Introduction and Chapter I: The Beginning of the End of the World

I warned you.

 

Introduction 

Hi, this is Scorpious Alpha, here to warn you about this book. It’s absolutely off the rails, and not for everyone. This is your only warning, you’ll swear it is the ramblings of an insane person. Originally a comic strip, the following book is loosely based on the Ballester Sallone comics I started writing and drawing in eighth grade back in 2003. They’ve long since disappeared in storage, so I’m going to try to remember what I can. Most of the content will be new material, but the background story is the same. To avoid confusion, yes, I’m a character and it’s just funny to me. Everything is meant to be funny, it’s just jokes. No matter how sick or depraved, it’s just supposed to be funny, but not everyone has the same taste in comedy. So, I’d like to present to you the story of Ballester Sallone, in all of its stream of consciousness glory. Enjoy! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Volume I 

Chapter I: The Beginning of the End of the World 

Alright, so one day, super genius Serge is working in his lab. “Are the test subjects ready?” he asks his assistant. 

“Uhh, yeah, I think so.” Says Oswald Middleton, a guy who looks just like him, but nerdier. Three men walk in and take their seats. “Test one, bulletproof skin." He says, as he takes a pistol and shoots the first guy, killing him. 

“Sir, we abandoned that project, remember? There were too many casualties.” 

“Oh yeah, that’s right, what test were we doing again?” 

“Cloning. We finally got the machine up and running again.” 

“Oh yeah, that’s right, it blew up after you were created.” 

“Precisely.” 

“Turn the Grinder on.” Oswald flips a switch, and a giant machine that resembles a wood chipper turns on. “Ok, let’s see here... Oswald, dispose of the body please.” Oswald tosses the body into the Grinder and nothing but liquid comes out the other side, and into the lake outside of the lab. “Ok, so who wants to go first? Ballester Sallone, or...Scott?” 

“Duh, I’ll go!” Scott, a moron says. He runs into the cloning machine and Serge turns it on. All of a sudden, the machine overheats, and explodes. The shockwave knocks Serge, Ballester, and Oswald backwards. Clones upon clones pour out of the cloning machine. There are so many, that some of the Scotts fall into the Grinder. Serge gets up and checks the display on the cloning machine which is flashing an infinity symbol. Serge smashes the machine, stopping the process as Scotts continue to pour out. Upon its destruction, they stop. They all leave the lab, as the other two get up. 

“Is everyone ok?” Serge asks. 

“Ballester is ok, but Oswald’s dead.” I tell him. 

“Who was that?” Serge asks. 

“Up here, you idiot.” I say. Serge looks up at me. 

“Are you God?” 

“You could say that.” 

“What happened?” 

“You wiped out humanity, genius. Look outside.” Serge looks outside and sees an apocalyptic wasteland. 

“Is there anyone left?” 

“Don’t worry, I didn’t kill everyone, just most of the world, like ninety percent.” 

“But why?” 

“It’s your own fault, using uranium in your machine.” 

“How am I even talking to you?”  

“Look in the mirror.” He does, and notices a blank space where his left eye used to be. 

“What the hell?” 

“That’s what happen when you f**k around, you find out.” He starts laughing hysterically. “What’s so funny?” 

“I’m going to rule the world!” 

“Oh, you’ve went from genius to evil genius, huh?” He keeps laughing hysterically. “Yep, I know that laugh.” Meanwhile, Ballester is rolling a joint. 

“I don’t feel any different.” Says Ballester Sallone, a bald, muscled, bandana wearing, military man says to me. 

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ve got a side effect too. You’re immortal.” 

“What? What do you mean I’m immortal? I only signed up to be an experiment because I was sure it’d lead to my death! F**k this s**t man, I’m out.” He jumps into the Grinder. 

“This means I can get all the money! Hey, Ballester, don’t die, I have a job for you!” Serge says. 

“How much does it pay?” Ballester says as he walks into the lab. “What the- what the f**k? How am I alive?” 

“I told you, you’re immortal!” I tell him. Man, some people just don’t listen. 

“Fuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkk!” 

“I’ll pay you whatever you want, and I’ll supply you with whatever you want.” Serge tells him. 

“Anything? How about a million for every job I do, and any weapon I want?” 

“Sure.”  

“Consider it done, what do I have to do?”  

“I want you to go out there and tell me what it looks like out there, and kill any Scotts you find.” 

“Do I get to kill anyone else I want?” 

“Sure, I don’t give a f**k.” 

