Chapter XIV: Throwing Clocks Out Windows Is Fun

A Chapter by Scorpious Alpha

“I can’t believe you guys are three today.” Ballester says to his kids. “Nyvar, since you’re against hunting, mommy has something special planned for the two of you. Boys, get your gear, we’re taking down some Scotts.” The boys cheer and Nyvar rolls her eyes and walks towards Gorgax.

“What are we doing today?” Nyvar asks Gorgax.

“Well, you’re a teenager now, and I know when I was a teenager, I spent my spare time fighting dinosaurs. Since you’re a pacifist, that won’t do. So, in place of wrestling giant creatures, what would you rather do?” Gorgax asks.

“Have you been to the spa, mom?”

“There’s one here?”

“Do you ever leave the apartment?”

“Sometimes.”

“Well, I’ll explore in my down time, and I’ve found that this building is like a giant collection of buildings. There’s a library, a spa, a gym, the control room, Serge’s lab, my office, a room for all of the bots’ storage, there’s a ship under construction, there’s a power room where all the energy is contained. A whole room! Then of course there’s that giant kitchen, and so many empty rooms! Mom, this place is huge, and that’s not counting the other floors.”

“Alright, let’s go exploring.” The ladies leave the apartment.

“You guys ready?” Ballester calls. The boys show up with their gear and they all head to the van.

“So, where are we going?” Oigres asks.

“Well, I didn’t want you guys to have to wade through s**t to go hunting, so we’re heading north to Canada. Apparently, there’s a Scott population up there just begging to be obliterated.” Ballester says. The boys cheer and high five each other. “Also, your uncle Hallester is coming with us.” There’s a knock on the door, and Hallester is standing there.

“We ready to go?” Hallester asks.

“Yep, everyone in the van.” They all get in the van, and Ballester hits the nitrous. He pulls a lever, and the van sprouts wings and starts flying. Everyone exclaims in awe. “Oh yeah, like, I’m going to drive three days to get to Canada? I asked Serge, and he and Oigres outfitted the family van with some new technology.”

“Oigres, how could you keep that secret from us? I thought we were brothers!” Razul complains.

“I don’t ask either of you about either of your jobs, so I expect the same respect.”

“Whatever, dickhead.”

“Hey, be nice to your brother, Razul! We could be having a slow, boring road trip, but your brother helped make it easier for us, now apologize!” Ballester yells.

“...sorry.” Razul says.

“Now, we’re going to be touching down in about ten minutes, so make sure you have everything.”

“We’re good.” Oigres says. A few minutes later, they land near a landfill.

“Alright, we ready to kill some Scotts? Remember, it’s not a competition, just have fun with it.”

“I just need three, and I’ll be good.” Oigres says. Nogal shifts his eyes to Razul, who notices and returns the look. They exit the van, and start moving through the landfill.

“Nice swords, kid.” Hallester says to Nogal.

“Thanks, Uncle Hallester.”

“I like to gut my enemies.”

“I give them the ol’ slice and dice. Sometimes I do this thing called rotisserie where I shove a sword up their a*s and spin them around.”

“Hah, that’s hilarious, kid!” As they reach the peak of the hill, they look out and see about a hundred Scotts below them, having sex with the garbage and each other in the garbage.

“Ok, I’m definitely going to kill more than three! Oigres says.

“Free for all!” Ballester yells, and starts shooting Scotts in the head. Oigres starts throwing grenades, and Razul starts sniping. Nogal and Hallester run down and start slicing and gutting them. Hallester grabs two huge knives, stabs a Scott, and pulls the knives in opposite directions, tearing him in half, his spine popping out. Nogal slices one directly in half, Oigres is having the Scotts catch his grenades. They’re all having fun slaughtering the Scotts, until they realize they’ve killed them all. “Well, I think that’s all of them. Wait, there’s one more!” One lone Scott is just standing there when he suddenly spontaneously combusts and explodes. “Aw man, I’m going to count that, I would have had that if he didn’t just randomly explode. What’s everyone’s kill count? 37 for me, not including the last one.”

“17” Oigres says.

“11” Razul says, disappointed.

“16” Nogal says, excitedly.

“15” Hallester says.

“That means there are three missing.” Hallester says.

“The hunt continues.” Ballester says as he grins and c***s his gun.

“Did you see how I hung that one with his own intestines?” Nogal says.

“That was hilarious!” Oigres says. I convinced a Scott that a stick of dynamite was his baby and he breast fed it until it exploded!” He starts laughing and so does everyone else.

“I sniped a Scott’s nuts and they exploded” Ruzal laughs, and everyone else does too. They hear a noise, a thumping and talking.

“Duh, duh, duh, duh.” Scott says as he’s banging his head off of a piece of a brick wall.

“I want this one, dad. I need to catch up.” Ruzal says as he sets up his sniper rifle. All of a sudden, the entire Scott explodes.

“Nice, shot, son!” Ballester says.

“Dead shot, center mass.”

“Your kids are impressive, bro.” Hallester tells Ballester.

“Of course, they’re Sallones, it’s in their blood, well, except the girl. But that’s ok, I still love her, never hurts to have a medic in the family.”

