Chapter XCI: The Funeral

Chapter XCI: The Funeral 

“Are you ready, Ballester?” Serge asks. 

“Let’s just get this over with.” Ballester answers. Ballester, Serge, Sallester, and Oigres carry the coffin to the hole, where Scorpion is waiting. 

“We are gathered here in remembrance of Hal ‘Hallester’ Arnold Burns Sallone. I understand his younger brother has some words to say on his behalf.” Scorpion says. 

“You know, it’s funny, while my parents drank and did drugs and died, Hal was the only one who stuck by me. We even ran away from foster care together and joined up in the military. He had my back when the other cadets made fun of me because of my size, he had my back in combat, and I left him. I left him in Iraq to die. I’m a s****y brother, and that’s why when he came here looking for me, I let him. These past twenty years with him really made me feel like we finally grew close. F**k you, Scorpious, f**k you! You could have prevented this! You have the power! Scorpion, bring him back to life, please!” 

“I’m sorry, even my powers are limited by my Father.” 

“No! That’s bullshit! He can make this story come out any way he wants to! First my son, then my wives, now my f*****g brother! Your Father HATES me!” 

“No, he doesn’t he loves you.” 

“He has a real f*****g funny way of showing it!” 

“We can’t truly understand his reasons, for we are but his creations.” 

“Yeah, that’s the kind of bullshit religious response I’d expect from you.” 

“I apologize.” 

“For what? You didn’t kill him, your dad did.” 

“Well, technically Harrestel-” 

“And who wrote that Harrestel would kill my brother? How long have you been planning this?” He asks me. I’m not going to answer, why the f**k do I need to validate my decision? It’s my world, they just have a role to play, and that’s it. 

“May I continue?"  

“Sure, whatever.” 

“While he may not have been present for every adventure, we always knew he was somewhere in the background playing his part. Whether doing Ballester’s job while Ballester was in space, or paying for hookers, or even during the annual family hunt, Hallester was not unimportant, rather ancillary if you ask me. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, on this corpse a nut I bust.” 

“Wait, what?” 

“Yeah, my dad thought it might be funny if I jacked acid all over the coffin as he’s being lowered into the ground.” 

“You son of an a*****e, you’d better not!” I give Scorpion a thumbs up. Scorpion begins to unbutton his pants, when Ballester punches him in the face. He knocks him down and keeps repeatedly punching him. Scorpion grabs Ballester by the neck with one of his claws, lifts him up, and decapitates him, punting his head like a football. He finishes opening his pants, drops them, and starts jerking off until he cums acid, drenching the coffin, turning the hole into a shallow pool. Everyone starts throwing dirt on the coffin until the hole is covered. The grave glows green from the acid. 

“Hey, where’s dad?” Sallester asks Oigres. 

“I don’t know, he’s usually back by now.” Oigres responds. They start wandering the graveyard until they come across Ballester at the Sallone Family tomb. “Dad?” 

“Oh, what’s up, Oigres?” Ballester says, depressed. 

“It’s going to be difficult to move uncle Hal over here, now that he’s covered in alien demigod jizz acid.” 

“I’m sure Scorpious will do it, it was his stupid idea.” He’s right, I’ll do it eventually. But how funny was that? I mean come on, that’s something you can’t do in real life, it’s hilarious! 

“Come to see mom? Moms?”  

“Yeah, too bad we haven’t found your brother’s body to put in here with them.” 

“We’ve done I don’t know how many thorough searches, he’s just... gone. Maybe he got stuck in another reality, maybe he’s not dead!” 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll believe you for now, I’m in no mood to argue.” 

“Do you want me to get reverse mom?” 

“Could you? I could really use her tits to lie on right now.” 

“Alright, come on, Sallester, let’s go look for Xagrog.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Will you be here when we get back?” 

“I’m not planning on going anywhere.” Oigres and Sallester find Xagrog and bring her back to Ballester. 

“There you are! I was worried when you didn’t show up at the grave.” Xagrog says. 

“C’mere, babe.” She sits next to him, and he puts his head on her chest. “Why? Why is Scorpious such a b*****d?” 

“I wondered that same thing after you died. You know, today was actually the first time I’ve ever heard you open up about your brother.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, all that you told me was that he died in Iraq after you left and how you regretted it every day since.” 

“Pssh, guess I’m a s****y brother in every universe, huh?” 

“Maybe, but you’re a great husband and father in both too.” 

“Really?” 

“Retsellas was devastated when you died. Yllom never looked happier. She told him there was no point in visiting me, and I never saw them again.” 

“Why would you care? He wasn’t your son.” 

“I grew to love that boy, he even called me ‘mom’, though not in front of Yllom of course.” 

