Chapter LXXXVI: Chimmy, the Hot Dog Duke

Chapter LXXXVI: Chimmy, the Hot Dog Duke 

One day, Chimmy is snoozing in his security booth as is normal cartoon security dog behavior, when a hot dog shaped ship lands behind the booth. An alien that is a literal walking, talking, hot dog with ketchup and mustard, knocks on Chimmy’s door. “Huh, what the? Are you another one of Serge’s experiments?” 

“No, I’m from the hot dog planet, and when you passed by our planet, we picked up your biosignature! There really are other hot dogs on other planets!” The hot dog says. 

“What?” The hot dog points at the ship. “Woah, look at the size of that jank!” 
“Would you like to come inside and check it out?” 

“Yo, that’d be dope!” So they go inside the spaceship, and everything is hot dogs everywhere. “What the f**k?” 

“What?” 

“Everything’s... hot dogs.” 

“Yes.” 

“Why?” 

“We don’t know, it just is.” 

“Okay then...” 

“It’s so great to find other hot dog beings out here.” 

“I didn’t know you guys existed.” 

“Neither did we until you passed alongside our galaxy, we had a telescope that caught you. Our telescope picked up your biosigns and we immediately went to work on our space program. It took us almost two decades, but here we are!” 

“I don’t know what to say.” 

“Actually, we have a request.” 

“Shoot.” 

“We would like for you to be ambassador between our worlds, and if you visit our planet, you will hold the title of Duke. We don’t have an official leader, and since your variant seems smarter than us, we wouldn’t mind if you led our people. We offer this crate of hot dog weapons as an offering.” 

“Hot dog weapons?” 

“Mustard acid gun, ketchup lava gun, bun bombs, hot dog bazooka, relish and onion ballistic guns, and chili plasma bombs, with and without cheese.” 

“Woah, cool!” 

“He likes it!” The hot dog guy says hushed but excitedly. 

“When do you want me to come to your planet?” 

“You can come now if you want!” 

“Alright, lemme let my boss know.” The door opens to Ballester eating a hot dog alien. “Uh...” 

“Oh, it’s ok, we reproduce asexually.” He rips off a hunk of bread and meat out of his side, throws it, and it forms into another hot dog guy. The wound reforms. 

“Oh, I can only sorta do that with my bread. I rip it off, and it grows back, but it doesn’t make a new me.” Chimmy and the hot dog guy go into Serge’s lab. “Yo, boss.” 

“I know, I’ve been watching. Go ahead, you haven’t taken a vacation yet, have fun with your little hot dog friends. Oh, and ask if one of them would like to be experimented on.” Serge says. 

“Bro, what’s your deal with that?” 

“Gotta learn what I can about everything and everyone I can.” 

“You’re crazy.” 

“It’s called insanity, try it some time.” 

“No thanks.” 

“I still want a report when you get back though.” 

“Sure thing, boss.” Chimmy gets on the ship, one hot dog guy sacrifices himself, and they go off to Hot Dog Planet. “So, what do you guys do all day?” 

“Similar to Earth. We have a society of people helping people do things for other people. We don’t use money, we just do. Hungry? Thirsty? It’s everywhere!” Need a favor done? Just ask anyone who knows about what you need done. We don’t have precipitation, and our temperature is so perfect, we could live a hundred years before we’re shriveled and dry! Although, only one hot dog in history has ever gotten that old, his name was Chimmy.” 

“Yo, that’s my name!” 

“Really?” 

“Then it’s true, you’re the one the prophecy spoke of.” 

“Haha, what?” 

“It was said that Chimmy would come back one day in a different form from another world!” 

“Bullshit!” 

“No, it’s true! I’ll show you the prophecy when we land!” 

“How long is it going to take?” 

“Oh, about a month.” 

“What?” 

“Round trip, not including your time spent on our planet.” 

“Can you contact my boss? Let him know I’m going to be gone longer than anticipated?” 

“Certainly.” The hot dog guy calls Serge and tells him about Chimmy having to stay longer. Serge tells him Plops is on it, and tells Chimmy to have fun. 

“Wow, that was easier than I thought.” 

“Perhaps he’s right, and you’ve earned it.” 

“Dude, I sleep and watch cameras all day, barely anything happens. It’s easy and it pays good, but it’s boring as s**t.” 

“How would you feel about leading an entire planet?” 

“Really? You’d give me your planet?” 

“The prophecy is true.” 

“Oh, right, that. Look, I’m just some guy who got turned into a hot dog dog.” 

“You weren’t always this way? Even better! You just passed the second part of the prophecy, the alien will be synthetic. Now if you could feed others without dying, that would cinch it!” 

“I can feed anyone my bread and it grows back.” 

“Wonderful! You truly are He who is Him.” The rest of the hot dogs hum and chant “Chimmy Chongo, Janky Bois.” Over and over. 

“What the f**k?” 

“You have much to teach us, Chimmy.” 

“Haha, what?” 