“Without them, I wouldn’t have survived the war.”

“When are you going to let that go?”

“You’re right, I can kill you any time I want!” Hallester slashes Ballester’s throat. Ballester falls over, dead, bleeding from his neck.

“Hey, Hallester.” I say to him.

“Who the f**k are you?”

“Scorpious, but you can call me God.”

“Holy f*****g s**t.”

“Before I bring him back to life, I figured you and I ought to have a little chat.”

“What the f**k is happening?”

“Yeah, it blows everyone’s mind the first time, but after a while we become pals.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Well, first of all, hi boys, happy birthday!”

“Thanks, God Scorpious!” They say. They grow up so fast. Anyway...

“Look, I know you hate your brother and you think it’s funny to kill him over and over again. I get it, but you gotta mix it up. The kids on April Fool’s Day are more creative than you. Wait till you see that in action for the first time. Anyway, there’s more ways to kill him than just slashing his throat. I mean I get it’s quick, but we’re here to laugh dude. Like, here’s one of my favorites. Ballester gets up and starts making out with a Scott that turns up out of nowhere.

“Hahahaha, that’s f****n’ hilarious!” Hallester says.

“Ugh, no it’s not!” Ballester says as he wipes his mouth and pushes the Scott away, and then blowing his brains out. “38. You f*****g cocksucker!” He flips me off.

“I love you too, Ballester! Always have, you were my first child.”

“Yeah, yeah, f**k you too, buddy.” He keeps his finger in the air.

“You mouth off to God?” Hallester asks, horrified.

“What’s he going to do to me that he already hasn’t done? Everything that happens to us is his fault.”

“Yeah, right, I’m living in a story, and he controls everything I do and say, is that what you’re saying?”

“Yup.”

“Prove it.”

“Did making out with Scott not prove it?”

“Hey man, if that’s what you’re into-”

“F**k you, man.”

“Wait, so God made me lose on purpose?” Razul asks, horrified.

“Yep.” Ballester tells him.

“Why, God, why?” He asks me.

“Cause I don’t like you. You’re even lucky to have a part in this. In the original comic, none of you kids didn’t even exist. Hallester, you did, the long lost older brother, that’s still the same. But be grateful you even exist, you little s**t.” I tell Razul.

“F**k you.” He tells me.

“Just like your dad, except, unlike you, I love your dad.”

“I won’t forget this.” He tells me angrily. Pssh, what’s he gonna do? I control everything, he has no power. Anyway, the third Scott shows up from a mountain of diapers which he has smeared on himself.

“Who wants this one?” Ballester asks. Silence. “I get it, he’s covered in s**t. But, we still have to kill him.”

“I got this.” Nogal says as he whips out his sword. He’s about to decapitate Scott when his head suddenly explodes. “F**k you, Razul, that was MY kill!”

“You weren’t fast enough, bro.” Razul laughs.

“When I fill out the report, I’m giving credit to Nogal, that was a cheap shot and you know it.” Ballester sternly tells Razul.

“But dad, I was dead last, this would have tied me up, and it’d be fair.”

“Life isn’t fair. Your kill count is twelve, deal with it.”

“F**k you, dad.”

“What was that?”

“You heard me.”

“I love you too, son. Oh my Scorpious, I get it! I’m so sorry!” Ballester yells up to me.

“Thanks, but it doesn’t change anything!” I yell back.

“Then Your Will be done.” Jeez, I didn’t want to become worshipped by my creations, I make their life hell! Ballester’s penis swells up and explodes, followed by his testicles.

“Holy s**t!” Hallester says. Hey, he wanted proof, how is that not proof? Hallester ends up flying back because Ballester is unconscious. They land back at the lab, and throw Ballester into the Grinder. He opens the door and enters the lab.

“Thanks, guys.” Ballester says. Ballester grabs a form, fills it out and gives it to Serge.

“Pretty good today, guys. There’s bonus credits for the birthday boys, along with their hunting fee, which is a big one today. Ballester, I thought you were going to hold back today for the boys?”

“I was having too much fun, sorry guys.”

“We still had a fun time, dad.” Oigres says. Razul pouts.

“What’s wrong with him? He did well today.” Serge says.

“He put himself in competition with everyone else.” Ballester says.

“Well, did you tell him it wasn’t?”

“Yes!”

“Razul, what’s the deal, bro?”

“God hates me.” Razul says.

“How do you know that?”

“He told me himself.”

“Oh, son of a b***h. Yo.”

“What?” I ask.

“Did you really tell this kid you don’t like him?”

“Fine, he forgets he ever met me, ok? Done.” I tell Serge.

“He’s still going to deal with the reality one day.”

“Yeah, but until then, ixnay.”

“Fine.” I roll my eyes. I’d say ‘who’s this guy think he is?’ well, I know we all know the answer to THAT question: He’s the Ultimate Ruler of the Universe, there’s no going past that. So, Ballester and the boys get back to the apartment.

“Hey honey, how was your trip?” Gorgax asks.

“It was aight, how was the spa?”

“Oh, you’re never going to believe this! This building is huge, there’s so many layers to it...” She prattled on for the next couple of hours about how awesome Serge’s building is.

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