Chapter IX: Bob, the Frog Prince

Chapter IX: Bob, the Frog Prince 

One day, a Galaxian shows up to Serge’s lab. “Hi? Can I help you?” Serge asks. 

“I was inquiring about your experimentation, I was a test subject on the ship there, because of my deformity.” 

“What deformity?” 

“I- I have eyes in the back of my head, so I’m somewhat of a living camera. I wanted to come here before my own people realize I’m missing.” 

“A living camera?” 

“Yes, our pupils can be controlled independently in our eyes, so we have a 180 degree vision any time we want. Since I have these two human sized eyes on the back of my head, I can do the same thing with these eyes too, giving me a 350 degree view.” 

“Only 350?” 

“I can’t see past my own head, but the fact that I can see behind me and in front of me makes me valuable to them. Don’t know why, we don’t have any enemies, they just want to be ‘prepared’ in case there are.” 

“What’s your name?” 

“Manboutu.” 

“Manboutu. I wanna sell your secretions, but because they’re unique, it would fail as a perfume, but what if you were combined with a poisonous tree frog? You could just secrete all day into jars and we’ll just give it away.” 

“Just give it away? Why?” 

“Well, we need test subjects.” 

“I thought I was the test subject.” 

“You are. But so is the current living population. When we’re done here, you’re going to be treated like royalty, because people will love getting high off your secretions, and that’s when we start selling, and become rich. Well, I’m already rich, but you my friend, are gonna be rolling in the dough so long as you come in and get squeezed for 12 hours a day.” 

“Jeez, I don’t know.” 

“Look, if you want, I could clear things up with your government and give them say, Quonquonquin cat maybe?” 

“My species has never owned a mammal before, it may be an acceptable trade.” 

“How do I get ahold of your government?”  

“They’re the ones outside in orange jumpsuits, just talk to one of those guys.” 

“So, you guys are really staying, huh?” 

“It’s a suitable planet, despite the toxins in the air.” 

“You should’ve been here when it happened, it was thicker. I’ve been trying to clear the air since it happened, I’m getting there. Do you know how to use a toilet? I don’t want you shitting up my planet the way you shitted up yours.” 

“Yes, we’re more...civilized than we used to be. Serge blinks a light a few times, and Eyes arrives. Serge grabs a piece of paper, has Manboutu draw the correct looking alien and shows Eyes the picture, giving it to him. 

“What a strange creature, would you be willing to trade him?” 

“He’s just a human with extra eyes, no big deal. Now Quonquonquin cat is a human face on a cat’s body. That’s way better.” 

“Perhaps.” Eyes returns with an alien government agent. He switches on his translator.  

“I have been looking for this subject.” The alien says. 

“I’ll take him off your hands, you can have my cat.” 

“It is just a cat.” 

“Look at its face.” 

“Hello.” Quonquonquin cat says. 

“Intriguing, acceptable. Come, feline.” Quonquonquin cat leaves with the agent. 

“I’m surprised they took him so fast.” 

“I have been with them since my birth, as far as they’re concerned, I’m old news.” 

“Well, you’re going to be new news again. Now, I chose one of your people because you’re already amphibious, so the compatibility rate is extremely high, now choose a color.” 

“You mean I don’t have to be green anymore?” 

“Yeah, that’s right. How else would I make the creations look the way they do without getting the colors right? Imagine if Chimmy over there was a green hot dog, he’d look off putting, right? So I have to tune the colors just right before I apply it to the subject. Now this-” He brings up a tree frog in 3-D. “-is what you will be. The pores will secrete the poison, and you will be constantly injected with adrenaline periodically to keep you secreting your altered glandular liquid. You’re free to stay here to live, eat what you want, my drones are constantly dropping off food and necessary supplies. I want to rebuild the world starting at this lab and moving outwards. The cities of old are dead. Anyone willing to be a lab experiment is welcome, as long as they sign this.” He brings him a waiver form, which Manboutu signs. “So, a common side effect of this procedure is memory loss, but I don’t know your species, which is why I wanted one. So, what color frog you wanna be? This particular species comes in a wide variety.” 

“Ooh, that dark purple one looks awesome!” 

“You sure? That’s the one you’ll be stuck with.” 

“Positive!” 

“Alright, let the DNA merge begin.” Serge puts Manboutu to sleep, and begins the surgery. He takes out the secretion glands, and combines them with the tree frog glands in a splicing machine. He reinserts the glands, closes him up, and begins the cosmetic surgery to change his clear skin a dark purple, hiding his blood and organs completely. He begins the plastic surgery to Manboutu’s head to make it frog shaped, replacing his back of head eyes to match the front eyes, both sticking up higher than his head to resemble a frog. “Wake up, Bob, talk to me.” 

“Who’s Bob? I’m Manboutu.” 

“Oh, usually after I get done restructuring the head, people lose their memory and I give them a new identity. Your skin is so stretchy and flexible, operating on you was the easiest yet.” 

“Yes, our people often get our skin touched up, I am 174 years old!” 

