Chapter LXXXVIII: The Multiverse Problem

Chapter LXXXVIII: The Multiverse Problem 

Ballester and Xagrog end up in Serge’s lab. “What’s going on?” Ballester asks. 

“Uh, well, you know how I uh, found out how to tear the fabric of reality?” Serge asks. 

“Yeah...” 

“Um, I may have ripped a little too much, and our reality is starting to collapse.” 

“What?”  

“Yeah.” Serge is farting gay butterflies. 

“OH S**T!” A log falls out of Ballester’s mouth. 

“Fu-u-u-c-c-c-k-k-k.” Serge says, getting stuck and glitching. Gorgax gives birth to bowling pins, as Ballester rolls his bowling ball and knocks them down. 

“They don’t call me BALLester for nothing.” He winks and smiles. The group laugh like they’re in some kind of cheesy sitcom. “Hey Brains, catch!” He throws a bowling ball at a robot with two brains and many eyes, but no arms. 

“HA. HA.” It flatly and monotone-ly laughs. Suddenly, Serge’s stomach bursts open, and a furry red animal with a large horn, purple teeth, and one eye shoots Brains, killing it. The group laughs again. Another robot, an android walks up to the camera and says, ‘What did I miss?’ The group laughs even harder. 

“Oh 101, you’re a riot!” Ballester says as the credits roll. It snaps back into our reality again. “What the f**k was that?” 

“I don’t know, it was some kind of weird sitcom, it sucked.” Serge says. 

“Wow, you really did break reality, huh?” 

“Yeah, yeah I did. It’s already starting to affect us on a global scale.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, look at the map of the Earth. See how all of the parts of the world that are irrelevant to the plot are now suddenly gone?” 

“Oh f**k, what does that mean?” 

“It means, that you, Ballester Sallone, have just. Won. $1,000,000!” Serge says in an announcer’s voice. 

“No f*****g way!“ Yes!” 

“Friend, you can’t swear on national television, we’re going to have to edit this out.” 

“Sorry. I mean, yes!” 

“Now, for the moment of truth. You can walk away with your cool million right now, OR you can go for-” The crowd chimes in: “Double! Or! Nothing!” 

“Oh boy, you know what, Serge? I think I’m going to go for it!” 

“Ok, remember: You answer correctly, and you leave here with two million dollars. Answer wrong, and you run out of here with nothing.” 

“Bring on the question.” 

“Who is, the most gracious, most exalted God whom we owe our lives to?” 

“I’m gonna say...Scorpious Alpha!” 

“YOU ARE CORRECT! YOU’RE LEAVING HERE WITH TWO MILLION DOLL-” It snaps back to regular reality again. 

“Woah, that was trippy.” 

“Ugh, I shudder the idea of become a corporate shill.” 

“I had two million dollars...” 

“Your credits are worth way more, trust me.” 

“Oh...right... duh! Oh and babe, you looked sexy in that game show lady dress.” 

“Aww, thanks hon!” Xagrog says as she kisses him. Ever so gently, they caress each other’s faces, but Ballester pulls away. 

“It’s not right, I still can’t stop thinking of my dead wife!” Ballester says, over dramatically as he puts one hand against his forehead and flops on the couch that’s suddenly there. Xagrog sits next to him. 

“But that’s just it, she’s never coming back, she’s dead!” she also says, overdramatically, clutching her pearls. 

“D****t! Don’t you think I know that?” I should be able to move on, yet I can’t seem to!” 

“Oh darling, you must! For the sake of OUR relationship! You remind me of my dead husband, but I’ve accepted that he’s gone, and I have you!” 

“Oh honey sweetie doodle dum, you’re correct. Kiss me!” It snaps back into regular reality again. 

“I don’t know how to fix this!” Serge says, frustrated. 

“We left the soap opera one, man. No need to act over dramatic anymore!” Ballester says. 

“I’m not acting! I’m f*****g pissed I broke reality and don’t know how to f*****g fix it!” 

“Ok dude, just chill out, you can just ask Scorpious.” Oh, s**t. I’m not home. 

“Hey, we need to talk.” Serge tells me. I’m not home, maybe if I’m quiet, he’ll- “I know you can hear me!” S**t. S**t. S**t. S**t. I’m not home, go away. He goes to the tear in my reality to talk to me, but luckily, I got rid of that one the first time it appeared. I don’t need that s**t. “Fine, f**k you too!” 

“Oh, s**t, if he won’t answer for you, does that mean he won’t answer for any of us?” 

“Yeah, that’s how that works.” 

“Well, we just can’t do nothing about this.” Everyone in the room is suddenly muscular for no apparent reason. 

“When you’re right, you’re right.” Serge lifts his head up and looks directly at You. The camera fades, and it’s the next day. “Are you sure you’re up for this Bonerland mission, Ballester?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Please, let me go with you!” Xagrog pleads. 

“Sorry babe, this is something I’ve got to do myself.” He gets in a car, and runs over a bunch of Scotts. Reality snaps back. 

