Chapter LXXVI: Five Years Later/ Volume 4

Volume IV 

Chapter LXXVI: Five Years Later 

Hey, it’s me, Ballester. I’ve been so f*****g miserable these past few years. The kids too, all of them. I end every day by jumping in the Grinder, hoping that’ll be the one that kills me, but alas, I’m immortal. So, let me catch you up in the past five years. Serge forged an alliance with the fairy tale creatures and the robots. He’s trying to replicate magic, but having no luck. Oh, and something about the mirror planet possibly being an alternate universe, so he’s been tinkering on something to go between realities. Me? I spend every day looking for that Smart Scott, but he’s made it difficult, which sucks because that means he’s getting smarter and smarter. I wish I knew where to look, me and the gang have searched a hundred mile radius of the sewers, and still no sign. That’s my life now, searching sewers to find Scott. On the plus side, we were given the go ahead to clear all Scott cities of its residents because Serge doesn’t want any to get smart enough to do anything significant. Turns out every Scott City we come across has its own King Scott, only when they get smarter do they have a hierarchy. The oldest Scott is always King, but still dumber than a burned bag of s**t. Me, Hallester and Sallester are having a contest to see who can kill the most Scotts, I am of course, in the lead. Sallester is dead last, and I mean DEAD last, I have thirty more kills than he does. My brother is on my  heels though, I’m only eight ahead of him. I miss the f**k out of Gorgax, but mainly the sex. I miss the days when I could kill civilians, a lot of them suck. Killing Scotts just doesn’t really do it for me anymore. Some a*****e bumps into me or something and starts s**t, and all I wanna do is blow his brains out, and I can’t. I come across a******s all the f*****g time and wish I could just f*****g kill them all. I expressed my concerns to Serge, but he says there’s only so much he could do. I suggested making a law where anyone who starts s**t with me is qualified for death sentence carried out by me. We’ll see, if that law goes through, I can finally go back to the way things used to be. I used to be Ballester Sallone, mercenary, marine, all around badass. Now look at me, I hunt stupid clones in sewers and the only women I’ve ever loved are dead. I’d kill myself, but it does no good. I’m back to where I was when I started this job, mentally. All I wanna do is f*****g die, I don’t feel like there’s a point to living anymore. Sure I’ve got kids, but they’ve got their own lives. Well, except Sallester, he goes with me and my brother on this stupid f*****g mission we’ve been on for five f*****g years. So, what am I doing right this second? I’m gearing up to go to work with the kid and the bro, as usual. We may have found another Scott City, and I hope so, cause the past year has been pretty empty, just a random Scott here and there. Good thing I’m rich, cause I’ve had to use all of my savings for food and s**t cause we’re not getting paid if we don’t find anything. And the mapping fee is a monthly basis, so it’s not like I can depend on that. I should know, I’m always comping the other two towards the end of the month. So, as usual, we’re following the clean pathways in the sewers which usually lead to a Scott City, and lo and behold, looking as crappy as every other Scott City. We don’t go in blasting, first we demand to see the King Scott and inquire him about the Smart Scott, if he’s ever seen him, so far I’ve gotten all ‘no’s’. That’s usually when we start blasting. Anyhoo, gonna let Scorpious take over now. 

“You ever see a super smart Scott? Like, way smarter than you?” Ballester asks King Scott. 

“Yeah, I actually I did!” King Scott says. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, he said he was going to um, that place with the things.” 

“What place? What things?” 

“S****y.” 

“City?” 

“Yeah, Boner City!” 

“Bone- what used to be Chicago. Damn, that’s a long way from here.” 

“I’m sure Serge will figure it out.” Sallester says. 

“Yeah, probably.” Ballester says. “Ok, boys, fun time!” Ballester takes a shotgun and blows King Scott’s head apart. They spread apart and start killing Scotts. Luckily, the Scotts aren’t smart enough to attack. When it’s over, they regroup. Ok, what’s the count?” 

“15.” They both say. 

“Perfect. Let’s go back to the lab.” After wiping out the village, they make their way back to the lab. “We know where he’s headed.” Ballester tells Serge. 

“Finally! Where?” Serge asks. 

“Boner City.” 

“Boner City? Ugh, someone should have educated Galaxians on slang before they were allowed to name any settlements. All right, looks like tomorrow you guys are going to Boner City. What was the count?” 

“31. Fifteen for each of them and one for me, the Scott King.” 

“Thought you’d want a bigger cut.” 

“Nah, they need it more than I do.” 

“Oh, do you guys need a raise? I have no problem raising your guys’ rates, you’re all of the same blood, so I know I’m getting my money’s worth.” 

“Well, now that you mention it...” Sallester says awkwardly. 

“Kinda, yeah, I make semi regular trips to the strip club, and it’s becoming a habit...” Hallester says. 

“Fine.” Serge says, as he doubles their rate. “Good enough?” 

“Yeah.” They both say, excitedly. 

“Enjoy.” Hallester and Sallester rush out of the lab. “Didn’t they know all they had to do was ask me?” 

“It’s the whole ‘Evil Ultimate Ruler’ thing that freaks them out.” 

