Chapter XVI: Making S**t Up

Chapter XVI: Making S**t Up 

Ballester is in the middle of a field, just jerking off, when a wild dog runs by and bites his c**k off. He shoots himself in the head and wakes up in his room. He opens his pants and checks to make sure it’s there again. He sighs in relief, and heads for the living room. “Hey babe.” He says to Gorgax. “Where are the kids?” 

“At work.” 

“Wanna hunt some Scotts with me?” 

“Hell yeah!” She gets herself equipped. They head out, and after a while, find two Scotts fighting over Ballester’s mangled dick that the dog chewed on. “What the f**k?” 

“What?” 

“That looks like your penis.” 

“It- it’s not, they all look very similar.” 

“What were you doing before you got killed?” 

“Does it matter?” I already killed them.” 

“Aww.” She looks disappointed. 

“Let’s go see if we can find some more.” 

“Fine, as long as you let me kill them.” 

“Sure, whatever.” 

“So, was that your dick they were fighting over?” 

“Shut up.” 

“Haha, was it?” 

“Yes, now leave me alone.” 

“Geez, mister sensitive, calm down. So, what, you killed yourself because you didn’t want to live without it?” 

“No...the wolves got me.” 

“Ok, if you say so.” 

“That’s how it happened, they just tore me apart, I didn’t even know I lost my dick, ok?” 

“We’ve been together almost four years, I know you.” 

“You’re a pain in my f*****g a*s.” 

“So do something about it.” Ballester points his gun to her head. “Ok, hun, think about this for a second, unlike you, I can’t come back.” He lowers his gun. 

“You’re f*****g lucky.” They come across a farm, and there is two Scotts having sex in a giant pile of manure. 

“I wonder how they decide which one is the bottom?” 

“They take turns, watch.” On cue, one Scott stops humping the other, and they switch positions, while shitting on the pile and eating it. 

“Ok, I’ve seen enough.” She takes out her gun and kills the Scotts. “Well, that was hardly thrilling. Can we find some more or something?” Fine, she wants a challenge? Well, here ya go. A chinging sound can be heard nearby. All of the animals are missing, and the giant Ching is covered in blood. 

“You just had to say something, didn’t you?” 

“I’m sorry, I forgot.” 

“Can we get some help down here?” Ballester’s arms fall off. “Gee, thanks a lot. It sure can’t get any worse than this.” His legs fall off too. “That’s just great, what else can go wrong?” Ballester is temporarily gifted his brother’s skin. “Ah, f**k, don’t tell me-” The Ching bites and grinds on Ballester who can feel all the pain of being chewed like gum. As he’s getting chewed, the Ching gets bigger and bigger, going from the size of a barn, to a five story building, and growing. 

“Well? Are you going to do something about this?” I ask Gorgax. 

“What? Oh, yeah!” She starts shooting it with Corrodium bullets, but nothing happens. “What the f**k is happening?” 

“Your safety net is currently gum, and it seems to me like you found the acid resistant variant. Lucky you, try winning against this one! Come on now, it’s almost done eating that barn, and it’s bigger than Alfredo, pretty soon, there won’t be a farm left.” 

“Why only us? There's 5 million Galaxians and humans, why us?” 

“Oh, I don’t care about them, but I love you guys, especially minty fresh over there. You’re even lucky you exist, cause in the original comics, Ballester didn’t have an alien wife and half breed kids. Don’t worry, you serve your purpose, and that is to do as I wish.” 

“So, we don’t have free will?” 

“You’re allowed the free will I give you and nothing more. I’m only on chapter sixteen, and you’ve been together almost four years? Come on, in real life, time doesn’t work like that. And you have no memories of anything other than what I give you.” 

“So, life is a lie?” 

“Yours is, but it’s an entertaining lie.” 

“I HATE YOU!” 

“Good, now you’re getting it, you sound like him, who by the way can feel everything in there, so you should really do something about this Ching, cause it’s just getting bigger and bigger.” 

“How am I supposed to beat this thing? It would take an army.” 

“Well then, you’d better do something about it.” 

“Well, I can’t do anything until you tell me what to do.” S**t, she’s right. How are they going to get out of this situation? “Can’t you just wipe its existence? You can do that, right?” 

“Oh, you want me to deus ex machina this sucker?” 

“Please!” 

“Fine.” I shrink the Ching and fling it off to a far off place for them to fight a different time. “Happy now?” 

“Yes! Oh my Scorpious, you look horrible, Ballester!” 

“Hah, he looks like his chewed up dick from earlier!” I laugh cause that’s funny to me. 

“F**k you!” Ballester says as he gives me the finger. 

“I love you, too!” I smile wide. Ballester shoves his whole arm into a horse’s a*s. 

