Chapter LXXXIV: The Last Sallone Family Hunt

Chapter LXXXIV: The Last Sallone Family Hunt 

"All right, is everyone packed and ready to go?” Ballester asks. Everyone confirms, and they get into the armored truck and Ballester starts driving. “Are you excited, Nallester?” 

“Oh, I’m ready, grandpa! I’m gonna kill the most Scotts out of everyone!” Nallester says. 

“You might be getting a little ahead of yourself, little man.” Nogal tells him. 

“What do you mean, uncle Nogal?” 

“Because we’re all experts, this is your first time.” 

“So? I’m top of my class, I can hold my own.” 

“You’ve got a lot of spunk kid, I like that. You’re gonna need it on this mission.” Hallester says. 

“Why is aunt Nyvar coming? She doesn’t even like to hunt!” 

“I’m here in case anyone gets hurt. You’re all my family, I wanna make sure you’re all safe.” Nyvar says. 

“As usual, we’ll be paired off. Me and Xagrog, Xorda and Nallester, Sallester and Hallester, and Nogal and Oigres.” Ballester says, and everyone agrees. “Now, Serge told me we’re going to be dealing with monkey Scotts, which if you ask me, aren’t too different than regular Scotts, what with the s**t throwing and masturbating and stuff, but it’s whatever. He didn’t tell me what the boss battle was, only that it’ll show up once we’ve killed all the monkey Scotts.” 

“Boss battle?” Nallester asks nervously. 

“Yup, after we wipe out all the Scotts, a large Scott comes out of nowhere and starts attacking.” 

“How do we beat it?” 

“As a team, as a family. That’s the whole point of these annual hunts. It brings us closer as a family, and we get to kill some things.” 

“Ok, now I’m really nervous.” 

“Good, channel that energy into adrenaline and kill some Scott a*s! Trust me, by the time the boss comes, you’re going to be ready, I promise you. Just ask Oigres and Nogal.” Nallester looks at them, and they nod. 

“Ok, now I’m excited!” 

“That’s what I like to hear! Now, what’s your specialty? Mine is ballistic guns, Xagrog uses laser weapons, your dad likes missile launchers, your mom likes using her sword, your great uncle Hal is an expert with knives, and your uncle Nogal uses samurai swords. Your uncle Oigres loves explosives, so what’s your specialty?” 

“I-I don’t know. I’ve tried all different ways, but I like shooting the best.” 

“Ok, we’ve ruled out melee.” 

“I like guns for long range and bombs for short range, cause I can’t throw that far yet.” 

“Know what? That’s perfect for your age and size. I’m sure you’ll find what you love when you get older. Alright, we’re almost there. Grab your stuff, and we’re going to board this plane.” They get out of the truck, and board the plane. After an hour, they land on an island. “Here we are, Scott monkey island!” A wad of s**t hits Ballester in the side of the head. He doesn’t even look, just points his gun in the direction he felt the shit hit him, and he shoots, killing a Scott that was a few feet from him. Nallester looks amazed. 

“How did you do that?” 

“Experience, kid. Between my military training, and the twentyish years I’ve been doing this, I could go blind and still beat all of your scores.” 

“Then put your money where your mouth is, bro.” Hallester says as he brings Ballester’s headband over his eyes. 

“10,000 credits says I beat you, another 10,000 for anyone else who wants in the pool that I beat.” Everyone looks down and around, staying silent, except Xorda and Sallester. 

“We’ll take that bet, dad.” Sallester says. Ballester calls up Serge. 

“Hey Serge, my brother, my son, and his wife want to wager on whether or not I’ll beat them. 10,000 each. Ok, lemme ask. Are you sure you guys wanna do this?” He asks the others. Xorda shakes her head no, but Sallester and Hallester both Nod. “Ok, Xorda’s out, but the other two are still in. Yeah. Yeah, thanks, we’ll report when we’re done, we just got here. Uh huh. Yeah, I’m already up by one.” The others protest, saying it doesn't count. “Does it count? He says yes.” He tells the others. They groan. “All right, boss, we’re about to have our family bonding time, talk to you later.” He hangs up the phone. “All right, everyone pair up and let’s go.” 

“Why isn’t aunt Nyvar coming?” Nallester says. 

“She stays here in case any of us need help getting patched up. She’s tracking us all too, just in case we get lost, we can just radio her and she’ll tell us where to go.” They all split up and start moving. 

“Have fun murdering innocent animals!” Nyvar calls out. 

“Will do, honey!” Ballester calls back. “You excited hun? It’s your first family hunt too!” 

“Yeah, we uh, didn’t do this in my dimension.” Xagrog says. 

“It’s all right, just shoot at anything that looks like Scott.” He shoots randomly, hitting Scott monkeys hidden in trees. Xagrog manages to come across a couple and shoots them, disintegrating them. 

“It’s kind of like target practice, they don’t really move much, do they?” 

“Nah, they’re super stupid, they don’t see us as a threat, even when you kill one in front of another.” 

“So I guess we’re putting them out of their misery.” 

“That’s the way I like to look at it.” 

“Interesting.” She says as she zaps another couple, and Balester is shooting randomly, hitting on target every time. “Wow, you really are atuned to this, aren’t you?” 

