Chapter LIII: Ballester and Sallester

Chapter LIII: Ballester and Sallester 

Ballester is in the lab getting ready to hunt some genetically modified Scotts, when Sallester walks in. “Hey son, what’s up?” Ballester asks. 

“What is it that you do?” Sallester asks. 

“I hunt and kil clones of a guy named Scott, they’re a real nuisance, shitting and cumming everywhere, they’re disgusting, they have even baser instincts than animals, it’s like they only have one brain cell and its job is to tell them to s**t and f**k.” 

“Gross.” 

“Yeah, you wanna come with me? Wanna do what I do?” 

“I- sure, I’ve always secretly wanted to kill somebody.” 

“Well now, you can get paid to do it, Ultimate Ruler Serge is our boss.” 

“Hey Sallester, long time no see.” Serge says. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t sure what to do around here. That Plops guy is gross, we’re surrounded by woods, but they only go so far, so I’ve just spent time at home. Thanks for giving me and mom separate apartments, I feel so much better.” 

“No problem. So, are you joining your old man today?” 

“Yeah, and I can pick any weapons I want?” 

“We have standard and alien, take your pick.” 

“Sweet, it’ll be like a video game! Pow, dead. Zap, dead.” 

“You seem a little too eager for this...” 

“I know, is that bad?” 

“Normally, yes. In this line of profession, no. Is that where you got your blood lust? Video games?” 

“Actually no, it’s just always been on my bucket list since the world ended, I was hoping for zombies, but there wasn’t any.” 

“You know, I wanna know something.” 

“What’s that?” 

“How did you, your mom, and several thousand more survive the end of the world? I’ve been trying to figure this out since it happened.” 

“I don’t know, honestly, the wave just felt like a cool breeze.” 

“Did you suffer any effects?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Do you want an exam done?” 

“Yeah, sure.” Serge checks him out while Ballester waits and watches. 

“Well, according to my tests, you have a healing ability, slightly different from your fathers, because if you get fatally wounded, you’ll still die and when you die, the body won’t be able to heal itself because it can’t. With your permission, I’d like to conduct an experiment that could help your longevity.” 

“What kind of experiment?” 

“Oh, you know, the ol’ switching your skeleton with an invincible one trick.” 

“So, I’ll be invulnerable?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Let’s do it! What are you gonna do?” 

“Well, I’m going to open you up, and switch out your bones section by section with a really hard metal that’s bulletproof, meltproof, but you’ll be heavier. Then, I’m going to elasticize your skin, so you’re harder to cut. Unfortunately, you’ll still feel pain, just ask your dad.” Ballester nods. 

“Let’s do it!” After a few hours, Serge finishes the surgery. 

“There ya go.” Sallester wakes up. 

“Huh?” 

“I said, ‘there ya go’” Sallester gets up and looks at himself in he mirror. 

“I look the same.” 

“Yeah, well trust me, you’re not. Wanna see your old skeleton?” 

“What?” He turns around to see a slightly blood soaked skeleton. “Holy f*****g s**t.” 

“You ready to kill some Scotts there, kid?” Ballester asks. 

“Let’s go save the day!” He takes one step and immediately falls. He picks himself up and tries again. Slowly but surely, he gets used to the increased weight, and is soon following his dad out of the lab, they get to the security gate. 

“Father son hunting?” Chimmy asks. 

“Yeah.” Ballester says. 

“Have fun, kid.” They enter the woods, and go deep. 

“Woah, I didn’t know about these woods!” Sallester says. 

“Yeah, Serge owns it, but the animals and Scotts live on it. Scotts are a nuisance and must be dealt with, they’re not supposed to exist, and now Serge mutated some because he’s f*****g crazy. They don’t call them ‘mad’ scientists for nothing.” 

“And then he sends us out to kill them?” 

“F*****g weird, right? Also, he’s directly connected to Scorpious, so don’t piss him off.” 

“Scorpious exists?” 

“Yup. Wanna say hi?” 

“Um, hi Scorpious?” Sallester says to me. 

“What’s up, Sallester? Long time no see, not since your cameos in Ballester’s comics.” 

“Huh?” His mouth is hanging open. 

“He controls our lives. What we do, what we say, everything. So don’t piss him or Serge off.” Ballester tells him. 

“I thought the whole ‘Lord Scorpious’ thing was a myth. 

“Oh, I’m no myth. I’m realer than you are.” I tell him. 

“I guess some things ARE a bit weird...” 

“Oh, and they’re about to get weirder. Go on with your journey, I’ll pop up randomly, but mostly I’m back here, watching, observing moving pieces as I see fit.” 

“F**k.” 

“Later d***o, love you.” Ok, I’m done now, Ballester and Sallester continue their hunt. Finally, they come across a  Scott fucking a pig, while shitting. 