“The f**k?” He takes his arm out of the horse’s a*s, and it attracts a Scott, who starts jerking off to Ballester’s s**t covered arm. Scott starts licking it off, while he continues to jerk it. Another Scott comes up from behind them and sticks his head in the horse’s a*s and manages to slowly get inside. Ballester shoots the Scott licking his arm in the head while the other Scott ends up disappearing into the horse’s a*s, completely encased inside. “That’s f*****g sick.” The horse farts, and s***s Scott across the farm, and into a brick wall, killing him, covered in horse s**t. “Yuck. Let’s go home before something else gross happens. Ballester and Gorgax are on their way back, when they see two Scotts having sex on top of, and eating the corpses of, the Scotts that died earlier in the mound of s**t. “You can have this one, babe.” 

“Why thank you, darling.” She shoots them with the Corrodium gun, and they instantly melt under the acid, reducing them to puddles of muscle, skin, and bone. 

“Nice!” 

“Thanks, modified it myself.” They continue their walk, and approach the field they were at earlier and see a Scott dumping on the Scott corpses from earlier. He picks up Ballester’s mangled dick and eats it. Then, he starts eating the s**t off of and from the corpses before he punches a hole in the chest of one and starts feasting on the heart. Ballester shoots him in the head, and they head back toward the lab, where Chimmy is waiting at the gate. 

“So, how’d it go for you guys?” Chimmy asks, as he unlocks the gate to let them in. 

“Don’t ask.” Ballester responds. “I’d ask you for some of your hot dog bread, but my arm was in a horse’s a*s.” 

“Oh, that’s no problem!” Chimmy says as he rips his hot dog bun off and gives it to Gorgax. “I’m sure your hands are cleaner than his, besides, it’s romantic.” He winks. 

“You’re the best hot dog guard dog we’ve ever had!” 

“Woof, bro.” 

“Have you been chewing on your crotch?” 

“I smell like hot dog because I am a hot dog, and I’m also a dog, so I can’t help but chew on my crotch.” 

“You’re crazy, man.” Ballester says as he shakes his head and they head toward the building, Gorgax feeding him hot dog bun on the way. “It shouldn’t taste this good, but it does.” 

“Really?” Gorgax takes a bite. “Mmm, you’re right, this is delicious!” They stop by Serge’s lab, and Ballester fills out the paperwork. 

“So, you guys were pretty fucked, eh?” Serge asks. 

“You saw what happened, I don’t wanna talk about it.” 

“You know you’re going to have to fight that Ching eventually.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Look, sorry about that whole thing, I was in a pretty s****y mood.” 

“Yeah, well, what can I do about it? I can’t kill you, and I can’t kill God, I’m stuck doing your bidding.” 

“I thought sending some Scotts would cheer you up.” 

“It kinda helped.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

“Wait, that YOU sent?” 

“That’s right.” 

“How?” 

“Come here, I’ll show you.” Ballester wakes up in his bed. 

“What the f**k just happened?” 

“You died again, dear.” Gorgax tells him. 

“Ugh, is there any hot dog bun left?” 

“Hot dog bun?” 

“Yeah, we were eating Chimmy’s hot dog bun on the way home from our mission.” 

“Oh, I would love to go on a mission! I haven’t been to one in so long!” 

“That’s impossible, we just got home from one.” 

“Stop it, that’s not funny!” 

“No, I swear, me and you just got home from a mission and-” He sniffs his arm and it smells normal.  

“Why did you smell your arm?” 

“It’s supposed to smell like a horse’s a*s.” 

“There’s something seriously wrong with you, I’m going to have Nyvar take a look at you.” 

“No, that’s alright. I’ll go ask Serge, I’m sure he knows.” 

“Whatever.” Gorgax rolls her eyes. Ballester gets to Serge’s lab. 

“What just happened?” 

“You stumbled onto my secret is what.” 

“What secret?” 

“Doesn’t matter, you won’t believe me, just like you didn’t believe me last time, or the time before that.” 

“What? What about Gorgax? She doesn’t remember anything!” 

“Yeah, I had to erase her whole day.” 

“What the hell are you doing to us?” 

“Anything I want. Aren’t you supposed to be masturbating right now?” 

“What?” Ballester is in the middle of a field, just jerking off, when a wild dog runs by and bites his c**k off. He shoots himself in the head and wakes up in his room. He opens his pants and checks to make sure it’s there again. He sighs in relief, and heads for the living room. “Hey babe.” He says to Gorgax. “Where are the kids?” 

“At work.” 

“Wanna hunt some Scotts with me?” 

“Hell yeah!” She gets herself equipped. They head out, and after a while, find two Scotts fighting over Ballester’s mangled dick that the dog chewed on. “What the f**k?” 

“Oh, s**t...” 

“What?” 

“We’re in a rerun.” 

“A rerun?” Gorgax laughs. “This is real life, you can’t live the same exact day twice.” 

“Tell that to the Ching we’re going to face today.” 

“Yeah, I’m definitely taking you to see our daughter, you’re obviously fucked up in the head.” 

“Noooooooo!” Ballester yells as he’s dragged away in a straight jacket.