“Sweet, maybe being immortal will work for me.” Ballester goes outside and starts walking around, checking things out, looting, and doing whatever he wants, there’s no law that says he can’t. He takes a s**t in the middle of the street, and as he does, he spots Scott. So he picks up his s**t, and throws it at him. Scott sees the s**t flying towards him, and he opens his mouth and catches it, eating it. Ballester c**k slaps Scott in the face, knocking him over. He pulls the gun out of his pocket and shoots Scott in the back of the head and pisses on the body. A pack of nearby wild dogs come over and start tearing at the body. Ballester walks back, spinning the gun in his fingers, whistling ‘You Are My Sunshine’. 

“What? No I’m not!” Ballester yells at me. 

“Yeah you are, because I say you are.” I tell him. 

“That is sooo gay!” Ballester whines. 

“How about ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb’?” 

“What? That’s even worse!” 

“And we’ve only just begun.” I laugh hysterically, because his life is now in my hands. Ballester returns to the lab. 

“Everyone’s dead, everything’s burned, and I killed Scott. Now, pay up, fuckhead.” 

“You killed all the Scotts already?” Serge asks. 

“No, I killed one.” 

“You need to kill all of them to get the full payment.” 

“What? You piece of s**t!” 

“Speaking of s**t, you smell like s**t.” 

“Yeah, I forgot to wipe my a*s.” 

“Dude, gross. Just go, wipe your a*s, and get back here.” 

“Why?” 

“Cause I have a new gun for you.” 

“Ooh, what kind of gun?” 

“It’s a gun that shoots piss.” 

“So... a water gun full of piss?” 

“Maybe. I’m still running on this high, being maniacal has never felt so good!” 

“You’ve experienced it before?” 

“No!” He says as he grins. “I’m just going to keep working on weapons for you to use. Go, wipe your a*s and kill some more Scotts.” 

“How many exactly are there?” 

“I’ll know once I get the cloning machine up and running.” 

“Whatever.” Ballester leaves the lab and starts walking around again. He hears a baby crying, abandoned, all alone in an alley, its parents dead from the apocalypse. Ballester takes the knife out of his pocket, stabs the baby in the head, and throws it away in a dumpster. He raids a police station, robs a bank, and runs over another Scott in his brand new sports car. Scott gets back up, but Ballester just backs over him, sits on his body, shifts into neutral, and spins the tires, ripping Scott’s body into pieces. He speeds away, and heads back to the lab to drop his armory off. There he sees a Scott fall into the lake and drown. Ballester just points and laughs at him before going inside. “That’s another two Scotts dead.” Ballester tells Serge. 

“Did you see that idiot drown?” Serge laughs. 

“Yeah, what a dumbass.” 

“Hilarious. Ok, so I learned that two hundred and forty seven Scotts managed to be created. Minus the twenty three that fell into the Grinder, the Scotts that you killed, that just leaves two hundred and twenty one.” 

“Heh, four twenty.” 

“Heh, yeah. Wait, that doesn’t make any sense, it’s two twenty.” 

“And you’re a fart.” 

“What?” 

“Fart eater.” 

“M**********r, I’ll kill you right here right now.” 

“Go ahead, I wanna die.” 

“Ok.” Serge takes a gun, and shoots Ballester in the head, and Ballester dies again. Two minutes later, he gets up, sneezes the bullet out, and walks back outside. “I love my job.” Ballester starts walking, and comes across a guy eating a dead body. 

“Oh, thank God, another person.” The guy says. 

“Yeah, there’s not much of us left.” Ballester says.  

“Yeah, I saw another guy, but he was really stupid, he didn’t understand me. Luckily, he fell off of a cliff and died.” 

“Oh yeah, those are Scotts, they’re everywhere, man.” 

“There’s more?” 

“Yeah, he got cloned too many times.” 

“Oh, I see.” 

“So, who are you eating, there?” 

“I- I don’t know, I’m starving, and just started eating.” 

“Is there no food left?” 

“I- I didn’t check.” 

“Lemme get a bite of that.” The guy rips off an arm and gives it to Ballester. Ballester stabs it with a knife, and takes out a torch from his pack. He lights the arm on fire and starts eating it after a few minutes. 

“Can I use your torch there, uh-?” 

“Name’s Ballester.” 

“My name is Jason.” 

“Jason, huh? Come with me, I got someone for you to meet.” They go to the lab. “Hey boss, I found someone out there for you.” 

“Wanna take part in some experiments?” Serge asks. 

“What’s it pay?” 

“Food and shelter.” 

“F**k yeah, what’s the experiment?” 