“Ugh.” Sallester says. 

“Now you see why we need to get rid of them?” 

“Obviously, holy s**t.” 

“First one is yours, kid.” Sallester takes out his shotgun and blasts Scott’s head clean off, but it regows. 

“Oh s**t.” He blasts off limbs, which regrow into new Scotts. “F**k, F*****g s**t!” They start f*****g and sucking each other. Sallester switches to a minigun and blasts them all to bits, which regrow into more Scotts. 

“Try something else, they’re getting uncomfortably close, I don’t wanna get sprayed with s**t or cum.” 

“These are based on a real guy?” 

“Yeah, he was in the lab with me.” 

“Why’d HE have to get cloned?” 

“Cause he just ran into it.” 

“Any ideas?” 

“Flamethrower. Serge always gives our foes a weakness. I’m guessing if we light them all up until they’re ash, they can’t heal.” They both take flamethrowers and sweep their way through the crowd, moving slowly so as to not undercook any. Soon, around fifty piles of ash sit where the Scotts were. A huge gust of wind scatters them everywhere. 

“Let’s just hope we didn’t just plant Scott seeds.” They start laughing hysterically, and continue walking. Soon, they come across two Scotts sixty nining and shitting while they’re moving in a circular motion. Both Ballester and Sallester aim and shoot at the heads of the Scotts, only for the bullets to stop in midair. They float up and turn on their side. They send out a pulse that stop Ballester and Sallester from moving. Then, they’re able to walk slowly, and then normally. “Woah, what was that?” 

“I don’t know, but it was weird, because I swear we were closer to it. They rush the Scotts, shooting at them, only hitting a leg before the Scotts let out another pulse, freezing the both of them again. They slowly gather speed, before their previous speed of the rush. They toss grenades, as the Scotts send out another pulse, freezing them again. As they regain their speed again, the grenades go off in the Scotts’ faces, killing them. 

“I think they were time Scotts, that was some freaky a*s s**t.” 

“Well, this IS Serge we’re talking about here.” They decide to head back, they’re hungry and wanna have a father/son blunt. On their way back, they come across one random Scott, just sitting on the ground naked, jerking off. 

“Lovely.” 

“On three, we both head shot him at the same time, ready? One, two-” Ballester’s head explodes. His body dissolves. 

“Dad!” He hears moaning behind him, and there is a Scott drooling on his head. This Scott is also jerking off. “Where did you come from?” He backs away, and watches as both Scotts s**t out a Scott, and those Scotts start shitting more Scotts and the amount of Scotts starts multiplying rapidly. “S**t, s**t, s**t.” He starts throwing grenades and that seems to do the trick. He makes it down to the last Scott who just won’t die. While he’s flopping around because of the explosions, he keeps shitting Scotts who are then taken out by the next grenade just repeating the cycle. “Wait, dad said each one has a weakness.” He shoves a stick of dynamite up the Scott’s a*s, blowing him into a million pieces. The pieces attracts animals who take their share of the dead Scott. Sallester makes his way back to the lab where Ballester is talking to Serge. 

“How’d it go, kiddo? How’d you beat him?” 

“I shoved dynamite up his a*s.” 

“Good idea. I was just reporting to Serge our little excursion.” 

“How’d your head explode?” 

“Your mother sniped me with an explosive bullet.” 

“Ouch.” 

“Yeah, she couldn’t have picked a worse time! You shoved dynamite up all their asses?” 

“No, the copies died with grenades, but the main Scott just wouldn’t die, so in frustration, I shoved a stick of dynamite up his a*s and blew him to smithereens and fed the forest in the process.” 

“Oh yeah, they love their Scott meat.” 

“Haha, meat.” 

“Good job on your first day, you’re hired! Serge says, as he transfers a shitload of credits into Sallester’s account. 

“I was wondering how I was gonna be able to afford neat stuff, now I can!” 

“Oh yeah, we make bank.” 

“Sweet.” 

“Tell your mother I’m keeping track.” 

“For what?” 

"Her kills.” 

“Uh...OH! Ok.” 

“You know, our annual family hunting trip is coming up, would you like to join us?” 

“Yearly hunting?” 

“Yeah, Serge rounds up a s**t load of Scotts and we just have at them as a family. We all have our special way of killing Scotts, your brother Nogal is pretty good with swords and knives, and your other brother Oigres’ specialty is explosions.”  "Sure, I’d love to come. Does mom have to come?” 

“Unfortunately, Gorgax will insist, I promise you.” 

“S**t.” 

“It’s ok, there’s always something about hunting as a family that always brings out the best in us, so who knows? Maybe your mom will be less of a pain in the a*s than usual.” 

“Oh, Alright.” 

“Good, it’s two weeks from today.”