two thumbs in the dark

A Poem by Rip

having a bed and no one to love is just another cold reminder that I've never been enough
he told me
"I like the way you think"
but called me "crazy" as he was leaving he said so many things like how I taught him how to love and showed him what it was but that now he had to go
to give what I taught him to someone else
he asked why I wasn't begging him to stay this time
because I am worth much more than the tear stains, broken glass, and blood that collects on the bathroom floor
he came flying back in through the front door saying he was seeing red but the only red I saw were the hand prints he left on my arms and rug burn on my face
quick to tell me how my family thinks I'm a disgrace
never thinking before he speaks
always showing his teeth
I stay quiet trying not to insight another riot
my head is throbbing
my heart feels like its going to burst
everyone tells me it's going to get worse
hyperventilating
staring at the drain in the shower
wishing I too could slide down it and disappear
the cold water has never felt so warm
everything is spinning
I peak out of the shower curtain and see him grinning
he's 98 degrees but his touch is frigid
green dust
I can't remember what he did
it haunts me still deep within
if I leave I'll be forced to accept the fact that I'll never get that piece of myself back
I don't want her to go but I know that if I ever want to amount to anything I must allow myself to grow
I've watered plants but I don't know if I have ever watered myself
I've always just looked out for everyone else
photosynthesis is not a scary thing but I am not a plant I'm a human being
you think by the age of 20 I'd have a hang of things
the older I grow the more complicated it gets
I can't continue on like this
my safe places are gone
I don't know where to go
i'm starting to spiral downward into a deeper depression
maybe its time to book another counseling session
I've been at war my entire life
I wish one day to live and not just
Survive