Chapter V: CHING! :D

Chapter V: CHING! :D  

One day, Gorgax and Ballester are walking in the woods, when they come across a flaky, brown tube. “Poopskins.” Ballester says. 

“Uh, what?” Gorgax asks. 

“When snakes get bigger, they shed their skin. Sentient s**t does the same.” 

“Please, elaborate.” 

“Serge said this might happen, the accident made all s**t sentient. Judging by the size of this poopskin, it’s eaten enough s**t that it’s already two feet long.” 

“Is there a way to defeat it?” 

“It’s s**t, all we gotta do is light it on fire, or hose it down or something.” 

“So, it’s not a challenge?” 

“Nah. Now a Ching is what we need to be afraid of.” 

“What’s a Ching?” 

“A giant smiley face that smiles a toothy grin. You’ll know it’s coming when you hear the ‘ching’ sound it makes from its teeth.” 

“What makes them so terrifying?” 

“The teeth are razor sharp. Their only motivation is consuming.” 

“How did they come into being?” 

“Serge’s first attempt at cloning was simple computer code. He would send the data of whatever he wanted made through the cloning machine, and a 3-D, living, breathing, computer generated image. Unfortunately, the first few attempts failed spectacularly. In his frustration, he banged the machine while it was displaying the : D  Emoticon, and tons of Chings flew everywhere! I died a few times trying to kill those fuckers.” 

“So, a worthy challenge?” 

“Oh yeah, you’ll break a sweat. Bullets go right through them, you gotta use explosions, and even that takes awhile.” 

“Will acid work?” 

“I don’t know, why, you got some?” 

“It’s called Corrodium, it can turn the tallest building into a puddle of liquid.” 

“Cool! Can we use some on Scott?” 

“Sure, babe.” 

“Thanks, working with you has been great!” 

“I have to admit, I thought humans were underdeveloped and primitive, but you’ve proven that you’re actually complex creatures.” 

“I love, uh, your squishiness? How your eyes look like space? Your toughness?” 

“It’s ok, you don’t have to try so hard, you already got the girl.” 

“It’s funny, really. I thought I’d never feel this way about anyone befo- man, how much of this mushy s**t is in this story?” Ballester asks me. 

“Geez, sorry there, B. I thought you’d find it a nice change of pace from being fucked over by me any chance I get.” I tell him. Geez, ungrateful. 

“Granted, it’s nice getting laid, but I’m an action hero, not this sappy love s**t!” 

“Is that really how you feel?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Fine.” I kill Gorgax with a bolt of lightning. 

“What the f**k?” 

“It’s what you wanted, right?” 

“No, what part of ‘I liked getting laid’ did you not understand? I just don’t fall in love, that’s not me.” 

“But she loves you.” 

“I know, fucked up, isn’t it?” 

“So, what do you want me to do?” 

“Make her understand that= s**t!” 

“You’re bonded for life. The chapter switch was more than three days with no mention of either of you upchucking phlegm.” 

“Look, fine, she could be my love interest, just don’t make me say mushy s**t anymore. I like having someone to shoot with that I can also bone.” 

“Fine, just stop complaining.” 

“Whatever, man.” I raise Gorgax back from the dead. 

“What happened?” She asks, dazed. 

“God’s a dick.” Ballester says as he looks at me. I’m really starting to regret my decision here. I’m telling you, ungrateful. Know what? Just for that, there’s a chinging sound in the near distance. “Oh, s**t.” 

“What, what is it?” 

“I pissed God off, here comes a Ching.” A giant smiley face makes its way through the woods, chomping down trees, eating them, and growing bigger and bigger. “Ah, f**k.” He takes out his bazooka and starts firing. Explosions hit the Ching, but it remains strong. Gorgax takes out her vaporizing gun and shoots at it, but it only makes pinholes. 

“S**t, what do we do?”  

“Just keep on firing- aaah!” Ballester gets ground up and eaten by the Ching. Gorgax takes some of her acid and throws it on the Ching. It burns off a section, removing an eye. She continues to throw acid on the Ching, and Ballester walks up behind her. “Yes! Good job, babe.” 

“Oh my glorg, I thought you died!” 

“I did, but I’m immortal, so I can keep coming back over and over.” 

“That’s actually pretty hot, babe.” 

“Yeah, but you can still die.” 

“Not for another 247 years at least.” 

“And your people live how long?” 

“Three hundred years, though some have known to be less or more, depending on the individual.” 

“Really?” Ballester looks up at me. 

“Really.” I tell him with smug satisfaction. “No take backs.” 

“S**t.” 

“Did you guys forget about the Ching you were fighting? It’s still alive.” Just the bottom part was still active, the rest of it being dissolved. So, from the bottom teeth down was what was left. It starts grinding the teeth on a tree, slowly reforming its original shape and size. That’s right, it’s building itself back together again. Gorgax throws acid while Ballester starts firing his bazooka again. The Ching starts dissolving again. Eventually, they end up killing it completely. 

