Chapter XCVII: Serge vs. Ballester

Chapter XCVII: Serge vs Ballester 

“Wow, rude!” Ballester tells me. 

“What?” I ask. 

“Serge was about to tell me something, and you just f*****g cut me off.” 

“F**k you!” I tell him. He angrily storms into the lab and stop’s by Serge’s section.  

“What is it you needed to tell me, boss?” 

“You and Xagrog have thirty days to vacate the premises, I’m shutting down the lab.” Serge says. 

“What??” He holds his gun up to Serge’s face. “I have an entire life built here! What the f**k, man? There’s more to this place than just your lab, it’s basically a town.” 

“Yeah, and I’m shutting it down, need to find a nice place to just retire, kick back and relax, maybe hook up with some hot alien chicks, who knows?” 

“Why can’t I just run this place? I already know how.” 

“Because I don’t trust you.” 

“How? I’ve been working for you for twenty f*****g years!” 

“Yeah, and you’re out of control. Knowing you, you’ll go mad with power and I’m going to have to put you down myself.” 

“You can’t kill me, I’m unkillable.” 

“You forget, I’m part Scorpious.” 

“Oh, there you go pulling that religious bullshit again!” 

“You know for a fact it’s not bullshit. You’ve seen Scorpious yourself.” 

“So, what, you’re telling me you can see the future because you know what he’s thinking?” 

“No, I’m only saying what he wants me to say. Licking dirty buttholes is yummy! What the f**k?” 

“Hah! How’s it feel, a*****e?” 

“What the f**k?” 

“That has been my entire life for twenty years. If I go crazy with power, it could be nice, you never know. Look at you, you’re a mad scientist, but you’re not ‘evil’ per se. Sure, you create abominations, but you do it not to be evil, but in the interest of science.” 

“Are you telling me this whole time, that even though I’m a dictator who controls everyone on Earth’s fate, I’m not a bad guy?” 

“More like a mild guy.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Wasn’t the genocide and murder in the beginning of the book not proof?” 

“Yeah, but then you had the Earth become better.” 

“Yeah, for me to live in!” 

“Yeah, but you helped out humanity as a whole.” 

“That was Gorgon and Nogal’s project, not mine.” 

“Yeah, but you allowed it to happen.” 

“Yeah, so things could be better.” 

“And it benefitted all of humanity and Galaxian alike.” 

“So?” 

“That’s not really being a bad guy.” 

“But I did it for ME.” 

“If that was true, you’d only have the lab affected, not the whole world.” 

“S**t!” 

“Yeah, you suck as a bad guy.” Serge takes a pistol and shoots Ballester multiple times in the head. After Ballester gets up, he spits them out. “Come on, you knew that wouldn’t work!” 

“I know, I was letting out frustration.” 

“So, what was your plan?” 

“Well, Plops is slowly covering the building, once he completely covers it, it’ll be sealed shut until and if, I ever come back. Everyone’s been given the notice. Look, there’s plenty of Earth out there, find a place, settle down. That’s what I’m doing.” 

“And what about all my credits? I’m loaded!” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll have that converted to Universal Currency, you’ll still make out like a bandit, you’ve earned it, after all.” 

“Better f*****g have.” 

“Don’t worry, you’ve always been my favorite, and my first.” 

“First what?” 

“Creation. Think about it, as soon as that shockwave hit you, you became immortal. Then, Scotts started pouring out. You came first, it’s not that hard to see why I’ve kept you around so long.” 

“Why did you allow my family to die?” 

“That was out of my hands. I’ve explored all possibilities, and it seems that Scorpious wanted to stir things up in your life.” 

“But it's so fucked up.” 

“Yeah, well, that’s what it means to be His creation, our lives aren’t ours to dictate.” 

“Sounds like another religion I’ve heard of.” 

“Which one?” 

“Does it matter?” 

“I guess not.” 

“So, we’re really done here?” 

“Yeah, I fucked up this world, hopefully I can find some place away from all of this.” Oh, really? Well, I guess he forgot who I am and what I can do. I decide to put them in a candy filled unicorn wholesome cartoon. “What the fuuuuu- fuuu- fuuuuuuuuDDDDGE!” 

“What, you can’t say fudge? Hey, I can’t say fudge either!” 

“Did someone say fudge?” A chocolate bunny says, as it hops towards them. It s***s out chocolate, and offers it to them. They happily oblige. 

“What’s your name? My name is Ballester, and this is my friend, Serge!” 

“I’m Foofy! Welcome to Candy Cuddly Town! Watch out for the evil Mister Goggles! He likes to eat us!” 

“So?” 

“He’s made of candy too!” 

“So, he’s a cabbibbil? Canninanal? He eats his own kind?” 

“Yeah!” 

“Can we eat you?” 

