Chapter XI: Her Name Is Brains

A Chapter by Scorpious Alpha

So one day, Ballester is tongue kissing a donkey when he s***s his pants. He runs back to the lab to refresh himself, and Serge motions for him to come in as he’s walking back. Ballesster enters the laboratory and approaches Serge. “Ok, so check this out, I have brains in jars. Her name is Brains.”

“And?” Ballester asks.”

“And? And who do you think you’re talking to, a*****e? The speaker attached to the jars of brains says.

“The f**k?”

“The f**k you mean, ‘the f**k?’. Serge, build me an exoskeleton so I can kick his a*s!”

“Woah, calm down, I’ve just never talked to brains before.”

“A fair assessment.”

“So, who are you?”

“My name is Brains.”

“Uh, which one?”

“We are one.”

“Why are you different colors?”

“The tank on your left holds a human brain, the right, a Galaxian brain.”

“Cool. So what is your function?”

“Intergal-” The sound cuts off.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, boy.” Serge says as he holds the plug and stares at Ballester.

“Like I care.” Ballester says. He leaves, and explodes randomly. Serge plugs the speaker back in.

“What did I tell you about revealing sensitive information?”

“I apologize, sir.” Brains says.

“Anyway, let’s get back to work. Calculate the distance between here and planet Orxom.”

“Distance: 24.94 million light years.”

“S**t. There’s gotta be a closer planet to- excuse me, what are you doing here?” Serge asks You. “Get out, go follow Ballester in his latest adventure, go.” He shoos You away.

“Building weapons of planetary mass destruction?” I ask Serge.

“No, shut up.” He says. I know he’s lying, but we’ll see if it pays off. Now, what’s Ballester doing again? Oh, right, he’s putting his penis inside a snake’s mouth in an attempt at condom humor. Unfortunately for him, it was a venomous snake, and his dick swelled up huge and fat. He had trouble fitting it in his pants and he goes back to the lab and knocks on Manboutu’s door.

“What’s up?”

“I need you to do a really big favor for me.” He pulls down his pants and shows off his swollen c**k.

“I’m not gonna blow you man.”

“It’s worse, I need you to suck the venom out, with the toxins in your body, it won’t affect you.”

“Get your wife to do it.”

“Huh, I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Haha, really?”

“Yeah, don’t ask me why.”

“I think you like me.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I’ve been working out.” He shows off his muscles. “Want some of my frog meat? Well too bad, the Manboutu lily pad is only for the ladies.”

“I’m in so much f*****g pain, and you’re making jokes.”

“Just go to your wife, dude.” Ballester goes to his own room, and approaches Gorgax.

“I need your help, come on into the bedroom.” They go to their bedroom, and Ballester drops his pants.

“I can’t fit that in my mouth.”

“No, I need you to suck the poison out.”

“No can do, babe.”

“What?”

“Oh yeah, one drop of that poison, and I’ll get very, very sick.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding.”

“Sorry, our membrane is too thin.”

“I can already feel it setting in. Maybe I’ll just die, then I’ll come back good as new.”

“I guess that’s an option, but it’d be a slow, agonizing death.”

“Oh, s**t, I almost forgot!” Ballester runs out of the room, to Serge’s lab, and hurls himself into the giant Grinder. He comes in from outside feeling brand new. He heads back to his room. “Worked like a charm!”

“What did you do?”

“Hurled myself into Serge’s Grinder. Quick and painless.”

“Well, as long as it makes you happy.”

“So babe, can we f**k now?”

“No, not now, but tonight, yes. I have to teach the children.”

“Fine, I guess I’ll go Scott hunting then.” He walks through the building and heads to Gorgon’s section.

“Hey Gorgon, how’s the terraforming going?”

“Well, we have the air almost cleaned up. You humans sure did a number on your planet, even before the accident.”

“Yeah, we suck.”

“The corpses are almost cleaned up, and it’s going to take us at least a few more years to gather all of your garbage. We managed to pull that garbage island out of your ocean, took a couple of ships to pull that off. Threw it into your sun, you should have seen the colors- wait, that’s right, the ships record everything, let me see if I can find it...There!” A screen turns on, showing the sun far enough that they won’t get burned, but close enough for it to look big. The mound of garbage is seen being ejected from the ships at a high speed, into the sun, throwing off colors of green, blue, and purple in the spot where it hit. “That’s all of your synthetic and non biodegradable junk. The chemicals are what made the colors appear. It would be pretty had it not been a testament to man’s wasteful nature.”

