Chapter VII: Shitbag

Chapter VII: Shitbag 

Thursday, May 8, 2019 

I am under much duress. The frog time can't reach me anymore. I see things that aren't there, but I can't hear them. Dead hem, hem of the dead. Ignore the fascists, end your life. Backwards is forward in two. I can't remember my name. Pit you against yourself and you'll always win. If this is two, then three is red. Everybody dance, everybody have a sunshiny day, yeah yeah! Nobody even knows what I'm talking about, not even me. Newtons laws can't help you now. Queen to G-4. There's nothing you can do to change my mind, it's final. I don't believe you. Well, I don't believe you either. So now what? Nobody knows. Meow. I talked to Gorgon today and he said he needs somewhere to offload the corn, I told him Nebraska. So buy corn. Should I work on some Ballester again? I kinda miss him. Oh well, I guess this hot dog is going to be fed to the dawg. Yo homie! Last one's yours. Who's a good homie? Yea you are, you a real gangbanging thug, yeah you are, yo. Member when stuff was cool? I member. I can't even remember the last time I chimmied those janks. I've wasted enough of your time, talk to you later. Ok, bye. I-I love you too. Ok, bye. *click* 

One day, Ballester is shoving a scorpion in his a*s, when a bullet whizzes by and kills him. He wakes up in the lab. “Oh, good, you’re awake.” Serge says. 

“What the hell? Last thing I remember, I’m having sex with my hot alien girlfriend, then I wake up here.” Ballester says. 

“No, you weren’t, you were shoving a scorpion in your a*s.” 

“What? No I wasn’t, I remember the vagina suck, next thing I know, I wake up here.” 

“Sounds like you were dreaming.”  

“No, I swear-” 

“I see all, remember?” 

“Why would I even shove a scorpion in my a*s?” 

“Because God willed it.” 

“That son of a b***h! I hate him! YOU HEAR THAT? I F*****G HATE YOU, YOU F*****G S**T BAG!” Oh, me, oh my, someone needs to be taught a lesson. I got it. 

“Hah, speaking of s**t bags, you know how I was able to make Chimmy over here? I wanted to see what else I could make, so I took the DNA element of s**t, just like I did with the hot dog, and I found a volunteer who saw my commercial and wanted to be in an experiment. So, I present to you, Shitbag!” A terrible odor enters the room, and a human sized, condom full of s**t enters the room. 

“Hi, I’m Shitbag, how are you?” Shitbag says. 

“I think I’m gonna-” Ballester barfs chunks all over the place. 

“He’s going to be your new companion, since your girlfriend is taking care of the eggs, she says they’re ready to hatch soon.” 

“Oh God, why?”  

“Because you called me a s**t bag.” I tell Ballester. 

“I hate you!” 

“I love you too.” This is fun. So, Ballester and Shitbag get in Ballester’s car. 

“I’m never going to get the smell out.” Ballester says. 

“So, what adventures are we going on today, huh, pal?” Shitbag says, sickeningly cheerily. 

“Oh, no, you’re one of THOSE sidekicks.” 

“Pardon me, whatever do you mean?” 

“Sweet and sugary and nice. Our main job is to find and hunt and kill Scotts, and send any desperate humans to Serge for experimentation, like you. You were human once, too.” 

“I’m against killing, and I would never want someone to be forced to live as something else.” 

“But you did it.” 

“Did I? I don’t remember anything except waking up inside the lab.” 

“Did he give you a purpose?” 

“To be your best friend and lover!” 

“WHAT?? LOVER??” 

“He says you’re too closed minded and need to learn to experiment more.” 

“Sorry, I have a girlfriend wife thing at home.” 

“It is His will, and thy will be done. I’m super into religion, have you heard of God Scorpious? He lords over us, and he created us, and he loves us.” 

“Yeah, I know him, he’s not as great as you think.” 

“How can you say that??” Shitbag says, offended. 

“Because I know Him better than you do.” 

“And how is that, smarty pants?” 

“Because we’ve met.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, you wanna talk to him?” 

“I would love nothing more!” 

“Hey a*****e!” Ballester yells at me. 

“What?” I answer back. 

“Shitbag here wants to talk to you!” Well, duh. I know that already. 

“Hi, Shitbag, nice to meet you! Make sure to give Ballester lots of kisses and rim jobs! He likes when you spit in his mouth, too.” 

“Oh my You, it really is you!” Shitbag says to me. 

“Guilty as charged. Tell me, what do you think of Ballester?” 

“I love him!” He kisses Ballester on the cheek, leaving a brown kiss mark in the shape of lips. Ballester throws up. Hahaha this is great. 

“Take care, you two.” 

“Will do! Wow, isn’t he amazing, Ballester?” 

“I hate him so much. So, so, much.” Ballester says. 

“Learn to love your enemies, Ballester, especially your creator.” 

“Why?” 

“Because he gave you life.” 

“Did he? Am I walking around out there? No, I’m not, I’m literally words.” 

“There’s more to that, without words, you wouldn’t exist.” 

“How do I exist?” 

“In the mind of the author and of the reader.” 

“Doesn’t matter anyway, he hates me.” 

“Maybe he hates everyone. He made me s**t in a condom.” 

“Nah, he created you to get back at me for calling him a shitbag.” 

“And if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t exist. See how that works?” 

“Wow, you really put things in perspective.” 

“Thank you, I’m a helpful- oh my goodness, look at all of those Scotts, I count at least twenty.” 

“Time for some fun.” Ballester gets out of the car with a few bombs, and his favorite pistol. “Do you at least have any super powers? Like, can you throw s**t at them or something?” 

