Just Once

I don't think this is good...so criticism is definately welcome!!

Just once I would love to
Watch your face as
The mask slips from
My face...

Just once I would love to
See your disgust as
I show the darkness
That resides within..

Just once I would love to
Choke you with the
Evil that resides within
This wounded soul...

Just once I would love to
Show you the blood
Seeping through my
Twisted spirit....

Just once I would love to
Shout at you exactly what
Is wrong with me,
Inside this broken shell...

Just once I would love to
Make you ask me why
I am what I am inside
Apathetic, really...

Just once I would love to
Lock you inside this
Gilded cage in which
I painfully reside....

Just once I would love to
Show you what resides
Behind this cracked and
Distorted mask...

Reviews

Very nice emotion I liked it!!

[Rambling Prose]

Hello Karol,

Contrariwise, my perception of this piece is that of a well penned, poignant expression of strong emotions. However, I would like to offer up a few suggestions; the key word here is: suggestions.

In the first stanza: I would consider changing the last line to simply read - Mine...The reader, will undoubtedly connect the two.

Just once I would love to
Watch your face as
The mask slips from
Mine...

I'm also wondering if it wouldn't read smoother without the repetitiveness of 'just once'?

PERHAPS:

Just once I would love to
Watch your face as
The mask slips from
Mine...

To see your disgust as
I show the darkness
That resides within...

Choke you with the
Evil that resides within
This wounded soul...

Show you the blood
Seeping through my
Twisted spirit....

Shout at you exactly what
Is wrong with me,
Inside this broken shell...

Make you ask me why
I am what I am inside
Apathetic, really...

Lock you inside this
Gilded cage in which
I painfully reside....

Just once...

I would love to
Show you what resides
Behind this cracked and
Distorted mask...

Again, these are nothing more than suggestions. You are the heart of the write and you know what feels best to you.

Poignant write...