Chapter LXXVII: The Rift

Chapter LXXVII: The Rift 

“I DID IT!!! I F*****G DID IT!!!!” Serge rushes out of the lab, yelling and rushing to the tear. He sees the other alternate version of himself. “Hey, you.” 

“You son of a b***h, you figured it out!” 

“Yes, yes I did. 

“Give it to me, and you won’t die.” The other Serge points a gun at Serge. The dimension disappears and a new one appears. This time, he’s a female school teacher.  

“Odd, I’d never think of teaching, though I guess I teach you guys all the time, huh?” She turns around, and it disappears again. “This is crazy.” 

“I didn’t see us.” Ballester says. 

“It’s possible you don’t exist in that universe.” 

“Huh. A universe where I don’t exist. Boy, that would suck! I’d hate to be the one who’s never heard of me: Ballester Motherfucking Sallone.” 

“I’m sure there’s at least a good ten percent of realities where you don’t exist.” A new hole opens up, and Serge sees himself lying in an alley, covered with s**t, a bum, with a needle stuck in his arm. “I- I’m ashamed of myself, how could it get this bad? A guy who looks exactly like Ballester drops the drugs on the alternate Serge, and unzips his pants. Serge grabs the c**k, and- the dimension shuts again, and Serge throws up. Ballester can’t stop laughing. The rift opens again, and this time, Serge and Ballester are in military combat together in a sandy country. Serge’s leg gets blown off before the rift closes again. “What the f**k, man?” Another rift opens to see a version of him with glasses, stoned, typing on a keyboard looking back at him. 

“The f**k you looking at?” I ask him. 

“Same old s**t.” Serge says. 

“F**k you!” I tell him as I’m flipping the bird. 

“What the f**k? Am I really that much of an a*****e in every version?” 

“No, I’m a better person than all of my personas individually, but together make me who I am. You? You’re basically God junior in the way that I control you controlling your universe. Bye!” I say as I wave goodbye. Hmmm...God junior... that gives me an idea! Stay tuned, folks! 

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Commercial 3: 

Kids are sitting at the table while the mother is washing the dishes. The daughter speaks up: 

“Mommy, when’s daddy coming home?” The brother looks over, annoyed, and says: 

“He’s not coming back, he’s dead, you stupid idiot!” He runs away. 

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And now, back to the show! “What the f**k is happening?” Serge yells as the one who threatened to shoot him rolls by again, and he fires. It misses Serge, and Serge backs away a lot. The tear closes and reopens again, showing Asian Serge and Ballester. 

“Herro, I am Barrestal, this is master Ultimate Ruler Serge. I am humble melcinaly who keerrrs many peoper!” Barrestel says. 

“What the...f**k...?” Serge and Ballester look at each other, then back to the rift, which closes and reopens again to the Serge giving head for drugs. “Aww, this is still going on? Gross! I could never, I prefer beaver!” 

“Eww, could you imagine stinky, homeless beaver?” Ballester asks. 

“Ugh, yeah, I could never do that either.” 

“Did you hear that? I’m hearing voices agai-” The rift closes back up, cutting off Homeless Serge, and reopening to Military Serge, who’s lying in a hospital bed. 

“I can’t see anything.” 

“He must be unconscious.” Ballester says. 

“At least I’m alive.” The rift opens back up, and he’s looking at me again. I play with my n****e and give him the finger before the rift closes again. “Why would my own God be an a*****e to me? Me, of all people!” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I was blessed to have His sight, yet he still treats me as if I were...you.” 

“Maybe He sees no difference between us as far as he’s concerned. To him, you’re just another character in this narrative.” 

“NO! I’m more f*****g important! I don’t even know why the story is focused on you! What the f**k makes you so special?” 

“Have you seen the way he treats me? I’m not special.” 

“Next time he cycles around, I’m going to ask him.” 

“Ok, but remember, there’s not a lot of time in between rifts.” 

“Then I’m going out there.” 

“There’s no way you’ll be able to enter his dimension!” 

“I’m the Ultimate Ruler, I can do what I want.” 

“Listen to me, you’re only Ultimate Ruler in this universe and a couple of other ones, but we clearly saw you’re not Ultimate Ruler in others, what are you really planning on doing to Scorpious, huh?” 

“I plan to punch him in his stupid face. There he is!” Serge charges towards me, but luckily for me, he’s overweight and Serge couldn’t run fast enough before the rift closed back up again. Serge is breathing heavily, pouring sweat. He sits down on the ground to rest, panting. “One...more...try... should *gulps* do it.” He exhales loudly, and goes back to a normal breathing pattern. My turn is coming up soon, guess I’ll have to confront Serge soon, but not unless I cut to- 

Commercial 4: 

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Commercial 5:  

Announcer: “In a world where there is no law, there is one man who IS it...and he shows No Mercy!” 

“Let’s f**k s**t up!” Ballester says. 

Announcer: Based on the best selling tv show based on the best selling book based on the worst selling comic comes... Ballester Sallone the Movie: The End Of The World. Starring all of the actors who play the same characters in the tv show! Except it’s a reboot, because everything has to have a f*****g reboot every ten or twenty years. In fact, this book is in a way a reboot of the comic. Using the elements, characters and humor from my comics, I breathed new life into Ballester. Rated R, starts Friday, November 19th. 

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And now, back to the show. Serge is talking with Asian anime/manga version of him in a doorway, keeping the rift in place, while the others still fade in and out. “Look man, I keep telling you, YOU’RE a ripoff of ME.” Serge is telling the Asian Serge. 

“You bring me sadness and dishonor. I was hoping to be arries.” 

“Piss off, there can only be one Ultimate Ruler, me!” 

“I charrenge you! My team versus your team! To the death!” 

“I- I don’t think we can die, we know Ballester and Barrestel can’t.” 

“Hmm, you speak truth.” 

“How about a good old fashioned tournament?” 

“Aah, a battre!” 

“I’m sure people would love to see that!” 

“Hm, yes...” He starts laughing maniacally and Serge shuts the door, which itself floats upward, and then on an angle. 

“F**k Scorpious.” Serge says. 

“Don’t say that, he could probably hear us, and he’s probably going to make our lives more miserable, so respectfully, shut up, boss.” Ballester says. 

“Why you son of a f**k!” 

“Look, I don’t know what you’re so worked up about.” 

“I finally get to confront Scorpious, and what does he do? Avoids me like the f*****g plague.” 

“Maybe you just can’t visit his dimension.” 

“How can I not?” 

“Because he would have let you.” 

“What if I don’t exist? What if we don’t exist?” 

“Come on, we exist. Anyone reading words in our voice makes us exist here, in this universe, isn’t that enough for you?” 

“No, I want to rule ALL of the universes.” 

“Ok, I thought you were crazy before, but now you’re just absolutely batshit insane.” 

“And why wouldn’t I be? I’ve gotten this far, why shouldn’t I?” 

“If you recall, one of the you’s wants to kill you for your alternate reality bending designs.” 

“I boarded that guy up, see?” Serge points up, and one of the rifts is boarded and chained, with a dragon on top, guarding it. “Can’t be too careful.” 

“Where’d you get the dragon?” 

“Fantasix sent me a bunch of different colored eggs, and a crazy amount of embryos. This one hatched about a year and a half ago.” 

“How’d you learn to train it?” 

“They left me a handbook containing everything to know about any of their species.” 

“Nice.” New rifts start forming, and in front of Ballester, is a dark green female Galaxian. They make eye contact before the rift closes. “I’m gonna keep an eye on this one.”