Chapter LXIX: Ballester vs. Ballester

Chapter LXIX: Ballester vs Ballester 

That’s right, you read that right. Ballester is dreaming he’s sixty nining himself. He looks at you, and says, “It’s not gay, it’s masturbation.” Then, he goes back to sucking dick. As they’re sixty nining, they’re spinning in a circle, all oiled up and shiny. Then, two Scotts come in and start f*****g the Ballesters. Ok, that’s enough for Ballester to wake up out of that nightmare. “Dude, what the f**k? I should probably lay off the heroin.” He says as he gets up and does a line of meth. He heads to the lab, where Serge is experimenting. “Watcha doing?” 

“Reassembling a Scott, what are you doing up this early?” 

“Nightmare.” 

“Recurring?” 

“No, this was a new one. I was-” 

“Don’t tell me. Every time you tell me, it’s something gross and sexual, and I’m not going to be able to tell you what it means. I’m smart, I don’t believe in Astrology.” 

“Hah, you replaced his nose with his penis. Does that mean his nose is- yup. Where’s his testicles?” Serge opens the Scott’s mouth. There, instead of a tongue are his testicles. His tongue however, replaced his testicles. His arms and legs have been swapped, and so have his ears and eyes. “Dude, you’re fucked up.” 

“What’s fucked up is he’s still alive.” 

“You’re-” 

“Insane, I know.” 

“Quite a fat Scott.” 

“Not fat, pregnant.” 

“What? But it’s a dude!” 

“Hahaha, I know, I just surgically implanted a female clone uterus inside of him to hold the baby.” 

“Why didn’t you just have her carry the baby?” 

“She was dying.” 

“Why was she dying?” 

“Because I didn’t come up with the idea until it was too late.” 

“Since when are there female Scotts? How do you tell them apart?” 

“They look like Scott in drag, and awhile now. If I clone en massse, at least 33% turn out female, which explains why they’ve been around so long, they were multiplying and we didn’t even know it.” 

“That’s crazy.” 

“Ok, so the hole where I removed his junk is where the baby is gonna come out, and hopefully, the tongue will help slide that baby right outta there, I pumped that hole so full of jelly, I hope I don’t drop baby Scott. I’m going to raise him apart from the rest, see what’s instinct, what’s learned, and if they could be taught.” 

“I thought you didn’t want any more smart Scotts!” 

“I don’t, which is why if I notice it’s learning too fast, into the Grinder he goes.” 

“Isn’t that a little harsh?” 

“No, you said it yourself, the whole point is to get rid of smart ones, including this one if necessary.” 

“Gotcha. How long before little Scott is born?” 

“Fifteen minutes, wanna watch?” 

“Yes and no.” He gets closer to Serge and the Scott. 

“This is a historic moment, I’ve never seen a Scott give birth to a Scott before.” 

“Um, yay?” The fifteen minutes go by, and Scott wakes up. 

“Mmlmnfgg.” Scot says, as he opens his mouth and his testicles roll out. He swings his head back, hitting himself in the face with them. He starts screaming as his hands feet grab the bed as he pushes out the Scott, who comes out slowly, covered in jelly. Exhausted, the Scott passes out, and Serge’s robots get rid of him by tossing him in the dumpster outside. As Serge is cradling the baby, he almost immediately grows into a full grown Scott. 

“Let the learning begin.” Serge says as he takes Scott with him to teach him some stuff, while Ballester, throwing a grenade in the dumpster to make sure that Scott dies, bumps into himself covered in mud. 

“Who the f**k are you supposed to be?” B.S asks. “Oh no, not this s**t again, I thought you were dead!” 

“Well, I f*****g wasn’t, just respawned was all...in a box...under six feet of f*****g dirt!” B.B says. 

“We honestly didn’t think you’d have my power. We figured you were just as mortal as everyone else, obviously not.” 

“Obviously not is right.” 

“So, what’s up?” 

“I didn’t even get my own funeral service. It was part of a mass service, and our names weren’t even mentioned! How? We fought that war too...especially for Serge, that f*****g scumbag, I’m going to kill him, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” B.S shoots B.B right in the head, and he falls over. B.S watches the body, which soon gets up, and the bullet falls out of his head. “Guess they shouldn’t have cloned an immortal guy.” 

“Ah, f*****g s**t balls!” 

“Yeah, not gonna be so easy, is it?” 

