Mirrors and Scales

My relationship with mirrors and scales.

I look down

at the numbers on the scale.

I frown.

I'm such a fail.

I look back up

at my reflection in the mirror.

A close up,

it couldn't be clearer.

I'm sick.

"Skin and bones".

"Ten pounds soaking wet."

My rib cage is prominent.

The bones reaching out

to the food I can't eat: acknowledgement.

I will get better.

I will.

I am getting better.

I am.

If you've read some of my other works on this site, you'll know my anxiety has never been kind to me. Often times, as I talk about in this poem, I can't eat because of it. It takes away my appetite even when it feels like knives are stabbing me in my stomach. I got used to the pain and stopped fighting at one point. Everyday I would look in the mirror and see that my bones were sticking out a little bit more. I got questions from my family about me trying to lose weight. I brushed them off without answering. I was embarrassed that I couldn't control my weight. I was dropping pounds and fast. I didn't want to be that way.

One morning, I got on the scale. I read the number: 98.6. Now some might think "Oh that's not too bad." But I'm five foot five inches. For my height, I should at least be 110. Average is around 114-149. I broke down crying, alone in my bathroom. Both of my parents were at work and my sister was off at classes. I'm currently taking high school online so my school day is spent at home. It's better for my anxiety because I can actually concentrate. That day I decided that things were going to change. I started eating dinner. A week later, I was able to start eating lunch. 

I still haven't been able to eat breakfast, though. My anxiety is way too high in the morning. But I am working on it. Currently I weigh 106.3 pounds. I've gained almost ten pounds back and I can't wait to gain the rest. I have so much more energy now and I'm able to do more physical activities. I'm starting to get my health back.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Thank you for explaining how an eating disorder can be, but not necessarily bulimia or anorexia. I never associated anxiety or other mental disorder as being part of an eating disorder, the way you explain it. It guess it's no different than those of us who eat to conquer our anxiety. Anyhow. I think the best part about your entire posting here is your gentle honesty without feeling like you have an axe to grind or a point to make. You're just helping people understand something we might not have ever known about. I think the title is brilliant, far beyond your immediate message here, because mirrors & scales most certainly torture a good many of us in so many different ways.

[Quinn W]

I originally wasn't even going to write about my story. I was more interested in writing about how mirrors and scales and numbers can trick us into believing we are things we aren't. Then, as I was writing, it became more about me and I decided to change it up a bit.

[William Liston]

It's good to hear about your progress, Quinn. People don't realize that weighing too little can be just as unhealthy as weighing too much, so it's all about finding that balance. Thanks for sharing.

- William Liston