The Factory

The Stolen Generation

The Factory

©2019 Sachi Ruaya

 

May they have stripped, in such vast motion;
Away the beauty of our skin

Lashing our flesh out,

Boiling us in acid

And lastly takings your only child;

To start the mass of manufacture

Of a brainwashed generation

Nay! Been soul washed!

Aye! The children has only been

Stripped from cultural virginity

Tortured by minds, factories of generations

Heed to whom no plead

Profit? Fair skin?

Just feed their lusty ego!

And paint an illusion of moral sense…

Aye! Shall vicious skin shall not see the beauty;

In the stories of paper and paper of stories

(Little do they know; voices of the elder still pounce to this day)

But will the white rabbits strive for profit?

Not a time machine; heed we need

Then: an eager sight of dark complexion wrapped in posh attire

Post: Stereotypes? Ugh… the rush to fill the mould

The Breeds of Tainted Complexion.

 

 

Author's Note

Honestly not my best work and written within a 15min time frame but honestly needed to be written down. Haven't been active on writers cafe since most of my writing is handwritten~

Reviews

[JayG]

This works for you because you have context and intent. The reader has neither, unless you supply them. So when you say, "May they have stripped, in such vast motion;" The reader has no idea of who "they" are, who's speaking, or why. Nor do they have an idea of what motion you're referring to, or what "vast" means in the context of what's happening. In other words, a lot of the necessary context is in your head when ti should have been on the page.

That's why you need to edit from the seat of a reader, not the author. After all, it was written for the reader, so it should be as meaningful to them as to you, as it's read.

Two more minor points: First: The semicolon connects two fully independent sentences with a shorter stop than a period. It's not a super comma.

And finally, toss the zig-zag paragraphs. Poetry is made to be read aloud, juggling paragraphs come across as an effort to dress it up to try tyo make it more exciting. But that's the job of the wording.

Sorry, but you did ask. 🤪

[Sachi Ruaya]

Hahaha honestly your feedback is the greatest :)
I honestly don't know how I would reflect on my writing without you.

I'm really grateful for your feedback and I will do my best to improve my work with accordance to your feedback.

Thank you~

Sachiko

[inuSarah]

You have such a unique style of writing poetry! Greatly done!