“Yes, I can! Although, if I shoot too much, I’m going to need to eat more to be able to shoot more.” 

“So, I can just dump in your mouth?” 

“Yes, please!” 

“Weird, but ok.” 

“No, not weird, experiment.” 

“Ugh, God, I hate you.” 

“What did I do to you?” 

“Not you, God.” 

“Oh, back to this again.” 

“Alright, let’s get to business! He starts shooting Scotts in the head, grenades at the farther ones. Shitbag is shooting s**t out of his hands, but all the Scotts are doing is catching it with their mouths and eating it. 

“I’m ineffective against them! They’re just eating my ammo!” 

“F**k! Alright, hold on.” Ballester shoves a grenade up a Scott’s a*s and walks away with Scott exploding behind him. He approaches Shitbag. “Ok, then you’ll be bait. Look, that one is sneaking over here, he’s got his dick whipped out, I think he wants to f**k you.” 

“Oh, he doesn’t have to sneak over for a f**k, come here, little buddy. The Scott approaches Shitbag, and Shitbag quickly grabs the Scott and where the knot would be on the condom, is a package of functioning male genitalia. He bends Scott over and starts f*****g him roughly. 

“Jesus f*****g Christ!” Ballester says as he shoots another Scott in the head, and shoves a grenade in another’s mouth. 

“You like that, don’t you Scott?” Shitbag says in an incredibly deep, growly voice. 

“I love it!” Scott says. As soon as Shitbag comes, Scott swells up and explodes. 

“And don’t you forget it!” Shitbag says. Ballester looks on in horror as he cracks a Scott’s neck, breaking it, and slitting another’s throat. 

“What in the f**k was that?” 

“I guess we found my true superpower!” Shitbag says in his normal voice. 

“Well, all the Scotts are dead, let’s go report to Serge.” Ballester says, and they get in the car. 

“Let’s go, buddy! Are you ok, you look like you’re scared of me now.” 

“That was utterly horrifying, and I’m supposed to be your lover?” 

“That’s right. Serge says, it doesn’t matter because you always come back to life.” 

“This car will never be clean again.” They arrive back at Serge’s lab. 

“Hey, what’s up, you guys?” Serge asks. 

“What kind of hell are you putting me through? We killed about twenty Scotts, and this one fucked one to death. And he’s my lover? What’s Gorgax going to say about this?” 

“What is Gorgax going to say about �" whew, what’s that smell?” Gorgax says as she enters the room. “Ballester!” She goes to kiss him. “Why do you smell like s**t? That thing?” 

“Hi, Gorgax, I’m Ballester’s current lover, Shitbag!” 

“Nice to meet you, Shitbag. I’m Ballester’s life mate, Gorgax. Just make sure he’s clean when you return him to me please.” 

“Will do!” 

“Wait, you’re ok with this?” Ballester asks Gorgax. 

“Of course, it’s natural to experience new things, and sexuality isn’t as big a deal on my planet as it is on yours, so you go have fun, but I want you here for the hatchlings, I estimate within the next 22-29 hours.” 

“Woah, I almost forgot I was gonna be a dad.” 

“I’ve been thinking about names, how about Oigres, Ruzual, Nyvar, and Nagol?” 

“Sure, I guess.” 

“They are sacred names on my planet, they stand for the Sibling gods, each formed a different element of our world. Oigres invented corn, Ruzal invented excrement, Nyvar invented love, and Nogal invented water.” 

“Those are the four elements on your world?” 

“There’s a reason we live in space. That excrement is the reason we started to build above ground, it’s toxic to our kind.” 

“Wait, how is love an element?” 

“The toxins that make you trip balls.” 

“Ohhh.” 

“That, and we needed to transport the water to the ships so we can survive, so our planet is just one big, giant t**d ball. That’s why we like it here, there’s enough water here for us to thrive, and we have technology that can convert salt water into fresh water if it were to come down to that.” 

“Granted.” Serge says. “As ultimate ruler, I grant your species, the- uh-?” You know, I never thought about what species Gorgon is, that’s a good point. Hmm, s**t. I guess I’ll call them Galaxians. Sounds good to me, they come from the planet Galaxia, which, once, was a swamp planet, but because the earliest version just s**t in the water, which ended up stagnant, and mixed in with the soil, except where corn grows. The scientists orbiting the planet are trying to filter the s**t from the soil to reclaim the planet, and they believe the corn is the key. See that? You just read a brand new idea in live action! How did it feel? Anyway, back to the story. “Galaxians to stay and cohabitate with humans until their planet becomes hospitable again!” 

“I’ll tell Gorgon the good news! Wait, just us, or all Galaxians?” 

“How many of you are there?” 

“Forty million.” 

“Yeah, sure, why not? Get everyone a job and get society up and running again.” 

“Yes sir!” Gorgax says, excitedly, rushing out of the room. 

“So, what are you going to do while waiting for your kids to be born?” Serge asks Ballester. 

“I don’t know, isn’t that enough time for another mission?” 

“Nah, you can take a break, this is a special occasion!” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, go ahead, you kicked a*s today!” 

“It is typically tradition to make love after a victorious mission, like in the movies!” Shitbag says to Ballester. 

“No, really that’s-” Ballester begins. 

“I’m not gonna ask twice.” Shitbag growls. Poor Ballester, he ‘sploded. 

Reviews

[ETERNITY]

Ouch. I like how you point out that you are coming up with an idea this very moment which would've been THAT very moment. Funny how Ballester is willing to accept Shitbag while Gorgax is on a break tending to the births of the eggs. Realistic stuff there.