle of the story. I always liked the fairy tale!

[Rachel U.]

This felt very much like a prose poem. It was very beautiful; I liked your interpretation of the more classical story. This felt like a character deconstruction of the Little Mermaid.
Typographical errors:
1. Simultaneously
2. Maneuvers
Good work. :)

[Katerina C]

this is very imaginative. im liking it man