Chapter XXXI: Serge Returns!

Chapter XXXI: Serge Returns! 

Hey guys, Scorpious here, from my month long break, and... what the f**k happened here? Why is Alfredo made of metal? Where the f**k is Ballester’s crew? What the f**k happened while I was gone? “Yo, Ballester, what the f**k is going on?” I shout down to him. 

“Finafuckingly!” Ballester says. He tells me and Serge what happened with the Zorkons, and how they lost Chimmy, Arizona, Hallester, Gorgax, and Ruzal, along with a bunch of genetically engineered experiments and random people.  

“They killed Alfredo?” I ask. Ballester drags the bones to show me. Oh my Me, how did this happen?” 

“I told you, it was the Zorkons, they shot a laser bazooka through his belly and then ate him!” 

“And what happened to Chimmy, Arizona, Hallester, Gorgax and Ruzal?” 

“The Zorkon leader killed them all...well, we’re still not sure what happened to Ruzal, his body was never actually found.” 

“Alright, well, we can’t have a story without much of a cast of characters, right?” 

“I guess so.” 

“Deus ex machina!” Boom, Chimmy, Gorgax, Arizona, and Hallester appear out of nowhere. 

“What the f**k happened?” They ask together, but not at the same time. Ballester runs up and hugs Gorgax. 

“I missed you, baby.” Ballester says. 

“Where was I?” 

“The Zorkon leader killed you, he pushed you into the Grinder.” 

“Why would he do that?” 

“To hurt me. He pushed Oigres in too. But luckily, he inherited my immortality, and led a revolution along with !” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, I’m glad the kids are ok.” 

“Well... not all of them, Ruzal is still missing.” 

“Oh my Scorpious!” 

“Yeah.” 

“What’s Serge doing here? Didn’t he die?” 

“Apparently, that was a clone.” Gorgax and Ballester walk up to Serge. 

“You son of a b***h!” 

“What?” Serge asks. 

“You replaced yourself with a clone? And you couldn’t do that with the rest of us?” 

“I didn’t have the time. Besides, I’m the most important person on Earth.” 

“How dare you?” 

“How dare I what? I’m the Ultimate Ruler. Look, the clone’s job was to keep the link with Scorpious while I was gone.” 

“That explains why we couldn’t get ahold of Scorpious during the whole thing.” Ballester says. 

“Wait a minute, Scorpious controls our universe, right?” Gorgax asks. 

“Yeah...” Ballester says. 

“So He knows exactly what happened. Nothing would have happened without His knowledge.” 

“Wait a minute, you’re right!” Gorgax and Ballester look at Serge, and then up at me. Oh, s**t. “How could you do that to us?” 

“Because I wanted to f**k with everyone, it’s what I do. You, the reader, everyone. Quite a plot twist, eh?” I say. They proceed to beat on Serge. “Woah, woah, slow down there, Serge had nothing to do with it, it was all me. He may rule your universe, but I control what happens in it, and you can’t touch me. Besides, if you wanna continue to live and have more adventures, I suggest you play nice.” 

“F**k you!” Ballester tells me. 

“I love you too, son.” This just pisses him off, and he storms off, with Gorgax following him. “Anyone else have anything to say to me?” Everyone else just looks down at their feet and don’t say anything. “Thought so.” Serge goes into his lab. 

“What the f**k happened in here?” He asks Oigres. 

“Gross experimentation, dad on the brink of death, the cloning of Alfredo, Zimzax living in your quarters, Eyes hooked up to Brains, where do you want me to start?” Oigres answers. 

“My poor Eyes, what have they done to you?” 

“I have been hooked up to Brains to act as a security system for the lab, as I can see in all directions.” Eyes/Brains answers. 

“There’s nothing I can do about this, is there?” He asks me. 

“Nah, I like him better this way.” I tell him. 

“Of course you do.” 

“Well, Eyes wasn’t really that interesting anyway.” 

“Yeah...I guess...” 

“Don’t worry, I have an equally uninteresting character coming up soon.” 

“Yay.” Serge says, unenthusiastically. I just laugh, because f**k him. Chimmy walks into the lab. 

“So, do I get back to work or...?” He asks Serge. 

“Yeah, for now.” 

“For now?” 

“Yeah, I’m gonna send you and the crew on a mission soon.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, go, guard the gate.” Ballester comes into the lab, flushed. “What happened to you?” 

“The best sex of my life, that’s what.” He says. 

“So, Oigres tells me you were at the brink of death.” 

“Yeah, it sucked balls.” 

“But you CAN’T die.” 

“Yeah, Zimzax took complete advantage of that fact.” 

“How?” 

“He kept me pinned to the wall, had me die and come back to life over and over again.” 

“That sounds like absolute hell.” 

“It was, it really was.” 

“How’d you escape?” 

“Well, when Oigres militarized the remaining citizens and Zimzax was distracted, ! snuck right in and took down the force field and released me.” 

