Chapter XXIII: Ballester Prepares For Battle

Chapter XXIII: Ballester Prepares For Battle 

Ballester looks at his infantry, a whole bunch of guys who look like him, mainly because they’re bald and jacked. “Do whatever your commander asks of you. You can’t be hurt easily, so take advantage of it. Any and all weapons are available at your disposal. The invasion will be here sometime next week, I want a one hundred percent accuracy rate from all of you during your final tests. If you fail, you will be reassigned. I’ve taught you everything I know, so when those m***********s get here, show NO MERCY!” 

“NO MERCY!” They all say together. Ballester smirks as he sees them all, following his lead.  

Quick note: In the original run of my Ballester comics, his catchphrase was, ‘no mercy!’ This is his first time commanding troops though, there was no war in the original comics, but the story had to go somewhere, right? The original comics was just Ballester killing Scott and random pop culture icons. I left out the pop culture icons, especially since their original intent was wholesomeness. I guess maybe Ballester was me forcing myself to grow up, after all, I was almost 14. Which is why it’s so juvenile, I was a juvenile when I created Ballester, and through this book, I’m keeping that spirit alive by making it as stupid as possible. Sorry for rambling, but since nobody will ever see the original Ballester comics ever again, I just figured I’d share some lore with you. Ok, back to the show. Where was I? I don’t know what I want to put here, so let’s just make some s**t up again, shall we? 

Ballester is shooting heroin one day when Ruzal comes up to him. “Hey dad, watcha doin?” 

“Heroin, you want some?” So, they share needles and they both die. But, because Ballester is immortal, it wears off, and his son is still dead. “Noooooo!” He starts crying as he holds his son’s dead body. Then, a Ching passes by, and cuts Ruzal’s head off. This angers Ballester, so he shoots himself in the head. But since he’s immortal, it doesn’t affect- “F**k you!” He tells me. 

“Fine, none of that s**t ever happened.” Soft reset, everyone’s fine. Ruzal approaches his father. 

“So, I just talked to my sniping team, they seem pretty jazzed about the battle.” 

“You check their scores?” 

“Yup, perfection all around. You?” 

“Mostly perfect, there’s this one guy, Kantu Peeves, he sucks so hard, I’m going to have to reassign him.” 

“That’s too bad. Can you get a replacement?” 

“Not without cloning me.” They both start laughing, and Ballester stops and runs to Serge’s lab. 

“What’s up?” Serge asks. 

“Clone me.” 

“Are you f*****g crazy? Remember last time I used that thing? I caused The End of the World.” 

“It’s been five years, you haven’t fixed it yet?” 

“Oh, me and Oigres fixed it two years ago. No, I’m not taking the risk though. Tried to clone an apple, and all I got was a plastic one.” 

“How’d you get a plastic apple from a real apple?” 

“I don’t know, it was like some cheap imitation apple trying to pull off being...a real... Now I see what you’re getting at. One of your guys not make it through training?” 

“Yeah, Kantu Peeves.” Serge makes a page contacting Kantu to come into his office. 

“Waddup, brahs?” Kantu says as he does the surfer salute. 

“Come here.” Serge says. 

“Woah, boss man wants to talk to me, haha, so waddup, brah?” 

“This.” Serge says as he pushes him into the Grinder. “Go ahead, clone yourself, but only one, we don’t need another Scott situation.” 

“Trust me, I hate having to do this in the first place.” He steps into the cloning chamber, and out come two Ballesters, but one is clearly deformed. 

“NO MERCY!!” Screams the clone as he runs out and starts killing people. 

“Stop him!” Serge tells Ballester, who starts running after his clone. Ballester shoots his clone in the head, which knocks him out. “How many people did he kill?” 

“Nobody important.” 

“Good, we’re preparing for war, I don’t need any casualties yet.” Ballester drags the bodies and tosses them into the Grinder. “Man, this was a great investment!” 

“Yeah, I’ll say. What do we do about him?” 

“I’ll have to do some brain surgery on him, make him less hostile.” 

“Yeah, but if he’s a twink, he ain’t gonna fight!” 

“Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.” 

“You’d better.” Serge gives him a side eye. “Whatever, I'm going home. Ballester returns to his apartment and notices it’s empty. “Everyone must still be at work.” He lights up a blunt and starts smoking. Oigres returns first. 

“Not staying, dad, just need to grab something to eat, I’m helping Serge work on your clone.” 

“Ok, have fun!” Oigres leaves, and Nogal comes home. 

“Dad, we need to know where your men will be stationed, here, mark it on the map.” Nogal tells him as he hands him a map and a marker. Ballester makes his mark and returns the items to his son. “Thanks, dad. Aren’t you supposed to be with your unit right now?” 

“Yeah.” 

“So, why aren’t you?” 