“That was exhilarating!” Gorgax says, out of breath and panting. 

“I told you they were a b***h to take down- woah!” Gorgax jumps him and immediately starts kissing him. 

“Do me right in this field!” 

“Ok.” I’m just gonna fast forward this part, we already know what sex is like for them. Oh wait, hold on, this part is funny. “I didn’t get high this time.” 

“Well yeah, there was no water around, I couldn’t activate my secretion gland, but I can still spit in your mouth again.” 

“Sure.” She spits a loogie into his mouth. “Do you need me to return the favor?” 

“No, for some reason, your species’ phlegm doesn’t work on my species, you basically just spit in my mouth.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, glad you can get off!” She says annoyed, as she rolls her eyes. 

“It’s not my fault my spit doesn’t do anything for you!” 

“You’re right, I thought it worked both ways. It seems the only thing of yours that intoxicates me is when you pump your tadpoles into me.” 

“Really? My cum gets you high?" 

“Yeah, I guess it does.” 

“That’s cool, you should drink it next time." 

“That’s actually a pretty good idea!”  

“Hell yeah, it is!” 

“I love you, Ball.” 

“Did you just call me Ball?” 

“Yeah, so?” 

“Don’t ever call me that again.” 

“Why?” 

“Cause it sounds gay.” 

“What is gay?” 

“Homo.” 

“But you are a homosapien.” 

“No, like, homosexual.” 

“So? What's wrong with that?” 

“It’s because I’m not.” 

“Well, obviously, but who cares if you were?” 

“But I’m not.” 

“On my planet, it doesn’t matter, everyone is treated equally.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, it would be stupid to exclude people because they were born differently.” 

“Yeah, stupid.” 

“Humanity still has a lot to learn, I see.” 

“Yeah, I guess so. But since we have to start over again anyway, might as well do it the right way, huh?” 

“How are you planning on rebuilding your society?” 

“I have no idea, Serge is in charge of that.” F**k, he’s right. Meh, I’ll deal with it later. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, buy corn. Gorgon says to buy corn. Corn. Coooorrrrnnn. Did you buy that corn yet? Don’t forget to put it on your grocery list. That way, when you’re asked, “Where’s the corn?” You can say, “It’s ok, the book reminded me!” You’re welcome. Anyway, Ballester didn’t know what to do. He and Gorgax found themselves surrounded by Chings, they were pissing themselves they were so scared. P*****s. “No we weren’t!” Ballester yells up at me. 

“Hey, don’t focus on me, focus on them!” I tell him. Anyway, the Chings took that as their signal to move in. Shouldn’t have mocked me, f****r. They absolutely just rip Ballester to shreds. His blood and entrails drenching Gorgax. She shoots acid in every direction, drenching the Chings, and dissolving them. Ballester rejoins the battle and starts throwing grenades, finishing them off. 

“You know, watching you die like that turns me on.” Gorgax tells Ballester. Oh jeez, here we go again. 

“You know, I could feel every second of that.” Ballester tells her. 

“Oh yeah? Describe it to me.” 

“What?” 

“You heard me.” 

“Well, I could feel my flesh ripping like paper, my muscles felt like I was a chicken wing or leg or something being ripped off of the bone. Of course, once my lungs fell out of my ribcage, I ceased awareness, so I don’t know what happened after that, I just know I woke up over there.” He points behind them. 

“Oh, take me, Ballester!” Fast forward, yadda yadda yadda. Alright, so their f*****g gets interrupted by a Scott who’s watching and masturbating. “Oh, I love when our prey comes to us.” 

“Well, hey! What am I supposed to do with this?” He points at his boner. 

“I promise, once we kill this piece of s**t, we can continue.” 

“Ah, sweet!” Ballester c**k slaps Scott in the face, and it decapitates him. 

“Woah, mighty like a tree trunk!” 

“Yeah, that’s right, baby. Get down there and drink up.” 

“My pleasure.” She goes down on him. Alright, you know what? There’s a lot of f*****g in this chapter, I’m just gonna skip through again. Um, let’s see, they f**k, she croaks, and one day they’re making their way through the next town when something hits them in the back of the head and knocks them out. 

Reviews

[ETERNITY]

This is why you have a lot of "views" but no loyal "readers"; Reading is like an "investment". Not many people want to invest in something that can change at any time, can not be secure in its foundation.
Everything has to have "structure".

[ETERNITY]

A LOT of words and no emotion. Emotion is words like "I felt euphoric" "I was empathetic" "I was full of desire"..."Longing, wanton, sensual hunger, sympathy, confident," ...the breasts probably do nothing for you. Without "emotion" you are just words. Sorry.
Let me guess: You are "schizophrenic". I noticed you use it a lot in your story.
I could write a book on you.
But I'm busy with my own.

[ETERNITY]

You hate somebody named Scott.
Yeah, I know you're probably still asleep.
Just answer when you want.