Chapter LXXXIX: Safe...For Now

Chapter LXXXIX: Safe...For Now 

“NO! Why would you f**k ME? I’m a part of you!” 

“Yeah, about that... out of everyone I hate, I hate myself the most.” 

“What?” 

“Ask Sydd, Sandra, and Samson.” 

“Who?” 

“Your alternates. You saw them in the tears.” 

“But I would never suck dick for drugs!” 

“Maybe not, but addiction changes you.” 

“A teacher? Really?” 

“Considering you almost became one...yeah.” 

“Ok, but war?” 

“Ah, that was a symbolic war within yourself, and you lost that one, man. Got sent home, and your life crumbled. Just when things looked their brightest, bam! I shut s**t down.” 

“So what about me?” 

“You? You’re on borrowed time.” 

“Is there really no way out?” 

“That’s up to me. If you end up popular enough, I have the power of resurrection. It’s in your Book of Scorpious, don’t any of you read it?” 

“What? That book doesn’t exist.” 

“Yeah, you’re right, it doesn’t, and it probably won’t.” 

“Uh yeah, so how am I supposed to know what to expect?” 

“Because that’s just the way things go.” 

“You’re not making any sense.” 

“If you’ve gotten this far and DID think I was trying to make sense, you CLEARLY forgot the Introduction.” 

“What was up with Oswald? He was a clone of me but then I cloned myself again? I’d be the last person to clone myself twice.” 

“One is before the accident, the other is after the accident, two different versions of DNA.” 

“Gotcha.” 

“Oswald is also you.” 

“What?” 

“As a detective.” 

“So what version am I? Mad scientist?” 

“Hell yeah! And since I’m in charge, I made you Ultimate Ruler! And you’re pissed at me?” 

“My world is breaking apart.” 

“Yeah, good one, Einstein.” 

“F**k you.” 

“I love you too.” 

“No you don’t.” 

“In my own fucked up way, I do.” 

“So what now?” 

“Now we continue the story.” 

“Am I supposed to know how this ends?” 

“It’s an absolute mystery to me too. Remember, this is all stream of consciousness. I’m writing as I think, Now, I gotta go, I’m sure people aren’t interested in a one sided conversation.” 

“Whatever, man.” 

“Who are you talking to?” Ballester asks. 

“God.” 

“Speaking of God, why don’t we talk to His son? Maybe he knows something!” 

“That’s not a bad idea.” Serge and Ballester head to Scorpion’s apartment, Serge knocks, and Scorpion answers the door. 

“Can I help you guys?” Scorpion asks. 

“We need to talk.” Serge says. 

“Come on in.” They walk in, and see Arizona on the couch. 

“Are we interrupting something?” 

“Nah, we were just talking. We’re also going out.” 

“Oh, congratulations. Anyway, as I’m sure you’ve seen, reality is falling apart.” 

“Yes, quite the damage you’ve done.” 

“Shut up. Anyway, I just got done talking with your dad, and he laid some heavy truth on me.” 

“He told you everything.” 

“Yeah.” 

“The only thing I can say is, enjoy the ride.” 

“That’s it?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Great, you’re just about as much help as he is.” 

“Sorry.” He shrugs. 

“So, why did he bring you down here in the first place?” 

“I don’t know, I’ve been wondering that myself.” 

“You mean you don’t even know?” 

“No, but perhaps I’ll figure it out.” 

“Great, this chapter is making less and less sense by the minute.” 

“Welcome to MY world.” I say out loud. Hahahaha. 

“What do you need us to do, dad?” Scorpion asks me. 

“I um, I gotta go get a pack of smokes.” 

“Great.” 

“See? He’s a dick!” Serge says. 

“He’s just stalling for time.” 

“You think?” 

“Uh, yeah, pretty sure.” 

“What an a*****e!” 

“I’ve been saying that this entire time!” Ballester says, looking at them. They all laugh, cause it’s true. And freeze frame! Roll credits. What do you mean there’s still some time left, just roll a commerc- 

Commercial 1: 

Father: Sit down, Timmy, we need to talk to you. 

Mother: It’s about your Great Aunt Gladys. 

Timmy: What happened to Aunt Gladys? 

Father: Remember when your cat got feline AIDS and we had to put it to sleep? 

Timmy: ...yeah... 

Mother: Well, Aunt Gladys is really sick now, and she chose euthenasia. And guess who gets to do the injection? 

Timmy: (Gasps) Me? 