“Oh, I just. I just uh, wanted to see if I could replace body parts with other body parts, maybe add some extra body parts.” 

“Like having two dicks? Cause that would be sweet!” 

“We’ll see. Ballester, you can go back to work. Bring me more people, kill Scott, and find out exactly how much of the world’s population is left.” 

“Sure, boss.” Ballester says. He goes to the nearest store, and notices that the food was unaffected by the blast. He grabs what he wants, and loads up his pack with some. He starts walking and doesn’t come across anyone, not even a Scott for miles. “There sure are a ton of dead bodies everywhere, just how many people are left?” 

“Not including you three and the Scotts?” I ask him. 

“Yeah.” 

“I’d say about fifty.” 

“In the world?” 

“Yeah.” I laugh. 

“Why?” 

“Cause I hate people. People are, by nature, scum.” 

“Jesus f**k, dude!” 

“What are you going to do about it?” 

“Well, I can’t kill myself, that’s out of the question, you made me immortal.” 

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” 

“In this world? Yes, there’s nobody to f**k, no drugs, and I only agreed to do this expecting to die.” 

“Sucks to be you.” 

“F**k you!” 

“Be nice to me or I’ll make you regret it.” 

“I already regret surviving, what else could you possibly do to me?” 

“Wanna find out?” 

“F**k no!” A bear comes out of the woods, and roars at Ballester. “Oh, s**t! What the f**k? What the f**k?” He screams as he starts running. I couldn’t help but laugh. He starts shooting at it, and eventually kills it. “Oh, thank f**k!” 

“That was funny as all hell.” 

“That wasn’t funny!” 

“I thought it was. Besides, why do you care? Not like you’d die from it.” 

“Still, man! It was a huge f*****g bear!” 

“Well, guess what?” 

“What?” The bear gets up and starts chasing Ballester again. This s**t is funny to me. I watched him get chased and waste ammo trying to kill the f*****g thing, and just for fun, the bear breathes fire now. “You sadistic f**k!” 

“No, sadistic would be this:” The bear catches Ballester, and starts chewing on him and rips him apart with its giant paws. 

“Why the f**k am I still alive? I feel everything!” The bear eats the meat off of Ballester’s bones. The bear s***s him out and goes on its merry way. A new body grows over the bones, and Ballester feels the whole process. “Why? Why so much pain?” 

“That’s ok, I’ve got an idea.” A spaceship comes by and abducts Ballester. 

“What the fu-?” He begins to say as he’s abducted. 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[SophieGrey]

Hello Scorpious Alpha,

I hope this message finds you well. I recently came across your work on Writerscafe and was truly impressed by your storytelling and the way you bring your characters to life. Your stories have a strong voice and cinematic quality that I believe could translate beautifully into other formats.

I would love the opportunity to discuss with you the possibility of:

Publishing your work in book formats (both digital and print).

Exploring an adaptation into a comic/graphic novel, expanding its reach to a wider audience.

I believe your writing has great potential to resonate with readers on multiple platforms, and I’d be honored to share ideas on how we can bring your stories to more audiences.

If you’re open to it, I’d be happy to provide more details and explore how we might collaborate.

Warm regards,
Sophie

[Brad Dehler]

After reading Eternity's review, I reread it as Sylvester Stallone. That was much more entertaining. Yes, this is a strange format. I take pride in having my own unique format, so I do not criticize that at all. Were these writings all part of the same story initially or were they broken up in stand alone comic strips?

[Scorpious Alpha]

This chapter was it's own story, the origin story. Mostly everything else was inspired by my comics, but as I have forgotten most details, I'm making it up as I go along

[Brad Dehler]

Have you made sketches of these comics?

[Scorpious Alpha]

Yes, it's how it started

[Ms claws]

OhMyGod You have sketches??? We have to talk!

[Scorpious Alpha]

It says in the introduction, they were long lost in storage, but I can always draw examples

[Ms claws]

Yes, I recall that. FYI: Bukowski's drawing weren't perfect but they made his writes hit home.

[Ms claws]

Scorpious Alpha, In my stages of inspiration, I do sketch whatever comes to mind. I think you are excellence on the brink.

[Ms claws]

Is Ballester Sallone a play off Sylvester Stallone?
Now, if I picture HIM in any of this, it is crazy funny!

[Scorpious Alpha]

Yeah, he's a Rambo ripoff kinda sorta

[Ms claws]

Now, THAT is just cool as hell. I love that picture!

[Scorpious Alpha]

Lol, thanks!