“Oh yeah, I can’t wait for Nyvar to read back the results.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“We use special variations of our weapons during the family hunt. There’s sensors that feed back to Nyvar’s tracker that lets her know who’s doing the killing. It’s not usually a competition, but Hallester and Sallester wanted to make it one, so while our numbers will matter the most, everyone likes to know how many they’ve killed. I gotta say, every year, everyone does better than the year before. We don’t celebrate winners or losers cause I usually end up winning, so we celebrate as a family that nobody got killed. We get something special to eat from the commissary and some booze and drugs, and then me and Gorgax would sneak off and-” He stops dead in his tracks. “Sorry, this is the first family hunt with someone else in her place, I didn’t mean-” 

“It’s fine, remember, I’m Gorgax too, just a different version.” 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. Come on, I smell Scott.” Meanwhile, Sallester and Hallester are killing Scotts left and right. 

“Do you think we’ll beat him, uncle Hal?” Sallester asks. 

“I’m damn well gonna try, Sal. I don’t really have 10,000 to spare, it’ll wipe me out. I’m hoping that if I win, I can finally have enough to live off of.” 

“What do you spend it all on?” 

“Hookers, mostly. The really hot imported alien ones are hella expensive.” 

“Really? You haven’t found anyone in two decades?” 

“I wasn’t really trying. I thought I could get your mom, but...” 

“Yeah, I try to forget that part.” 

“I guess that’s weird for you, huh?” 

“You think?” 

“Sorry, kid.” 

“I may be a kid to you, but I’m forty years old.” 

“Yeah, that’s how it goes.” Hallester says as he hangs a monkey Scott with its own intestines. 

“Maybe you’d get more kills if you didn’t decorate with them afterwards.” 

“I know, but it’s just so much fun.” 

“Whatever, step back.” Sallester shoots a cluster of monkey Scotts. 

“Damn, that was a nice bunch, how many did you count in that?” 

“Nine.” He says, smugly. 

“S**t. I’d better scout ahead, I need to catch up.” Back to back, Oigres and Nogal are killing Scotts, as Oigres chucks explosives, Nogal slices up any Scotts nearby. 

“Brother?” Oigres says. 

“Yes, brother?” Nogal answers. 

“How is your military operation going?” 

“Fine. With all of the information we gathered in space, we should be ready in any event.” 

“Do you think we’ll ever get back out there?” 

“There’s been discussions.” 

“Well, just so you know that I’ve been looking through Galaxian records, and there are still several planets that they’ve never visited. I’d sure like to see what else is out there.” 

“I agree. That’s why I’m training a special force for space combat, but you didn’t hear that from me.” 

“That’s ok, you didn’t hear that I’m implementing 101 to be part of the ship, its adaptability to our technology is amazing. It will be the core computer, and we can interface with it better than the old one.” 

“But I see 101 roaming around all the time- behind you!” A Scott monkey above them gets stabbed by Nogal’s samaurai sword, and it falls on Oigres’ head. Oigres grabs it, throws it back at Nogal, and chucks a grenade behind Nogal at an oncoming one in Nogal’s direction. 

“It’s gathering data on everyone and everything in the building for its archives. It also gets updated on new births, deaths, whatever, it has to stay updated for when the day comes for it to be put in the ship.” 

“So it’s happening?” 

“It’s still in the air, but I’d rather be prepared.” 

“Gotcha.” Nogal decapitates a Scott monkey midair. Meanwhile, Xorda and Nallester are moving around cautiously, killing Scotts, but with hesitation. 

“Maybe your father should have joined you instead of me, this is my first time too.” Xorda says. 

“It’s ok mommy, you’re doing really good! The way you impaled two Scotts on the tip of your sword was awesome!” Nallester says. 

“You’re not doing too bad yourself. You did well during our last hunt, but I wasn’t sure you were ready for this. You’ve surprised me.” Nallester head shots two Scotts with one bullet. 

“Wow, mommy, did you see that? I’ve never done that before!” 

“That was awesome! I can’t wait for you to tell the family and Ultimate Ruler!” 

“I- I have to talk to Ultimate Ruler?” 

“Of course, we all have to give our reports!” 

“He scares me.” 

“He scares me too, but if you just do what you’re supposed to, there’s no reason to be, that’s what your dad and grandpa told me.” 

“Okay. Behind you!” With one swift body movement, Xorda slices a Scott in half. 

“Thanks, Nallester. Maybe I was wrong, maybe the family business IS what you should do...if you want to, that is.” 

“I think I do, I can see why the hunters in our family like to do this.” 

“Everyone to the rendezvous point, NOW!” Nyvar’s voice says over their comms. They all meet back, when trees behind them fall over, and a giant gorilla Scott roars, s***s in its hand, and throws it at them. Ballester takes his bazooka, and Hallester takes his grenade launcher, and they both fire at it. Xagrog shoots his eyes, blinding him, and Oigres crawls into its a*s and ties grenades together, and when he exits, he pulls the string, taking out nothing but pins. Nogal chops gorilla Scott’s package off, and then stabs him right through the taint. When the gorilla Scott falls over in pain, Nallester grabs all the explosives he has, and chucks them into gorilla Scott’s mouth, his head explodes. Everyone cheers. “And now, the results. Dad, you win again, with Oigres in second, followed by Nogal, Sallester and Xagrog tied. Nallester, then Xorda, and finally, Hallester.” Hallester looks so disappointed and angry. 

“Told you, stop making them into decorations, uncle Hal.” Sallestere says, as he shakes his head. Everyone loads back onto the plane, except with an extra passenger...