Chapter LXXXI: Canonization

Chapter LXXXI: Canonization 

“So, what do you think?” Ballester asks Xagrog. 

“Well, you’re spicier than I’m used to, but it feels like continuing where we left off.” Xagrog says. 

“Yeah, and you’re milder than what I’m used to.” 

“Do you think it’ll still work between us?” 

“We’re sure as hell going to try.” 

“So, are you ok with your son’s girlfriend?” 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” 

“Well, he was afraid to introduce her to you because you were still grieving your wife.” 

“I’m happy for him, and besides, I’ve got you now.” 

“Oh good, I’m glad you think so. I invited your son and his girlfriend for dinner.” 

“Oh neat. I’ve only seen her a few times-” 

“They say they have a surprise for us.” 

“Uh, what?” 

“What are you in the mood for?” 

“Whatever you make will be fine.” Xagrog makes her way to the kitchen and starts cooking. Within a half an hour, there’s a knock at the door, and Sallester and a very pregnant Xorda are at the door. 

“Surprise!” Sallester says, as Ballester faints. “Wow, he’s never, ever done that before.” Xagrog comes out from the kitchen and sees the couple. 

“Wow, Sallester, you, uh, you’re going to be a dad.” Xagrog says. 

“Uh huh!” He picks Ballester up, and sits him on the couch. He takes some meth and dumps a baggie into Ballester’s mouth, which wakes him up. Ballester coughs and sputters, takes a drink, and looks at the couple. 

“You’re- you’re going to be a dad?” 

“Yeah! Isn’t that great?” 

“I- yeah, but-” Ballester is speechless. 

“We’re also going to get married the traditional human way, since we’re already technically Galaxian married, she wanted to try out our way.” 

“Wow, I’m really f*****g old.” 

“Oh come on dad, you don’t look a day over 40.” 

“That’s cause that’s how old I was when the world ended. You sure you’re going to be able to take care of forty kids though?” 

“We were talking about that, we’re only going to keep whichever one hatches first. The rest will be adopted by blind Galaxians since they can’t have kids of their own.” 

“That’s very noble of you, but how do you know if they’re going to good homes? And what if they question why they don’t look the same?” Xagrog asks. 

“Serge already scanned all of the candidates, and they will be told the truth if they ask, we already covered the bases.” 

“Damn, son. You got this s**t all figured out faster than I ever did. I never meant to knock up your mother, but I’m glad I did.” Ballester says. They sit down and start eating dinner. “So, when’s the wedding?” 

“This weekend. I want you to be best man, and I want Uncle Hal, Oigres, Nogal, Chimmy, and Manboutu as my groomsmen. Xorda has chosen you, Xagrog, to be the maid of honor, and Arizona and Nyvar as bridesmaids. Since Scorpion is the Son of Scorpious, he will perform the ceremony, and Serge will be hosting.” 

“When are you due?” Ballester asks Xorda. 

“Hopefully before the wedding.” Xorda answers. 

“Just keep them away from Chimmy or he’ll eat them.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, we were only able to save four and he ate the rest.” 

“That’s horrible!” 

“What do you expect? He’s a dog.” 

“Still...” 

“Pass them in your tank in your room, that will be the safest place for them.” Xagrog says. 

“Thanks for the advice, mom in law.” Xagrog gasps and covers her mouth. She begins to tear up. They finish dinner, and leave the dining room and head to the living room while drones take care of the dishes. 

“I guess you two will need pre wedding parties, huh?” Ballester says. The women look confused. “It’s traditional, especially here in America to have a bachelor/ bachelorette party for the groom/bride to be, thrown by those closest to them. Fun times and shenanigans are had by all.” 

“How do we have a bachelorette party?” Xagrog asks. 

“It goes by your own preferences, I’m sure Brains can help you out with that. Come on, son, let’s party!” Ballester grabs large amounts of domestic and alien drugs, and they head out the door. He rounds up the rest of the groomsmen, and they have your typical comedy movie bachelor party: drugs, drinks, strippers, and rockin’ tunes. Sallester wakes up the next morning in his own vomit on the floor of the lobby of the lab. 

“Oh, Scorpious, I feel like f*****g s**t.” Sallester says. 

“Good, you’re awake, here’s a beer.” Ballester says, as he hands a 40 to Sallester, who immediately blows more chunks. Ballester laughs hysterically, and pounds his own. Sallester gets up, and waddles his way to his apartment. When he enters, he sees Xorda passing eggs in the tank. 

“Babe, is everything ok?” 

“Yeah, they’re bigger than usual Galaxian eggs, good thing our bodies are rubbery.” 

“How many do you have left to pass?”  

“I'm only halfway through.” 

“Jeez, alright. “ Sallester grabs her hand as she passes egg after egg. “Are you going to be all right for the wedding?” 

“Yeah. Go shower, you stink.” 