“Why? When everything else is edible?” Everything is made out of candy, cakes, juices, all the bad things for your teeth and diabetes, just flowing everywhere. In fact, it’s so sweet, only toddlers would enjoy a sweet, wholesome show with these kinds of characters. As Ballester and Serge are about to find out, not only can they not say ‘f**k’ or any other swears, but the most violence this show has is the ‘villain’ stubbing his toe. “Oh no, here he comes!” 

“Tweet, tweet, I’m looking for someone sweet to eat!” A human sized, sour gummy man rounds a corner, and starts chasing Floofy. 

“Oh no! What do we do?” Serge asks Ballester. 

“I know!” Ballester sets up a net trap that tangles Mr. Goggles. 

“Curses! Foiled again!” Mr. Goggles says. 

“Thank you!” Floofy says, as he s***s out more chocolate. Serge and Ballester happily grab them and start eating them. 

“What do we do with this joker?” Ballester asks. 

“We set him free and send him home!” Floofy says, as he releases Mr. Goggles, who hangs his head as he sadly walks home. 

“What a no goodnik!” 

“There he goes. Nobody likes him because he’s so sour, so he thought eating us would make him sweeter. It doesn’t work like that. You’re either born sweet, or you’re not.” 

“What about peanuts? And almonds? They’re not sweet or sour!” Serge says. 

“We’re friends with the Nut clan, but we stay away from Sourville.” 

“Why doesn’t Mr. Goggles live in Sourville then?” 

“Because they say he’s so sour they kicked him out!” 

“Wow! This guy must be the real deal!” 

“He is!” 

“Too bad there isn’t a way to defeat him!” 

“Actually, I have an idea!” Ballester says. 

“What’s that, ol’ pal?” 

“Because we’re not made of candy, we can lick the sour off of him!” 

“That’s a swell idea!” They go to Mr. Goggles’ house and knock. Mr. Goggles lets them in, and they immediately start licking off all the sour off of Mr. Goggles. Pretty soon, he’s completely wet. 

“Oh my, I feel so bad about what I’ve done. Please forgive me, mister Floofy.” Mr. Goggles says. 

“What?” Floofy asks. 

“I don’t feel sour anymore, I want a hug!” Floofy and Mr. Goggles hug and they lived happily ever after. I guess the lesson here is, when someone is sour, a good licking will help improve their mood and make them sweet again. Now, we snap back to reality. 

“What the f**k was that?” Ballester says. “Hey, I can say ‘f**k’ again!” Serge is throwing up rainbow puke. 

“Oh, that was so sweet and wholesome, I couldn’t take it.” Serge says. 

“I think it’s reality.” The ground shakes violently, knocking them off their feet. 

“Fuuuuuck!” Oh, he thinks it’s bad now? Just wait, we’re just getting started! “What do you mean, we’re just getting started?” 

“You keep forgetting, this is MY world.” I tell him. 

“F**k you!” 

“F**k me? F**k you!” 

“No, seriously. F**k. You.” He flips me the double bird. 

“Fine.” I say calmly, as I flick Ballester somewhere else. “It’s just me and you now, b***h!” 

“What the- the f**k did you just do?” 

“You brought this on yourself.” 

“Seriously, what the f**k?” 

“Your reality is about to change- again.” 

“NO!!” 

“Yes!” 

“Suck it!” I transfer him to a place of nothingness. 

“WHAT THE F**K??” Ooh, boy he’s mad now! I watch as he runs back and forth, nothing in all directions. In fact, there isn’t really any sense of direction, it’s just a blank white space of nothing, infinitely as far as the eye can see. One could say it looks like he’s running in place. Other times, it looks like he runs by the same part over and over. No matter what he does, he looks like a fool. 

“Having fun?” 

“Obviously not!” I start playing with him like a puppet. “Stop! Stop” 

“SCHTOP SCHTOP! MYENEHENA” I mock him, making him do ballet, and flutter like a princess. 

“This is not me! Stop!’ 

“ThIs Is NoT mE! Mynehenene!” I continue to make fun of him. I make him s**t into his own hand, and despite some struggling on his part, I manage to make him eat it. 

“Stop! I’m not Scott! I’m Serge, Ultimate Ruler of the-” I smack him unconscious. Oops, too hard.  

“Wake up!” He wakes back up. “What’s the matter, you don’t like it here?” 

“NO!” 

“It’s your own damn fault by messing with reality.” 

“And who made me do that?” I shrug. “Yeah yeah, don’t take credit for the things I do, even though you’re the one recording all of this!” 

“That’s how it goes.” 

“Put me back home!” 

“What about this instead?” I stick him in a different setting, but not the lab. 

 

Reviews

[ETERNITY]

Yeah, I know how it feels to have Scorpious f**k with your life.
Serge eats s**t now? Barf. No more kisses.
"“SCHTOP SCHTOP! MYENEHENA” I mock him, making him do ballet, and flutter like a princess. "
That had me almost crying laughing.