Diary: Piece of me

Diary talk: finding me from lost me :)

How do you feel when you come to realize that your parents caged your half of life and now left you suddenly to struggle with the world where you have no idea about?

It's quite pathetic .At this point of life ,I see my rest of life . I wasted several years of my life in sadness. Still now I need to gather enough courage to live the life that I want.  I hate my parents for what they did with me all through my life . I struggled with the pain everyday that I didn't deserve . Still now i dont know how long it will take to get rid of these s***s.

But still,something I feel good about. I want to live the life I want ultimately. It takes lots of courage. I decided not to live for any man ,not to live for any parents,not to live for any society,not to live for any god. I want to live for myself . I know sometimes it feels lonely. But it's better to be lonely than being lonely inside while you live with a partner or family .

At the end of the day,it's all me .It's me who sleeps with me ,it's me who cuddles me,it's me who smells me . And I feel a connection ! How about the man I am talking with? You know still now you are lonely in life even after talking with someone daily . It really feels like a burden.I am getting tired day by day . I don't think any boy can really understand or care about me who have not faced abandonment ,suffocation,lonely childhood from families. I don't think that extrovert ,social ,family oriented mammas chicks can really anyday understand me or my gap. 

But what can I do? I cannot break it while I am into it. I cannot go against karma and I am very careful about that. Whatever I am doing is to try to make my inner universe strong and somewhere trying to stop focusing much . 

The morning starts with scrapbooking, my world of art after lunch and a night full with gratitude. Happiness lies in gratitude. That's my life motto.

Do you know what I am worried about?It's my career. Still I need to go a long way. I need to work actually. Right now ,I have just lost myself and am trying to get back to me. Or,you can say ,I am just trying to love myself again. I just wish that I find myself again and I promise I shall not listen to this world anymore and abandon me again . 

Last night a vacancy hitted me .It has been generated after that man entered my life . I was full of self love and now I am just dependent on others. I know it is a weak point. But I am not the one who loves weakness. I think at this phase of life, I need to find myself again,love more than before and learn to be full within myself . I am going to do that and be strong within myself !