“What do you mean?”

“My people will be the dominant species on this planet as we outnumber you. Don’t worry, we’ll coexist, but we make the rules. First of all, every continent and country will be provided for. No more of this ‘third world’ business you people had. Secondly, trash will become a thing of the past, and your natural resources will no longer be used. We have developed technology that is harmless to the planet with its energy usage. Buildings and vehicles will use this energy source, it is constantly renewable and infinite. And no more homeless, everyone will be provided a home free of charge. At the very least, all beings need shelter. Healthcare will also be free, only things that you will have to pay for are non essential essential items, and non essential items.

“Non essential essential and non essential?”

“You only pay for items that aren’t immediately required daily, but are required or desired for a standard of living. For instance, shower curtains or vehicle parts. While non essential for every day living, they are essential in life. While completely non essential would be things like decor or entertainment, books, games, movies and such.”

“Food?”

“We are still figuring that out, while my species is happy with a certain limit of food per day, you humans are gluttonous and greedy by nature. If you were more like us, it would be free, but we may have to limit or make you pay for food, as much as it pains us, because nobody should have to go without food, but humans are irrational, and have priorities mixed up.”

“Sounds like it’s going to be a brand new and better world.”

“We lost our own planet because we treated it like a giant toilet, and when we brought the dinosaurs with us, it just made things worse, since theirs is so much bigger. This is a chance to make things better for both of our species. One representative from each species will be elected as coleaders until such a time when both of our species are one.”

“So, at some point, everyone’s going to look like my kids?”

“The first generation will, but who knows what future generations will look like?”

“This means the end of both of our species.”

“Yes, but hopefully they will have a better world than we had.”

“So, what about your trade? I thought you guys went from galaxy to galaxy trading things?”

“We have a ship out now actually. We’re not stopping it, we’re just going to do it less frequently.”

“Oh, I see. Hey, did you meet Brains yet?”

“Yes, I supplied him with the Galaxian brain. She had already passed, so it’s ok.”

“Are you supplying his technology too?”

“Some of it, why do you ask?”

“Because some of his creations seem impossible, like the hot dog dog and the condom full of s**t.”

“Yeah, I gave him the means to do it, it’s the least we could do for him considering he’s allowing us to basically take control of the planet.”

“Hey man, I ain’t following your rules!”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get to help us make the rules.”

“Wait, what? Really?”

“You have survival and combat skills. You will be paired with our best general, and you will help set up laws regarding punishment for crimes, military rules and regulations, and you will be in charge of your own agency regarding spies and hitmen. We are a peaceful species, yes, but we do have bad citizens too. With the combination of your DNA, it is likely that percentage will increase.”

“Wow, so when does this happen?”

“Not for a few more years, maybe a decade.”

“Good, cause I got some more killing to do.” He winks at You.

“Don’t- don’t do that.”

“Aw, man.” He hangs his head down and walks slowly out, and out of the building. He sees a Scott devour a raccoon whole while taking a s**t. Ballester whips out his pistol, and blows his brains all over a tree. The raccoon bursts out of Scott’s stomach and runs away. He takes out his phone. “Hey Manboutu, watchu up to? Uh huh, I just killed a Scott, you wanna help me look to see if there’s any more? Aw, you’re working? Damn. Maybe... Just maybe...” He takes his phone out and calls up Gorgax. “Hey hon? I was wondering if I could take Ruzal out hunting with me. I know he’s only two, but he had so much fun that day, and he got a kill, remember?”

“Because he was being attacked by that moron. Their IQ is only one, you can’t reason with them.” Gorgax says.

“What if you come with us? In fact, we could have a family hunt!”

“I’m- you know what? I kind of like that idea, where are we going?”

“Wherever there is s**t, you’ll find Scott, he’s attracted to it sexually.”

“Ah, and the more corpses are getting cleaned up, the less likelihood of seeing Scott.”

“I heard there’s a bunch out west, they’re about halfway done cleaning the country now, so looks like we have a few options. Nevada, California, Oregon, Washington, Col- California it is, let's hope some Scotts made it out that far, it has been a couple of years, and I’ve killed so many, I lost count. I feel like I’ve already passed the number that was already originally released.”

“That’s cause Serge lied to you.”

“What?”

“There’s actually millions of Scotts out there.”

“Son of a b***h!”

“Haha, you actually believed there was only a couple hundred out there?”

“Well, yeah...”

“Look, just go kill what you can find, then come home and start packing.”

“Thanks, I love you, babe.”

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