“Let me guess, he tried killing you.” 

“Many times.” 

“Hah, what an a*****e.” 

“He really was, but once things started crumbling, he cried like a b***h.” 

“Hahaha I bet he did.” 

“So, if it was your clone that got killed, what have you been up to this whole time?” 

“Oh! I took the Scotts and Shitbag with me, and I dropped them off on S**t Planet, former home world of the Galaxians. I wanted to study them.” 

“And?” 

“They thrived, they had food everywhere, and they crowned Shitbag as their leader.” 

“I thought the Scotts didn’t have a leader?” 

“Not among themselves, no. But being a giant condom full of s**t, Shitbag didn’t even have to do anything, they were just like, magnetically attracted to him.” 

“Haha, that’s pretty funny.” 

“Yeah, it is. What’s funnier is that if they have sex with Shitbag, as opposed to him having sex with them, they can reproduce.” 

“What???” 

“Yeah, fucked up, ain’t it? See, if Shitbag has sex with them, they explode. If they have sex with Shitbag, he swells up and s***s out a Scott.” 

“Are the babies as dumb as the originals?” 

“First of all, they come out as adult as the next Scott, and no, they don’t seem any more intelligent.” 

“I guess that’s what happens when you have s**t for brains.” 

“Hahaha exactly.” 

“Is there any genetic difference between the original clones and the ones reproduced by Shitbag?” 

“Yes, I managed to dissect one. All of its internal organs are all s**t based, and their blood is diarrhea. Upon looking at them, you can’t tell the difference.” 

“Oh man, that’s great.” 

“Get Gorgon for me, will ya?” 

“Yeah, sure.” Ballester leaves and returns with Gorgon. 

“Yes sir?” Gorgon asks. 

“So, I talked to your scientists and other representatives, and they’ve agreed to allow your former home planet to be the Scotts’ new home planet and in return, all of your people can come and populate this planet with the rest of your species.” 

“But what about our trade routes?” 

“You can have them come to us. If any of the species that comes by decides to become hostile, just remind them of what was done to the Zorkons, who, as I understand it, are feared throughout the galaxies.” 

“Yes sir, thank you sir.” 

“I’m appointing you as the official Galaxian representative of Earth, I will be the human representative.” 

“Ok sir, I will start making calls.” 

“Get to it.” 

“Yes, sir! Buy corn!” 

“Oh, that reminds me, in case we run out of corn on our planet, you can return to S**t Planet to get more.” 

“S**t Planet, sir?” 

“Yeah, we renamed the planet, sorry.” 

“It’s ok, I wasn’t even born on the planet anyway, I was born on the ship I came in on.” 

“How is cleaning the planet going?” 

“Well, the air is finally clear, the oceans are almost clear of garbage, but the landmasses of garbage are still going to take some time. I’d say we’re at about 77% completion.” 

“Wow, and it’s already been, what, almost a decade now, huh?” 

“You humans really did a number on your planet.” 

“Yeah, I know, it made me ashamed to be human.” 

“I understand. Is there anything else, sir?” 

“Not that I can think of right now.” 

“Ok.” 

“Dismissed.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Did you need anything else, Ballester?” 

“Yeah, without Chings or Scotts, what am I going to do all day?” Ballester asks. 

“Train for your mission.” 

“And what mission is that?” 

“I still have to work out some details, but you’re going to go exploring.” 

“Didn’t I do enough of that?” 

“Nah.”  

Reviews

[ETERNITY]

Heck! I don't know why Alfredo's made of metal!
The last I heard, Alfredo was simply going along while Plops was gobbling the s**t.
Hmmm. Beats me!
Dinner time!

[Scorpious Alpha]

Lol are you reading it backwards?

[ETERNITY]

Yep! I started with the last chapter, working backward. It's all wide open and like you said, "Ridiculous nonsense" so it doesn't have a pattern, does it?

[Scorpious Alpha]

Well, it's a linear story, so it has a beginning and somewhat of a plot, but yes, a lot of stuff in this book is just absolute nonsense. This particular chapter just happens to be nothing but nonsense, hence the chapter title

[ETERNITY]

Okey dokey, I can start again. I'll go to chapter uno.
Thanks!

[Scorpious Alpha]

No probs, you might end up liking it even more🤷‍♂️

[ETERNITY]

Yes, I see I've already been there... but here I go again...on my own..going down the only road I've ever known... I ain't wastin no more time

[Scorpious Alpha]

Like a drifter you were born to walk alone?

[ETERNITY]

Here I Go Again by White snake. I spend a lot of time on Youtube reading Bukowski and I like the old music.

[ETERNITY]

https://youtu.be/uWSg1z0hzjs?si=Bd5AdwcukszPOpFH

[Scorpious Alpha]

Same here! Old music is the best

[ETERNITY]

Yeah! CLASSIC ROCK!