“Ah. Ha. Hahahahahaha!” Serge laughs uncontrollably. “Wow, I knew I was good at it, but I didn’t think my own employees would be afraid of me.” 

“They think that if they ask for anything, you’ll have them tortured or killed or something.” 

“I’m not a dictator...well, I kind of am, but my employees don’t have to worry about my wrath unless I’m purposely crossed. Then, my vengeance will be carried out, probably by you, but nobody’s challenged me yet except those aliens, and I wasn’t even here for that.” 

“Yeah, lucky you.” 

“Just a perk of being the Ultimate Ruler. Too bad my clone didn’t survive...He would have been cool to collaborate with.” 

“Why don’t you clone yourself again?” 

“Nah, wouldn’t be as genetically pure as the first one was. They degrade the more of them there are, that’s partially why Scotts are so stupid. Just the fact that he was stupid to begin with and then cloned so many times has really degraded them to, well, you know how they are.” 

“It’s funny, they clean the sewers and hoard the s**t in one giant pile. They collect it like it’s gold, except they eat it and use each other as toilets. The oldest Scott is always King, and I expected them all to look the same, but some of them were Shitbag’s kids, which is gross when you blow their head off, their whole body explodes too. They’re full of s**t instead of blood, so...yeah, f*****g nasty. Who knew you could get fat eating nothing but s**t?” 

“Dude, that’s f*****g nasty.” 

“At least you don’t have to deal with it, a*****e.” 

“My bad, but seriously, good job today dude. I’ll even throw in a bonus since you killed the King...again.” 

“So, how do you plan to get us to Boner City?” 

“Nogal can fly you there, he got his pilot’s license. He says he wants to fly ships as well as his mom did.” 

“Damn...” 

“I know, but hey, at least they’re all doing something positive. Oigres and Nyvar have been wanting me to restart the space program, they really wanna learn about alien species. I think that’s why Nogal got his pilot’s license. He probably doesn’t think the space program will run again, so this will be as close as he’ll get. You got good kids, B. Maybe I WILL reopen the space program for them, as long as they know what they’re doing.” 

“I’m sure they’d love that, it hasn’t been easy for any of us since their mother died.” 

“Ok, I’ll do it. Who knows, they could spin off into their own adventure.” 

“Thanks, man.” 

“No problem, B, they’re like family to me.” The next day, Ballester, Hallester, and Sallester meet Nogal in the back of the building where he’s waiting by a private jet. 

“You guys ready to go to Boner City?” Nogal asks, enthusiastically, and the three of them burst out laughing. “What’s so funny, guys?” 

“Boner in our language, in slang, is an erect penis, it’s a joke.” Ballester says. 

“Huh, I don’t remember that definition when I looked up the word, but understanding the joke now, I can see why it’s funny.” 

“Come on, let's get this over with.” They board the plane, and within an hour or two, land in Boner City. “Alright, looks like a lot of civilians here, so finding a Scott shouldn’t be too hard since they stand out in a crowd of normal people.” They each have a flyer of Scott, asking both humans and Galaxians alike if they’ve seen him, all of them denying. After going through the entire settlement (Boner City only has a few thousand people, cause the world is nowhere where it was when Serge accidentally almost killed everyone.) “Report.” 

“Negative.” The other two answer. They head back to the plane.  

“Alright, we’re going to sleep in the plane, and then tomorrow we’ll hit the sewers.” 

“Ugh.” The other two groan. The next day, they begin their search in the sewer, which is full of Scotts, but not the one they’re looking for. All of the Scotts were at stupidity level one, so talking to them is impossible, so they just got blown away instead. 

“This f*****g sucks. WHERE THE F**K ARE YOU, YOU F*****G F**K?” Scotts gather towards them, and after being questioned, get blown away. They continue on their way, and only come across the dumbest of the dumbest Scotts. “Let’s just f*****g go, I’m f*****g done.” 

“You sure?” Sallester asks. 

“Look, we’ve went through the entire system, we cleaned up down here, he’s not here.” 

“All right, fine.” They exit the sewers and head back to the plane. 

“How’d it go, guys?” Nogal asks. 

“You saw the map, you heard our headsets, how do you think it went?” Ballester asks. 

“So, I guess that means back home?” 

“Yup.” They board the plane and take off. As they head towards the lab, they see red lightning in the sky. 

“Um, guys. Your species has been here longer, is red lightning natural?” 

“NO!!” They yell at once. Soon, they see the lab, and the red lightning coming from it. Nogal lands the plane, and just in time, as two lightning bolts collide, ripping open a hole in the sky, on which, the other side, is an Asian looking version of Ballester looking back at him, before it closes, and shows yet another, different Ballester. 

“What the f**k is going on??” Ballester yells. 

“I don’t know, but I bet Serge has something to do with it.” Sallester says. 

“Yeah, I’ll take that bet.” They leave the plane, and head towards the lab. “What’s going on?” Ballester yells over the lightning strikes. 

“I DID IT!” I F*****G DID IT!” Serge is yelling and dancing around. 

“What? What did you do?” 

“I F*****G DID IT!” 

“DID WHAT?” 

“I DID IT!”