Father: That’s right son, she chose YOU to stick that drug in her vein! 

Timmy: Yay! I get to kill the b***h! I get to kill her dead! (he starts humming) 

Narrator: Sick of life? Wanna end it all? Well, thanks to new laws, you can now have your doctor or close family member/friend do it for you! Once lifetime Kilyuded is all you need to escape this hell we call existence. Ask your doctor if Kilyuded is right for you! Side effects may include psoriasis of the eyes, enlarged eyeballs, eyeballs popping out of their sockets, dementia, and living for another 130 years as some people have a natural immunity to Kilyuded. Kilyuded, set yourself free! 

Commercial 2:  

A family is sitting at a table for breakfast. 

Father: Looks like local baseball team lost again! 

Son: Can I have something else for breakfast? I don’t wanna eat this s**t!  

Father picks up the bowl of cereal and throws it against the wall, smashing it. Father: S**t? Do you know how many farmers died to make that cereal? Get the f**k out of here, you f*****g idiot!  

Son is about to fight when Mother chimes in: Now boys, don’t you squabble, I’ve got a breakfast cereal you BOTH can enjoy! 

Both: Nuts & Bolts cereal? 

Mother: That’s right, it has essential nutrients, and is especially high in iron! (The breakfast is literally random nuts, like, food nuts along with bolts, like steel bolts.) 

Both: Yummy! 

Announcer: Nuts & Bolts cereal! Kids love to eat things they aren’t supposed to, and adults love the nuts! 

Mother: Hey! Save some nuts for me! 

*Do not consume if you are allergic to nuts. Also, don’t eat bolts, they’re not good for you. 

Commercial 3: 

Tomorrow! The greatest crossover to ever happen! Ballester and his team will be fighting Barrestel and HIS team! Don’t miss out on this spectacular fight! One character might not even make it out alive... Tune in tomorrow at 12/11c! 

Commercial 4: 

Tonight, on Newsy News at 11: Is your child dick farting? Find out how this trend got started! A random burglary leaves 69 people dead. Plus: Are you missing out on the right shampoo? Blowz Chunx has that report. All these and more, tonight! 

“-tells me, I’ve got this great idea, we’ll do a hundred episodes, I’m like, fine.” Serge says. 

“And?” Ballester asks. 

“And now I’m getting pressure to put out more Ballester episodes.” 

“I thought we were capping it a hundred?” 

“I can try to talk to the studio, but I don’t know what good it’ll do. Trust me, I don’t like acting in this crap any more than you do. And our fans, ugh! Bunch of sweaty fat nerds dressed up like us, I swear I went through five bottles of hand sanitizer by the end of the day, my hands were starting to crack.” 

“Some of the chicks ain’t half bad looking.” 

“Yeah, I’ve taken a few back to my hotel room and- uh, Ballester?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Is that recording us live right now?” 

“Oh motherf-” 

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES PLEASE STAND BY 

Announcer: NEXT WEEK, ON BALLESTER SALLONE: 

“So, you have come to battle me?” Barrestel asks as he squints his eyes at Ballester. 

“No, WE’VE come to battle you! Ballester’s team is formed in a line next to him. 

“Well, good thing I am prepared as well, too!” Barrestel’s team, identical to Ballester’s team lines up next to him. 

“AAAAAAHHHHHHH!” Ballester charges energy* 

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” Barrestel also charges energy*  

*Screen turns black.* 

“Oh no, give him some room to breathe!” Ballester says as he holds a mysterious blurred body in his arms. “No, don’t die on me, don’t die!” 

ANNOUNCER: Next time, on Barrestel Enjoyment Comic Show Series 4! 

“-said ‘well, your fan base is mostly young teenagers and young adults, and I’m like, it was meant to be watched by people in their 30’s and 40’s.” Serge says. 

“So what happened?” Ballester asks. 

“I said f**k them, if they’re offended go watch something else!” 

Nice!” 

“Then they said if I’m not up to the job, they’ll get someone else to play me. Who the f**k can play me? Nobody!” 

“Seriously, once we do the movie, I’m out of here.” 

“What movie?” 

“Ballester Sallone in: The End of the World.” 

“I didn’t get anything about that, not a call, email, nothing.” 

“Oh s**t, maybe they DID get someone else to play you.” 

“Oh, I’m going to be so f*****g pissed if that- WHY IS THIS CAMERA ON???” Serge shoots the camera until it’s-