“Boy? When the f**k did we meet?” 

“You uh, found my crashed ship near your house. Your son was a teenager at the time, and in the five years we were together, we felt like a real family, especially when he’d come to visit. He’d even randomly visit after he became of age, up until you died. The funeral was the last time I saw him, he left with his mother and that was that.” 

“So, you’ve been without me longer than I’ve been without you.” 

“Yeah, but I never stopped loving you. When Egres announced to the world that he’d discovered how to travel between realities, I knew it was my chance to see you again. I made it to the lab as fast as I could, and after some persuasion, I convinced Egres to locate you. It took a few dimensions, but when I saw you on the other side of that rift, I knew it right away.” 

“Thanks for being here for me. I still hate Scorpious though, he’s killing everyone close to me.” 

“He won’t kill me.” 

“Don’t jinx it, babe.” 

“He brought me to you for a reason, didn’t he?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“So, what is this place?” 

“Family tomb.” 

“You have a family tomb?” 

“Yeah, Serge built it when Gorgax and Molly died. It’s huge, and it’s deep enough for quite a few generations of Sallones.” He stares off into space for a second. “S**t, that reminds me that I’m the only one who won’t inhabit it, I’m going to bury everyone. My kids, my grandkids, you, everyone. That’s the downside to being immortal, you outlive everyone you love. F**k.” He buries his face back into Xagrog’s chest and starts crying. “What the f**k? When did I become such a f*****g p***y?” 

“You’ve never been afraid to show your emotions to me before.” 

“Yeah, but I- wait, you’re right! I shared everything with Gorgax. That’s Scorpious’ doing. I went from a hard, ‘no mercy’ motherfucking killing machine to someone with...feelings.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with that, it shows growth.” 

“My appeal was that I killed things, not that I’m some soft emotional wuss.” 

“But you’re both. How many Scotts have you killed in these twenty years?” 

“I lost track, honestly.” 

“See? And does it bother you to kill them?” 

“No, it’s fun!” 

“See? You’re still a killing machine, you just have another side that only I see.” 

“Yeah, you and whoever is seeing us right now.” He points at You. 

“We’re being watched?” 

“In this universe? Yes.” 

“Wait, so every time we have sex-?” 

“Yeah.” 

“This conversation?” 

“Yeah.” 

“So we don’t have any privacy?” 

“We never do, Serge has the whole property, the building, every room, every room in every apartment wired. He can see and hear everything we do. He has the sight of Scorpious.” 

“Eew, I feel so exposed now.” 

“You’ll get used to it.” She looks around, as if looking for eyes looking back at her, but doesn’t see anything. I decide to transfer Hallester to the family tomb. The tomb rumbles. Ballester and Xagrog enter and head down the stairs, where Hallester joins Ballester’s wives. Ballester stares at his brother. 

“In the short time I knew him, he seemed like a good guy.” 

“He was all right, he by no means was perfect.” 

“Are any of us?” 

“I guess not. I already miss you, bro.” Ballester says to the coffin. 

“Is he in there?” 

“We cut off the part of Plops that Serge believes was Hallester, and put it in here. You don’t wanna see it, it’s a gross blob of flesh, blood and bone.” 

“Yeah, I’ve met Plops. He stinks so bad, but he’s so cheery, I feel bad if I don’t interact with him when I see him.” 

“I try not to go near him, all the Ballester voices overwhelm me.” 

“Are you going to be ok?” 

“Yeah, probably. I got over Gorgax, didn’t I?” 

“Yeah, but you were in darkness until I showed up.” 

“It’s different, Gorgax was the love of my life. This is my brother, I-” 

“-loved him in a different way.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Are you ready to go home yet?” 

“You go ahead, I’ll be ok. I just wanna spend a little more time with my brother, maybe talk to his blob.” 

“Ok, see you soon, sweetie.” They kiss. She goes up the stairs, and heads out of the tomb. 

“I don’t know if you can hear me, but I’m proud of you. You looked after me, kept me safe, and still forgave me for leaving you. These past twenty years made me feel like we were kids again, we had so much fun killing things, making bets, I guess you don’t have to owe me anything, hah. You accepted my other kids as much as you did with Sallester. I’m sorry I was a s****y brother, but I hope I made up for it. Rest in peace, bro. I’ll come by periodically to visit, I promise.” He gets up, and leaves the tomb. He walks his way back to the lab. “Hey boss.” 

“What’s up?” Serge asks. 

“Thanks for... you know, everything.” 

“I’m sorry about your brother, I really am.” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Go hang out with your wife, your kids, your friends, whatever. Take the rest of the month off if you need to.” 

“Thanks, boss.” 

“You’re welcome, son.” 

“What?” 

“That was from Scorpious.”