“This is insanity!” Serge says, as he drops to his knees and starts crying like a little p***y b***h baby. Hahahahaha, I laugh at them, because they are just figments of my imagination. Fools! Mufufufufufu! *Thunder crackles and lightning strikes behind me* I rule all! Just watch as Ballester in a tutu, eats cotton candy out of a fat, gross, clown’s a*s. He farts in Ballester’s mouth, and the audience laughs. Xagrog grows a giant penis and starts smacking Ballester in the face with it. This circus is hilarious! Just see Ballester eat a pig’s fresh s**t off the ground! He’ll do anything for money! He once sucked off a homeless man for one penny! Is this the kind of mayor you want running Bonerland? Vote No on Ballester, and vote Yes for Scott! Scott! Only he can make a difference in Bonerland! It snaps back to reality again. They all puke from the gravitational forces of reality changing so rapidly. 

“I need to have a talk with Scorpious! I’ve just gotta! If I can’t, imagine what kind of hellish reality we could be stuck in. And that’s why you need be careful what decisions you make, kids! I’m your Uncle Serge telling you, that you’re special! Now it’s time for Ballester’s Safety Drills with Drill Safety Sargeant, Ballester!” 

“Hi kids, today we’re going to be talking about spills! Spills can be dangerous! You wouldn’t want someone to slip and fall on some liquid because you decided to be a f*beep*ing idiot. Ballester walks over to the child actor, pouring juice on the stage. “Hey!” The kid looks at him, horrified. “Don’t do that! Spills could lead to falls, and someone could really hurt themselves! If you see a spill, clean it immediately with a cloth or paper towel! Well, what are you doing, just staring at me, kid? Get to it!” The kid runs away. “Hey! Get back and clean this f*beep*ing sh*beep*t up! F*beep*ing little pr*beep*k. No, you said your kid wouldn’t get scared, that’s bulls*beep*t. Because that’s what the script says, after I yell at him, he grabs the towel over there and cleans the mess he made! Well, maybe I don’t like YOUR f*beep*ing attitude, lady. This is OUR f*beep*ing little show here, and if he doesn’t want to do it, we’ll just find some other f*beep*ing little s*beep*t to do it. Yeah, f*beep* you too, lady, I’m too old for your f*beep*ing bulls*beep*t. Aw, geez, is this f*beep*ing thing still on?” It zaps back to reality. 

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” Serge says. 

“Why did you have your hand in my a*s?” Xagrog asks Serge. 

“You- you were a pup- puppet on a kid- uh, kid’s show.” 

“Yeah, I agree, can this stop now?” 

“It’s not up to me, it’s up to Him.” He points up to me. Oh, me d****t. Hah, see what I did there? Ugh, I guess I’m going to have to talk to him. But why not one for the road?  

“The name’s Sallone, Ballester Sallone. My wife died, and my new partner and I have begun going out. She reminds me so much of my wife, it’s eerie. The captain’s really on my a*s about solving this Scott case. Some moron thought it’d be a good idea to be mayor of Boner City. Until now, it was ruled by some kind of council of old people or whatever. Anyway, they feel they’re too old to be doing anything, they just wanna relax. So, they turned to having a mayoral election, and guess who’s running? That’s right, Scott. So, I have to oppose him to make sure he doesn’t win. Unfortunately, he’s been promising some radical, quite impossible really, free money for everyone, free food for everything, everything’s free, and if you work for someone, you work for free. That’s his most controversial one, because while people would rather do what they like instead of doing what they have to, eventually nobody’s going to do the ones that need to be done, and then there will be rioting. I’m flying out to Boner City tomorrow to deal with it. My wife wants to come with me, but I’m not sure I can handle losing her again. She’s like Gorgax if Gorgax had a mild setting. I’m not sure I can continue this relationship, it feels wrong and right at the same time, it’s pretty fucked up. When I look at those big black eyes, and see her pupils looking like stars in a galaxy. They’re exactly like hers, and d****t if I don’t fall right back in love with her again. I’m not sure about the fake tits, either. They feel real, it’s just...Gorgax was natural, this one is, well, plastic. I wonder if she’d be willing to undo the surgery. Maybe I’ll see my darling wife in her again. I put my key in the lock, and she springs at me with a hug. 

“Hey babe, how was your day?” Xograg asks. 

“Every day you ask me that, and every day I tell you, it’s classified information.” 

“Well, if you can’t trust your own wife, who can you trust?” She says as she kisses him. 

“I have to go back to Boner City.” 

“Let me come with you.” 

“I’d like to honey, but I don’t-” 

“-don’t want anything bad to happen to me, I get it! But Ballester, I’m a warrior too, I’ve been practicing.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, ever since the Scott Hunt.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t mind some company.” 

“I bet.” She smiles as she kisses him. “Dinner’s done!” 

“Awesome!” Snap back to reality, and they’re still doing the same thing. Way to go, Ballester, you totally ruined my flow! I make his head explode. F*****g f****r. Let me see if I can f**k with someone else’s reality... Hmmm... Well, you know what? Serge has been dying to talk to me, might as well f**k with him too. 

“Hey, penis breath!” I yell down to Serge. 

“The f**k? Finally you answer me!” Serge says. 

“Yeah, I’ve been busy.” 

“I’ve noticed.” 

“What do you want to know?” 

“How do I fix this?” I lift a ripped piece of fabric of reality and accidentally squashed a tiny, Jewish man. I think I squished someone from Bible times. Oops. Anyway... 

“You don’t.” 

“The f**k you mean?” 

“You did this to yourself.” 

“Because you let me!” 

“And I bet you’ve learned your lesson, haven’t you?” 

“Uh...” 

“Yeah, you’re fucked, evil genius.”