The Judgement

MLK and Jimmy Carter have jury duty

It’s a fairly ordinary day in heaven, as Jimmy Carter goes about his routine. Not one to lull about in idle ways, (although he could if he wanted) he prefers staying busy, just as he had done when mortal. 

A familiar voice comes from behind. “Jimmy, hold up!” 

He turns and greets his old friend. “Good morning, Martin! What’s going on?”

Martin Luther King Jr. says, “We’ve been invited.”

“Invited to what, Martin?”

“Well, Yahweh wants us to sit in on a judgement.”

Jimmy is stunned. “He wants us to be present at a judgement?”

“Yes. It’s unusual, I know, but God wants our input.”

“You and I? God the all powerful and mighty wants input from us?”

“It’s a very special case, Jimmy. It’s a President.”

A light comes on in Jimmy Carter’s head. “Okay. Now I understand. It’s who I think it is--right?”

“You’re not wrong,” replies Martin. “God’s ready for us now, so we should go.”

Martin and Jimmy proceed directly to the Hall of Judgement, where the newly deceased President stands naked before God. A full account of his life is given, from birth to the end, and it looks bad. Very bad.

Martin whispers to Jimmy, “It’s going to be the burning lake of fire for him, isn’t it?”

Jimmy nods his head in the affirmative. “As sure as peanuts need rain to grow.”

An angel hands blank slips of paper to both Martin and Jimmy, along with quills and  small inkpots. No instructions are needed.

Martin looks at Jimmy. “Do you think he deserves leniency? He really was an awful person.”

Jimmy lowers his head. “Yes, he was. He was everything God tells us not to be. He built his treasure on Earth, but has not a nickel invested up here. Since he was a President, I’d like to cut him a wee bit of slack, however.”

“I agree. We should all be merciful. We could recommend he be put in a tank with sharks. He really hates those.” 

Jimmy thinks a minute, then says, “I don’t think Jehovah would go for that. Probably not severe enough.”

Martin tells Jimmy, “I worked on a hog farm when I was young. Have you ever smelled a hog farm?”

Jimmy smiles. “Oh, yes. That smell is about the worst there is. And then you’ve got all that slop and mud. I knew a hog farmer who got four of his toes bitten off by those oinkers.”

Jimmy and Martin write out their recommendations and hand the slips to the angel. 

One second later…

Beelzebub's new worker whines and threatens to sue as he steps into the waist deep mixture of mud and hog manure. Now bald as a bowling ball, dressed in bib overalls and a T-shirt, he takes his place beside Caligula and Ivan the Terrible. 

 

His tiny hands flailing, he screams, “Help! Where’s my Roy Cohn?”

Old Scratch laughs aloud and tells him, “He’s in the barn, preparing your hot lava enema!”

Author's Note

I might get disappeared for this.

Reviews

[Lorry]

Apologies Samuel. I thought I was reviewing this but just tacked it onto someone else's review. My bad. So here is my comment....

I feel a premonition coming on... I reckon he'll die on July the fourth, or at least the sky will look that way when every firework in the world is lit in celebration! 😃
If only he could take some of his cronies with him. Maybe he could be strapped to a spacex rocket with must at the controls as it flips and burrows its way to he'll at mach 86! 😃
Whenever the day comes it will be a good day for common sense, if not freedom itself.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you. That's a great idea about the rocket, but it will need a passenger compartment for his crooked cronies. Soon, nobody will admit to having voted for him.

[Lorry]

MAGA hats will become the new tamagochi's, except worthless. I saw one person over here with what I thought was a maga hat, but it said make America groan again! 😃

[Samuel Dickens]

Maga people wear 25 dollar hats on their 50 cent heads.

[SweetNutmeg]

lol! That was wonderful. I've smelled a hog farm from a distance. That was quite enough for me. I know wild boars kill humans quite easily. Can domesticated pigs? Being killed once a day by a pig would be a good punishment. Perhaps the tormented soul could be borne down under the muck and drown in pig s**t once a day. Twice if he tries to sue anyone.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you. I sure wouldn't want to be in his shoes when judgement comes.

[Samuel Dickens]

I know we shouldn't feel joy at at the misfortune of others, but it's gonna be hard not to when that abomination goes down.

[SweetNutmeg]

I won't feel joy, necessarily, but I will feel satisfaction and relief. I will be glad. And i'm not going to try to not feel glad. He's earned every bit of my condemnation. I cannot immagine a more irreligious person than the cheeto. He does the absolute opposite of what Jesus preaches. Openly, with no excuse or apology. Even bragging about his sinful actions. He's a horrible person an I will be glad when this world is rid of him. I hope he dies an ignominious death, such as on the toilet. Not just for my satisfaction, but also because if he dies of natural causes in an ignominious way, it will be harder to make a maryr out of him.

[Pete]

ouch. you're sure serving up the slop. thanks for the chuckle.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thanks, Pete. Sometimes, slop is what's for dinner.

[Pete]

ain't that the truth ...

[Emunah June.]

I howled out laughing reading this. You said everything you needed to without saying too much or too little. You are amazing, this is gold. Absolutely gold.

[Samuel Dickens]

Thank you. I'm happy to know you enjoyed it.