“Do I look like I give a s**t?” 

“Well, you should, our planet is about to be invaded!” 

“You sound like the boss.” 

“And he’s right! Why don’t you care?” 

“I’m Ballester F*****g Sallone, I can’t die.” 

“So f**k the rest of us, then?” Ballester doesn’t answer. “Whatever, I’m going back to work.” Nogal leaves, and a few minutes later, Gorgax comes home. 

“Hey, what’s up, sexy?” 

“Nothin’” Gorgax says. “What’s the matter?” 

“You know how I don’t give a s**t about anything?” 

“Yeah...” 

“But I give a s**t about you and the kids.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“I don’t really care about the invasion, I know I can’t die, but you guys can.” 

“So?” 

“I care if you guys die. I don’t care if my whole unit gets obliterated, or even if we lose the war, but the thought of losing you, it makes me feel a way that I’m not used to.” 

“Maybe you should visit Nyvar, maybe you’re ill?” 

“No, it’s not that kind of, I don’t know, upset I guess.” 

“Oh, that’s understandable, I’ve lost men under my command, so I get it.” 

“I’m going to do a bunch of heroin.” 

“Don’t do too much, or you won’t wake up on time!” 

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He’s about to do a fat line when Ruzal comes into his bedroom. “What now?” 

“Dad, I need you to approve these sniper locations, why aren’t you with your men?” 

“Cause they’re fine.” 

“Really? Cause Serge says you need to train your clone? Is he being serious? You cloned yourself?” 

“We’re short a guy.” 

“Well, he says the clone should be ready in about thirty minutes. You’re not going to do all of that, are you?” 

“Well, I WAS going to go to sleep, but I guess not.” 

“Can I have a little?” 

“I don’t know how it’ll affect you. This is a painkiller for humans, made illegal because it’s too strong.” 

“Just a little bit, then?” Ballester provides a bump, and Ruzal does it. 

“Woah, I can hear colors and see sounds!” 

“So it has a psychotropic effect?” 

“Hell yeah, this is amazing, this is what it’s like when you do it?” 

“No, it just slows me down, puts me to sleep.” 

“Really? Sucks to be you! I got work to do, I’m coming, flying Zorgofish!” He yells as he runs out of the apartment. Ballester does a little bump himself, and lies down on the bed. A little later, he hears Serge page him, and he gets up and goes to Serge’s lab. 

“What?” 

“Meet your smarter clone.” Serge says. 

“Hi, I’m Ballester Ballone.” the clone says. 

“Really?” Ballester says. 

“Yeah, I’ll just call him Beebee and you Bee-ess.” 

“Ha.Ha. Very f*****g funny.” 

“It is to me.” 

“Come on, I have a lot to teach you.” B.S says to B.B. “Really?” B.S says to me. 

“Yeah, that’s right, you’re B.S. What are you gonna do about it? Nothing, cause you’re not real and I am! Muahahahahaha!” I can be a dick sometimes, I know, but it’s funny to me. They go to the firing range where B.S’s other grunts are. 

“How are you guys doing here?” B.S asks. 

“Perfect shot every time, boss!” One of them says. 

“Good, now teach him.” B.S says as he leaves. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be the one doing that?” 

“Do you always disrespect your superior officers?” 

“No sir.” 

“Good, then drop and give me a million.” 

“A mill- a million, sir?” 

“Wanna go for two?” 

“No sir!” He immediately drops and starts doing pushups. 

“See that pickup truck over there?” B.S asks B.B. 

“Yeah.” B.B answers. 

“Pick it up and bring it over here in ten seconds.” B.B goes over to the truck, goes underneath it, and picks it up, running towards B.S. “Fifteen seconds, too long. Do it again and put it where you found it in ten seconds.” B.S has B.B run the drill until he gets it done in nine seconds. “Now, practice your marksmanship skills.” B.B’s aim is on point, and he hits all the targets. “Good, that’s the basics, just keep practicing until the last guy goes home.” 

“Yes sir!” Ballester leaves and goes back to his apartment. 

“How’s your clone?” Gorgax asks. 

“He’s fine, I wanna go to bed now.” Ballester goes into his room, but Gorgax follows. 

“What’s the matter?” 

“Scorpious, what else?” 

“What did he do this time?” 

“I’m B.S.” Gorgax chuckles. “What’s so funny?” 

“Nothing, I get why you’d be upset by that, but you chose those initials.” 

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it’d backfire like this. Now let me do my giant line and pass out.” 

“Not until you change your attitude.” 

“Fine.” He eats a handful of acid and starts giggling. “I hope I can go to sleep now.” 

“How about some sex first?” 

“F**k yeah, I’m down!” They f**k, he does his heroin, and falls asleep. Unfortunately for him, his sleep is disturbed when the ground begins to shake...