“Wow, how about Gorgon?” 

“97.” 

“That’s crazy, how do you guys live so long?” 

“Our bodies are in a constant state of regeneration. As we grow older, the regeneration rate becomes slower.” 

“Same for humans, but at a faster rate.” 

“So, I hope it’s alright, but I constructed a mouth shaped divot under your eyes so from behind, it looks like you’re looking forward until you’re approached.” 

“That actually makes me feel a little more normal, thank you.” 

“No problem, pal. Take a day or two to rest, and we’ll get squeezing in no time.” 

“Is there anything I can do to amuse myself while I’m getting squeezed? Twelve hours is a long time.” 

“Well, what do you want? The world is full of options. How did you amuse yourselves on the ship?” 

“A holographic recreation of Galaxia.” 

“Well, that’s not going to work here. Maybe I’ll get you a tv or something.” 

“TV?” 

“Television.” 

“I would like to see this ‘television’” 

“You don’t watch recorded transmissions on your planet, er, ship?” 

“No, we never thought to. That is why we travel planet to planet trying to sell corn, it is the only food that grows on our planet. When we found out your species learned how to cook it, we finally had a deal. Beef is delicious, and such a relief from corn, and when we learned how to combine the two? Your planet has everything.” 

“And yet I destroyed it. Which is why I want to rebuild it. Since there isn’t much of a population anymore, we can build a city with my lab here as the starting point. I already have robots destroying buildings, bringing the rubble here, and recycling it back down to its basic elements.” 

“How many American dollars will you pay me with?” 

“Free room and board, electricity, food, what else do you want?” 

“I- I do not know.” 

“Hey, if you guys have our collected knowledge, how did you not know what a tv was?” 

“I have learned so much, I could not remember everything.” 

“Fair enough. Your species can use various airports to store their ships and set up a home base, they can recruit if need be, can’t wait for the humans to come knocking at my door. Gorgon will be my representative, so hopefully, we can coexist in peace. You my friend, will be the first marketing gimmick to unite our peoples. Something made from your people that affects both species combined with a toxin found on this planet that makes both species trip out.” 

“Marketing gimmick?” 

“Oh yeah, you’re going to be main producer and mascot of this drug. We’ll advertise it, girls are gonna wanna lick you, well, actually, everyone’s gonna wanna lick you. Anyways, to compensate you, you’ll be living it up one day, just not right now, you feel me dawg?” Chimmy starts barking. “Yo, Chimmy, quiet down in there!” 

“Alright man, I’ll do it, but it better pay off.” 

“I have a feeling it will. Mommy Milk was a failure, but I think this will work out great for everyone. Now excuse me, I gotta go talk to Chimmy, he won’t stop barking. “Chimmy, what’s up, dawg?” 

“Yo, I’m tired of bein’ chained up like this bro, like I’m a f****n’ dog or some s**t.” Chimmy says. 

“Every time I unchain you, you run around my lab like an idiot and knock everything all around. You suck as a guard dog, cause every time I take you off of probation, and let you outside to guard again, you wander off.” 

“That’s cause there’s really good smells out there, bro.” 

“I made you to guard, now either do that or I’ll kill you right now and serve you to everyone.” 

“Damn, dawg, you didn’t have to take it that far, that’s janked up.” 

“Then do your job. Would you feel more like a guard dog if I equipped you with a uniform and weapons?” 

“Could you please? I can stand on my hind legs for a little while, so I’m going to stay sitting until I’m needed.” 

“I’ll make you your own little booth with monitors and everything, I’ll have it completely pimped out, ok?” 

“Alright, I promise not to wander off if you do this for me.” 

“Deal.” See? I’m a fair god. Why Ballester gotta be hatin’ on me, I don’t know. I wonder what he’s up to? Let’s find out- ugh, ew, he’s f*****g a dog. That’s nasty, I don’t know what would make someone think that there’s a good idea. A local cop and a local couple from separate towns got busted doing that, it’s fucked up. Where is Shitbag, and why isn’t he stopping this? Oh, dear Me, I think he’s dead. Yup, getting torn up by wolves. Oh well, I’m sure everyone was getting sick of him anyway. And Ballester, well, let’s just say he randomly explodes in a nuclear explosion from his body, leveling a whole city block, and the wolves. He wakes up in the lab. “Why you f*****g dogs?” 

“I wasn’t! I was at home, feeding the kids.” 

“I saw you! By the way, they’re all dead, I hope you didn’t have any attachment to them.” 

“Boobies! N*****s! Smegma! Nooooo!” Ballester starts crying. “Those wolves were my friends!” 

“Looks like you were just more than just friends.” 

“I was told I have to learn to experiment sexually.” 

“Who said that?” 

“You did.” 

“I meant with your wife, not with dogs!” 

“She took it literally! She was totally ok with Shitbag, which, by the way, thank you.” 

“I feel your punishment went on long enough.” 

“So, what now?” 

“I don’t know, we’ll cross that road when we get to it.”