A diary in my life: The desired life energy

17/10/2025

WHO am I ?

I am who i am . I never could change myself no matter how much i try . I think it is a brain programme or my life long habit. Every time i tried to change myself,i just destroyed me . The same way it is destroying me again . All through life ,i have only be bonded with lifeless stuffs. My own world where i dont listen any other heartbeat . Heartbeat of other being disturbs me in my own zone . May be i like my own heartbeat . I think growing alone is lifelong trouble . I am just running whenever i am facing another heartbeat with me . Should i run from his heartbeat or should i stay? His presence question my programme ,disturb my lifelong habits and zones. Can i really survive ? Bonding is killing a part of me or the core part of me ? It destroy your brain,thinking power , senses.

How hard is it for me to tolerate that?

How long i should run?

I lose myself ,i suffocate. Should i call it curse? Maybe. Maybe ,that is the biggest curse one can have .But why? Why connection with another being feels so burden after a long time . Why i loose myself? Can i get answer? May be not? Should i blame someone for myself? May be not.Once world suppressed me to be distant. Now i cannot be close. Should i call it abnormality? May be people will call me crazy for that. May be you long for bonding for a while ,but u cannot be in it. Will anyone accept me with that? May be it's terrible. Should i call it blessing? May be for the scary world. This splited inner world and outer world is a great clash . I walk through that. Or ,i am born for that. Universe gave a guidance to my path  through someone today. Is it so tough to reach my way?! So what, they will not know. I shall be strong gradually in my inner world and move . Let them be in illusion to stuck me . My spirit is born for freeness. The freeness i have ever dreamed. I am not going to waste my energy in them . Lets dream for freedom again,a freedom i always dreamed.The freedom of mind,thoughts and emotions. 

18/10/2025

Today is my another day of self talk. I went out . I bought a sketchbook,a diary . I came back to the queen castle garden .I was trying hard to control my tears. Lots of thoughts in my mind . A man with her 3-4 years old daughter came . He told her little daughter to play with me . Wow,i was happy instantly . Today was her birthday.I gave her chocolate .I said thanks for letting her to play with me .

The man said he noticed that i am sad. He asked me what happened. I avoided ..After a while he again asked. Then i said . His speech comforted me . It is really amazing how some people automatically come for helping us when we are down . A stranger came ,comforted me and went away. Some people are special. Yesterday i met my previous mentor . We had a 2 -3 hours long talk. Personal life ,academic. Some people are special. You can express anything to them like an open book. This is really precious.

I think i am trying a good technique . Just go out of room and keep walking without a destination . I enjoy that. Walk without destination. You don't remember where you started and where you will go. You just walk . You see the present .I think various things that time . All my overthinking ,stress,confusion,self exploration find its way in that time . All the suppressed emotions ,sadness, weird thoughts, life incidents come to mind , I observe and let it go . Writing is a good way too

. Being alone in this world ,walking own path . Too much disturbance around but you listen to your own thoughts ,feel your breath , understand your own heartbeat . There are lots of sound : car, cab,bus,people ,crowd etc. But you listen to your inner voice .You walk till your thoughts are not finished.once you get tired, all your suppressed,overthinking emotions get released.

Do you know what the man with daughter said today? It was : your parents will grow you up for a time . Its their responsibility .After that you have to decide how you want to live your life . Live that life in your own way. Dont live it on others consent . Life is precious. God gave you that. It hitted me . I lost myself and now i got me back . I felt the freeness and freedom in his words. I always felt caged under my parents , i felt caged in the presence of the man who like me . Freeness and freedom is precious .Especially, when you never came to know how freedom look like at the beginning half of your life .

People worship strictness . Somehow it protects people but at some point it harms . I still remember I did not have the right on my daily routine . I know my father protected me , wanted my good . But ,may be i was too sensitive to tolerate the strictness . I absorbed ,i got silent and generated trauma . It feels scary when other person decide when you should take shower , what you should eat and exactly when you should eat. When you should sleep,when you should stay awake , how you should eat. And everything was done forcefully , under scare,under beating,under control . Still, shouldn't I scare bonding and human ? I was scared,silent and crying hiding everyone’s eyes.. I was captivated not to go out of four walls. I was not allowed to talk ,mix or make any interaction with other human being.They produced me ,they became god of my life . I never wanted to keep this life . Isn’t death better than that ? They became my god ,they defined my life . They defined i should not go out and recite poem at competition. They beat me in front of neighbours openly just for i loved reading novel from class 3-4. All my silence was scare inside . They thought my silence love and obedience.This fear hunts me today too.

May be i am quite good at pretending or used too it from early childhood.

Then one day the world suppressed me ,scared me . I was just silent and never knew how to stand for myself . I tried to run . But world hunted me . I got trapped.And now may be universe want me to break the trap and to listen to myself. I wish one day it will be my life ,my freedom,my control,I shall do whatever i want to do . I wish at last the couple stops hunting me . I wish one day i really feel what is the actual feeling of life energy. I want to feel how it actually feels to be in full control of my life : economically ,mentally,spiritually,physically,socially etc everything . Before i learned how to speak , the world gave me tag of religion ,land,culture,society,people,norms.I wish one day i want to be free enough to choose for myself . I want to choose culture ,society,people,religious views,norms etc according to my consent,not others. Is it so far? Lets try once more fore the desired life energy ,i have longed for all through my life .

  

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

YOUR words are more than precious. You've spoken for so many people and - done it superbly well.

' . I wish one day i really feel what is the actual feeling of life energy. I want to feel how it actually feels to be in full control of your life : economically ,mentally,spiritually,physically,socially etc everything . Before i learned how to speak , the world gave me tag of religion ,land,culture,society,people,norms.I wish one day i want to be free enough to choose for myself . I want to choose culture ,society,people,religious views,norms etc according to my consent,not others. Is it so far? Lets try once more fore the desired life energy ,i have longed for all through my life .'

Many, many thanks for sharing, Rafia Noor Purbita.

[Rafia Noor Purbita]

Thanks a lot emmajoygreen :) I just wrote my heart.I am not good at vocal speaking much . But keyboard and pen helps a lot to share..I am happy still there are lot of people in world like me who feel the same . Means no one is alone in this world .There is always people feel same feeling at any part of the world .