“Yes. You asked what we do all day. We consume and regrow.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“We’re a cannibalistic culture, we eat each other to stay alive, but before we die, we throw a chunk of ourselves on the floor to respawn a replacement. We’d like to break that cycle, and instead focus more on science and other new areas of study. We’re the first generation of hot dogs to actually do anything with our lives. Back when the original Chimmy was alive, he fed the entire planet every day up until he dried up and died. We’ve gotten so used to eating each other, we almost forgot about the prophecy. So a bunch of us scientists got together, and started exploring with a telescope, got better and better technology from ships passing through, and then, we picked you up. You were the first extra terrestrial life we’ve come across, and by that chance of luck, we may have fulfilled the prophecy!” 

“That’s a crazy f*****g story.” 

“And now my Duke, I shall take you to your quarters.” Chimmy follows the hot dog guy to his room, which looks different than all the others. “This room was built especially for you. Do you like it?” A mural of old Chimmy and current Chimmy back to back, giving their bread to the populace. Statues of both versions of Chimmy, and a huge hot dog shaped dog bed. 

“What if I’m not the prophecy guy?” 

“Oh don’t be ridiculous, of course you are!” 

“Oh, without a doubt, without a doubt. But what if you were wrong is what I’m asking.” 

“Ah, we would have just continue our search.” 

“So, if my name was say, Jimmy, I wouldn’t be the prophecy dude or whatever?” 

“That’s one of the old tongue translations!” 

“Oh. Good to know, I guess.” 

“So are there any girl hot dogs for me to f**k?” 

“Um...we are neither male nor female.” 

“F**k!” 

“You desire a queen?” 

“That’d be nice.” 

“If we can obtain the recipe to what created you, perhaps we can synthesize one for you, unless he wants to do it himself.” 

“I’ll get back to you on that.” Two weeks later, they land on Hot Dog Planet, and as soon as they land, Chimmy sees all the hot dogs just eating each other and regrowing new ones. “What in the f**k?” They all stop, look at him, and immediately bow, then kneel, and wait patiently for Chimmy to talk again. “Yo, whaddup, I’m Chimmy from the planet Earth, and I understand you think you know me. Well, you don’t know s**t! Come on, fight me, little b***h! Nah, I’m just playing. So, I guess I’m your new leader, huh, boy?” He peels off his bun, and throws it at the crowd, who immediately attack and eat it. They stop eating each other and start interacting with each other. 

“Wait, I got a question.” 

“If you guys can rip off and regrow, why don’t you just eat your own bread or each other’s bread or something?” 

“We’ve gotten used to the taste of meat. Only the bread from the one and only Chimmy is the cure.” 

“Guess I’m glad to help.” 

“Come, we must go to the temple.” 

“Temple?” They pass by rivers and streams of ketchup and mustard, trees made of relish, some of onion, and ponds of chili, and rocks and hills and dirt made of bread. “Wow, neat. Why don’t you eat this stuff?” 

“Oh we do, there’s nothing like a hot dog with all the fixings. I-I mean, well, you know what I mean.” 

“Yeah.” Chimmy steps in a pile of goo. “Cheese.” 

“Oh neat, you found a cheese deposit, don’t wanna fall in one of those, it’s difficult but not impossible to get out of.” They reach the temple, which is a giant hot dog bun. They push the doors open, and it’s like a combination manor/chapel. It’s dusty with bread flakes. “Follow me.” He gives Chimmy a tour of the palace inside the temple, and it’s made of fancy sauces for the paint, the fancy bun flavors for the walls, floor, and ceiling, and fancy meat where wood would be. Yuck, that was difficult to write. Where wood would. There, not as bad the second time, hope I didn’t cause you to glitch, I kind of glitched writing that, but that’s what it’s like for me. Anyway, the place is huge and fancy, and Chimmy loves it. “So, do you like it?” 

“Hell yeah, this place is pimping!” 

“Great! Give us time for repairs and cleanup, and then we will pick you up from Earth as you get your affairs in order. In the meantime, we will trade hot dogs with your planet for certain metals and alloys. As you’ve seen, in order for us to be scientific, not everything can be a hot dog.” 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“Also, we will work on your bride. Let’s see that list. ‘Big tits, big a*s, BBW.’ Ok, I’m going to talk to your leader, maybe I can help him create her. Yes, I will stay on the planet while you get your affairs in order, and for the creation of your wife.” 

“Sounds good, man.” 

“Great, if you want, you can check out the planet some more, or we can start heading back now.” 

“Think I’ll check it out some more.” They start walking around outside. 

“Ok, so your job is to teach us, to lead us, to feed us.” 

“Teach you what?” 

“Whatever you think we should learn.” 

“So, I could tell you anything and you’d believe me?” 

“Of course, you’re the Almighty Chimmy. Chimmy was always wise.” He points to a giant statue of the old Chimmy feeding the populace. “We have much to do before you get back, but we hope you will like what I have prepared for you.” 

“Looking forward to it.” They enter the ship.