“Well, since we have the same power, there would be no point in us trying to kill each other.” 

“We can still beat the s**t out of each other.” 

“Bring it on, little guy.” B.B punches B.S, and B.S hits B.B back and absolutely shatters his jaw with a loud crack, breaks it off its hinge, and it ends up sideways. “I’m in the One Million Club. You don’t stand a chance.” 

“Oh ay, you in.” B.B manages to utter. B.S brings B.B back to the lab. 

“Come on, let’s get you all fixed up.” They enter Serge’s lab. 

“Ballester Ballone?” Serge asks. 

“Yup.” B.S answers. He pushes B.B into the Grinder. 

“I thought he died.” 

“So did I, apparently he’s been underground this entire time.” 

“He’s been underground for a decade?” 

“That’s what I’m wondering.” B.B enters the lab, dusting himself off. 

“Apparently, my respawn spot is my grave.” B.B says. 

“We thought you were dead.” B.S says. 

“I know, how many times are you gonna say that?” B.B says. 

“Why did you choose to stay underground for a decade?” 

“A decade?” 

“Yeah, if you were alive for your own funeral service, then you’ve been alive this whole time. Why didn’t you bust out during the service? Why wait until now?” 

“Oh, I didn’t just crawl out, I was making a name for myself in Hollywood! I only died cause of a drug deal gone bad.” 

“What kind of movies did you make?” 

“Porn, mostly gay porn, some animal porn.” 

“Oh dude, that’s sick. I hope nobody sees that s**t.” 

“Oh, I got tons of awards for my work.” 

“What stage name did you use?” 

“Well, since I couldn’t very well use my real name, I went with ‘Ballester Sallone’” 

“That’s my name, you son of a b***h!” 

“I know, have you been enjoying the mail that comes to your apartment?” 

“That explains those magazines and dvds of me doing gay s**t.” 

“Yeah, I had them send everything I ever made sent here.” 

“Are you really gay though?” 

“Nah, just thought I’d f**k with your reputation.” 

“But you actually did these things, how could you not be?” 

“Because all I could think about was how this was gonna f**k your life up.” 

“I gotta be honest, there’s no ‘Ballester Fever’. People don’t know I exist, they know you exist, but as far as people think, YOU’RE Ballester Sallone. Besides, I’ve done worse stuff. The difference is I didn’t film it.” 

“Go ahead trying to book a vacation though.” 

“Huh?” 

“The people who watch porn know who you are, and boy are they gonna treat you different.” 

“Oh. No. You’ve got me.” B.S says sarcastically. 

“Huh?” 

“I’ve got two wives I could make reservations under.” 

“But-” 

“You’re an idiot.” 

“Can I join the crew?” 

“You’ll hafta ask Serge.” 

“Ok.” He walks into Serge’s lab with Ballester following him. “Um, Ultimate Ruler Serge sir?” 

“What is it, Ballone?” 

“I was wondering if I can join the crew. Everyone at home thinks I’m dead, so I have no idea what to do now.” 

“Well, since you fought for the Earth, I suppose I could give you a job. You can clean Alfredo’s cage, and take Chimmy for a walk. Um, you could skim the lake for any baby Plops, they’ll be stuck to the bigger Plops. Just rip it right off, it’s ok, it doesn’t hurt either of them. Bring any you find to me, I’m sending them to different labs around the world so they have a giant, gelatinous mutated creature to guard their most precious specimens. Let’s see... that should be enough for a full day’s work, oh and you’re prohibited from Scott hunting until you’ve proven you can do all said jobs in a timelier manner than you would expect I expect.” 

“Why are you punishing me like this?” 

“Because you decided to try and smear my best employee’s reputation for no reason other than to be a dick. While I applaud the effort, you should have run it by me first. Since you didn’t, and since you did it maliciously, punishment seems appropriate.” 

“Weak, dude.” 

“You’re the a*****e who did this to yourself, you have nobody else to blame.” 

“Will I at least get cameos?” 

“We’ll see.” 

“Damn...” B.B gets to work on his chores. 

“Nice.” Ballester says. 

“I’ll make sure to have all the porn scrubbed and destroyed, sorry bout that. Didn’t even know he was kicking.” Serge says. 

“That’s like, the first nice thing you’ve ever done for me.” 

“It’s not, but you’re welcome.” 

“But why?” 

“What part of ‘best employee’ did you not understand?” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, now go do whatever it is you’re gonna do.”