“Don’t you want me here to-“ 

“Just be quick about it, your smell is making me nauseous.” Sallester lets go, showers, and comes back to hold her hand again. After about another twenty minutes, she finally passes the last egg. She passes out from exhaustion. Looking at all the eggs, Sallester gets momentarily overwhelmed, then remembers he’s only keeping one. He leaves the apartment, where Ballester is lingering. He offers Sallester the 40, and Sallester downs it. 

“In two days, I’ll be married.” 

“Yeah, boyyyy!” Ballester says. “Wanna go hunting?” 

“Yeah, sure, why not?” They leave the lab, and out the gate, where Chimmy is also passed out in his booth, covered in puke. “What the hell did we do last night? I don’t even remember.” 

“Oh man, it was great, we got boozed and drugged up, fucked some alien strippers that Serge imported from other planets-” 
“Wait, we cheated on our girls?” 

“Well, technically, Galaxians are open relationship type species, so they didn’t care. They know, they just don’t care.” 
“Wow, that’s crazy.” 

“Fire bear, two o’clock.” They aim and shoot a fire breathing bear, which attracts metallic vultures who pick at it, ripping it to pieces and eating it. 

“Woah, when did we get those?” 

“I don’t know, Serge didn’t tell me s**t.” Ballester throws an EMP grenade, killing the vultures. A couple of days later, and It's time for the big day. “You nervous?” 

“Nah, we’re already bonded, we’re just doing this because she wanted to.” 

“Ah, gotcha. Women, they seem to be the same no matter what planet or dimension they’re from, huh?” He nudges Sallester. 

“I guess, she thought it was fascinating when I told her about marriage, and she was all for it.” 

“Gorgax wasn’t though, tough as nails and fucked me like I’ve never been before, not even your mother could-“ 

“Ok, TMI, dad.” 

“Aw, come on, you’re a man, stop being so repressed.”  

“Whatever. Oh s**t, here she comes.” Xorda is walking down the aisle with a bouquet of alien flowers, and her iridescent dress changes colors as she walks. 

“Wow, son, she looks amazing!” 

“Yeah, dad, she does.” Sallester says in awe. Xorda takes her place across from Sallester, and Scorpion begins the ceremony. 

“We are gathered here today, in this perfect weather, thanks to my Father Scorpious. Enjoy the time you have left, to love and cherish each other for the rest of your lives. %$#@%&$@$% in &%@@%&$#, so say the Galaxians, which roughly translates to ‘love deeply and eternally until our bond breaks by death'. We’re gathered here to bond Xorda and Sallester.” Scorpion says. If you’ve ever seen or been to a wedding, you know how the rest of this goes, they exchange vows, do the ring thing, and everyone cheers and throws rice or whatever. Ballester congratulates the couple, but disappears before the reception. Xagrog finds him in the apartment doing a few lines of different drugs. 

“Are you ok? You’re supposed to be giving a speech right now. “ Xagrog says. Ballester looks at her with tears in his eyes. 

“No offense, I love you, I really do, but watching my kid get married hit me harder than I thought, it really made me miss Gorgax. She stole my heart, and her death was hard on me.” 

“I understand completely, Retsellab’s death hurt me too. I know what you’re going through, but believe me, we’ll get through it together.” She gives him a hard hug and a kiss. “Are you ready to give your speech, mister best man?” 

“Yeah, but I don’t want anyone to know I was crying.” He runs into Serge’s lab, jumps in the Grinder, and after respawning, heads to the reception. “What can I say here? My first born son, human son, has gotten married to a gorgeous Galaxian, who obviously loves him.I sincerely hope your marriage goes a lot better than mine did. Good luck to both of you, I sincerely mean it.“ Everyone claps and they do the traditional reception stuff.  

“You humans have an odd, yet interesting ceremony for spiritual bondage.” Xagrog tells Ballester. 

“It sounds beautiful when you put it like that.” 

“Thank you, are you sure you’re ok?” 

“As long as I have you, I will be.” 

“I love you, Ballester.” 

“I love you too, Gorgax.” 

“What???” 

“I’m sorry, I meant Xagrog. Sorry, today is harder than I thought it was going to be.” 

“I’ll let it go, because honestly, when I look at you, I see him too.” 

“You’re so cool.” 

“ And don’t you forget it.” 

“…wanna….sneak back to our room for a little fun?” 

“Sure thing, handsome.“ They head back to their room and have some astral projection sex. Once they’re done, they rejoin the party. 

“Hey, where were you guys?” Sallester asks. 

“Uh-” Ballester starts. Xorda sniffs the air. 

“I know what you were doing.” Xorda says. “I can smell it on you.” 

“Alright, so we were f*****g, big deal!” 

“Isn’t it our night to do that?” Sallester asks. 

“Well, yeah, technically, but we need to bond as much as possible too, we’re still a new couple too.” 

“So, you guys are officially a couple?” Xagrog and Ballester look at each other, shrug, and nod. 

“Well, congratulations!” Xorda says. “This truly is a happy day for everyone!” They toast some champagne, and everyone parties their asses off the rest of the night. A Scott manages to sneak in at some point, but everyone takes turns beating him to death like a piñata.