Chapter XXXVII: S**t Planet

Chapter XXXVII: S**t Planet 

“Arizona, drop a beacon, we’re here.” Ballester says. 

“Dropping.” Arizona says as she pulls the lever. 

“Contact Serge, tell him we made it.” 

“Aye, captain.” She presses the big button and Serge appears on screen. 

“I take it you guys made it?” Serge asks. 

“Yup, we made it all right, they’re already clinging to the ship wondering what’s inside.” 

“Ok, you guys have to suit up for this one. First of all, the air is toxic to everyone except Scott and Shitbag, it’s basically pure methane. I don’t know how the Scotts live there when they’re clones of a human. That’s what I’m studying, or rather was, when I was there. Secondly, it is toxic to Galaxian skin, one of the Galaxian scientists that were studying how to clean the planet found out it causes your skin to burn completely off if you get hit with or step in any s**t, which is everywhere. That being said, Ballester could take this mission alone, all you’re doing is dropping off Shitbag, and maybe some hunting. Actually, that being said, Chimmy, you don’t get to fight Scotts too often, why don’t you go with him?” 

“Can I?” Chimmy asks. 

“Yeah.” Ballester says. 

“What’s with the formality?” Serge asks. 

“I gave him a demerit because instead of fighting a giant rock monster made up of little rock monsters, he fled with the rest of us.” 

“Wait, you’re taking rank seriously? I expected you to-” 

“To what, act like an idiot, getting myself killed over and over again? I’m smarter than you give me credit for. I spent a long time in the service, rank still means something to me, sir.” 

“Duly noted.” 

“Well, considering you’re on Scat Planet- ugh, I mean Scott Planet, ugh, I mean S**t Planet, you know it’s about to get stupid.” 

“Do we have to?” 

“It’s in the air.” 

“Yeah, I suppose it is.” Ballester and Chimmy get suited up and armed. 

“Can I come too?” Oigres asks. 

“You haven’t wanted to hunt Scott for years, are you sure?” 

“Actually, I wanna study them too, I think I’m smelling what Serge is stepping in, pun intended.” 

“Oh, ok.” 

“I might take a few down for old times sake.” 

“Just don’t get them close to our suits, the only farts I wanna smell are my own.” 

“Long range, got it.” Oigres goes to the weapon locker and switches his grenades with a mysterious looking bazooka, small in size, and multi slotted. 

“Ooh, what beauty you got there, son?” 

“It works like a bazooka, but it fires them in a cluster like a shotgun. The shells are filled with a special toxin that only applies to Scotts, it turns them into a puddle of Scott. IF any splashes on us, we’ll be fine.” 

“Good work, son. Now, let’s go to the cargo hold. 

“One more thing.” Serge says from the monitor. 

“Sup?” 

“Do. Not. Kill. Them. All. I’m really serious about this, I know it’s fun killing clusters, but only do one cluster each max, plus any you run into on the way to Shitbag’s house.” 

“Yes sir.” 

“Good soldiers follow orders.” 

“Yes sir.” The three of them go down to the cargo hold, and open it up. 

“Ballester, I missed you, baby!” Shitbag screams. 

“Let’s go, I’m- we’re bringing you home. Considering the cluster out there waiting for us is going to be all over you, we have to bring you home, because they will claw you apart, because the s**t that you’re composed of is so rare, they want it bad. It’s like there’s a person loaded with gold, and the townspeople tearing him apart for their share. That’s what those Scotts will do. We will have to escort you and kill any Scotts on the way. 

“Some of them are my children!” 

“I know, but this is the way it has to be.” 

“Oh, I just want to get home, do what you have to, but I don’t want to see it. 

“Then close your eyes during the fighting.” 

“Yes, sir.” The door opens, and they’re immediately swamped by Scotts. Oigres fires his gun directly at them, melting them instantly. 

“That counts as your cluster, son.” 

“It’s ok, it felt good, years of repression, and the satisfaction knowing my invention worked perfectly, I’m gonna be good for awhile.” Oigres says. 

“Good. 

“Can we go now?” Shitbag asks. 

"Yes, lets. Ballester says. They start their journey forward. “So, where exactly do you live?” 

“Up there.” Shitbag points at the tallest tower on a huge mountain in front of them, all made out of s**t. 

“Of course.” They start climbing. At some point, they come across a Scott eating another Scott who had eaten another Scott. “Huh, you’d think with all this s**t around, they’d be eating that, not each other." Oigres says, as Ballester caps him. 

“Maybe they have a preference.” Ballester says. 

“Or maybe they just stumble on it and eat it.” 

“You mean, one Scott got eaten by another Scott who was being eaten by another Scott? I should report this to Serge, he may or may not know about this.” 

“It seems all the Scotts are naked.” 

“Gross.” 

“Oh yeah, I banned clothes, so we could all have sex!” Shitbag yells enthusiastically. Ballester looks at you, then asks Shitbag, 

“Is that all you do here?” 

“Pretty much, we just eat s**t and have sex. I don’t want any Scotts to go to waste when they die, so I have them eat them. I’ll even eat them if I’m in the mood!” 

“So, why do you live all the way the f**k up there?” 

“Well, it’s like you said, they’ll tear me apart for my insides. Ever since my last body got torn up by wolves, the Scotts that ate my s**t told other Scotts, and they worship me, but they also want what’s inside of me. Luckily, telling them ‘no’ works, but I’m afraid one could kill me in my sleep, so I live in the one place on this planet non accessible to Scotts.” 

“A planet full of nothing but s**t, Scotts included.” Ballester and Oigres laugh, but Shitbag is offended. 

“I’m starting to think that you think being s**t is bad.” 

“No, you’re not!” I say. There, memory erased. 

“Come on guys, I can’t wait to get home and play with my d***o.”  

“So, how do we expect to go up?” Ballester asks. 

“We start climbing.” Oigres says, as he takes out mountain climbing gear and hands some to Ballester. They begin their ascent, while holding on to Shitbag. They reach the first flat area, and look down. 

“Tell me again how Scotts can’t get up here?” 

“They’re too stupid to figure it out.” A bunch of Scotts at the bottom are trying to climb a straight, vertical surface with just their hands. “And because most of this planet is soft, it doesn’t give good stability.” 

“Oh, I get it, the higher up we go, the harder the s**t is.” 

“Exactly, and since the planet is made of it now, it makes for great building material. How Serge managed to build this by himself, it’s mind blowing.” 

“I’m sure he had help.” I wink at you. 

“Luckily, from here on out, we just take the elevator to the top.” They step into what looks like a s**t covered wall, but opens to a high tech elevator. 

“Sensing 4 organisms, please submit to a DNA scan.” The computer says. 

“Accept.” Oigres says. The elevator scans the four of them. 

“Ballester Sallone. Human. Accepted. Oigres Sallone. Human/Galaxian hybrid. Accepted. Shitbag. Accepted. Chimmy. Human/Dog/Hot Dog hybrid. Accepted. The elevator shoots up. 

“Man, Serge thought of everything.” Ballester says. 

“Of course he does, he’s not called Ultimate Ruler for nothing.” Oigres says. 

“How do you know all this?” 

“Really? At this point, you still have to keep asking? He took me under his wing, I know how he thinks, I’ve worked with him for a decade, dad.” 

“You know, the smart s**t is getting old.” 

“Well, that’s what I am, sorry I’m not a violence loving hunter like you, mom and Ruzal! But I’m not like that anymore. Sure, I got a thrill out of killing some Scotts, but it’s not my main objective, my main objective right now is to be your Science Officer, and your oldest son, and lemme just say that as your son, your surprise at my smartness is getting old. It’s like you expect me to be some wacky cartoon character like you, but I’m not, I’m a scientist, and I take my job very seriously. I wanna help the world. That’s why we’re out here in space, to see what we can find to help better our world.” 

“Alright, let’s, let’s just drop Shitbag off in his room and OH MY GOD!” The room looks like a sex dungeon, actually, it is, with chains built into the walls, and weapons, and all kinds of kinky s**t. 

“I decorated it myself!” Shitbag says, happily. 

“What do you do with all this stuff?” Ballester asks. 

“Serge gave me an abduction gun, so if I want to have fun with Scott, I can just catch one and do whatever I want with him!” 

“You sick f**k!” 

“I am a shitbag, after all.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I guess you are.” 

“Goodbye, my friends. You know, after a successful mission, we must have a celebratory f**k, Ballester.” 

“Do it, and I’ll feed you to the Scotts.” 

“And I’ll let him.” Oigres says. 

“Then today will be a bad day for Scott!” Shitbag says, as he starts to look evil. 

“I know that look.” Ballester says. “See ya, Shitbag! Come on guys, let’s go!” They head back into the elevator. 

“Three organisms detected. Ballester Sallone. Human. Accepted. Oigres Sallone. Human/Galaxian hybrid. Accepted. Chimmy. Human/Dog/Hot Dog hybrid. Accepted. The elevator shoots back down. 

“Bad day for the Scotts indeed, we gonna have some fun before we leave?” 

“Sure, why not?” Oigres says. They go back down the mountain, using it as a slide. They spend the next few hours killing Scotts, who are either having sex with each other, the s**t, or eating the s**t. “That was fun.” 

“Sure was, what’s your obsession with shoving the grenades up their asses?” 

“It’s just funny to me.” 

“Ok then. Chimmy, did you have fun?” 

“F**k yeah, it’s boring just being a security guard, Scotts barely came over by me. I think I only killed two the whole time.” 

“Well, I hope you all got your fill, because we won’t be coming back, hopefully.” Oigres says. They board the ship, and their suits instantly vaporize. 

“What the?” 

“The suits vaporize if covered in too many toxic chemicals.” Oigres says, as he points up, to a bar with blue electricity. “I turned it on before we left the ship, because these would stink up the ship, and they’re impossible to clean, did you not see how covered in s**t we were? So what that does, obviously, is vaporizes the suits upon entry. Serge installed this specifically for this planet, and any other planet we come across with a toxic environment, to avoid contaminating the rest of the ship.” 

“Damn, nice!” 

“It’s bad enough we have to air out the cargo bay, hopefully someone got on that already.” They head back to the bridge, and contact Serge. 

“Yo, waddup, waddup?” Serge asks. “Got Shitbag home ok?” 

“Yes sir.” Ballester says. 

“You didn’t wipe them all out, did you?” 

“No sir, we set a limit, sir.” 

“Very good, I’m pleased. Ok, so turns out, this solar system is just teeming with life. Go to the next planet, tell me what you find, I’m kind of really excited to see where you guys end up.”