Chapter XCIX: Ballester vs. Scorpious

Chapter XCIX: Ballester vs Scorpious 

“All right, men! Listen up! You are the worst of the worst of the worst! Normal prison couldn’t handle you, so now you’re here!” Ballester raises his hand. “What?” The drill sergeant yells. 

“What’s going on?” Ballester asks. 

“You’re in hell now, boy! You fucked up bad to end up here!” 

“What did I do?” 

“You know what you did! Now! You all have three strikes here! F**k up three times, and you’re out!”  

“Uh...” 

“Don’t interrupt, you want your first strike?” 

“No.” 

“Anyway, first strike, you will be castrated in front of everyone else! You will get the method to which it is cooked, because you’re going to be eating it!” 

“The f**k?” Ballester says quietly to himself. 

“Second strike, same thing: we cut off your dick, and you eat it!” Third strike is your last! A public decapitation! That’s right, we practice capital punishment here!” 

“Isn’t that illegal?” 

“Funny man, speaking out of turn again, say goodbye to your nuts! Bring in this week’s Strike One participants!” Ballester gets thrown into a line of other dudes. 

“How would you like your balls prepared?” A guy who looks like a knockoff chef says. 

“I-I-” Ballester says. 

“Boiled, fried, baked, broiled, sauteed, what?” 

“Uh...fried, I guess?” The ‘chef’ marks it down. Ballester and the other guys are held back by guards, as other guards with hedge clippers chop their balls off. They all fall over and scream in pain. Their balls get hauled off by the ‘chef’ while some unsanitary nurses come in and start sewing them up. After a little while, they all eat their balls. 

“Bring in the second strikers!” Drill sergeant yells. Another line of prisoners is let in, and they’re put in stocks. Their penis is put in through a hole in the bottom, and a guillotine comes down and chops their dicks off. Again, nurses come in and sew them up. “Looks like we only have one third striker this week, it’s been awhile since we’ve done one of these!” A prisoner is brought in, and the drill sergeant uses a hand saw on the guys neck, slowly cutting his head off while the guy screams the whole time until his artery is sliced. The sergeant pulls the head forward and rips it off. He chucks it into an already bloody basketball net and cheers as if he’s just won the championship game. “And that’s how that’s played! Okay, everyone to the mines!” 

“Mines?” Ballester says as they’re led underground. 

“Start digging!” The slave master yells as he whips the group. With no tools in sight, Ballester can’t help but ask a question. 

“With what? I don’t see any tools.” 

“God gave you two perfectly good tools attached to your body!” He gets whipped. “Now, get digging!” Ballester starts to dig with his hands. 

“What exactly are we digging for?” 

“What was that?” Ballester gets whipped again. 

“I said- ow!” He gets whipped again. 

“Keep talking, I can do this all day- hey, you! Work faster!” He moves to another group of people who are slowing down due to exhaustion. 

“Psst.” A voice next to him says. 

“What?” Ballester whispers. 

“We’re not digging for anything, it’s just busywork.” 

“S**t.” Ballester starts digging, and he realizes he’s hungry. “When do we eat?” 

“You just ate!” 

“Yeah, but that was just my balls.” 

“They don’t feed us, they just have us eat our own s**t and drink our own piss. 

“What about sleep?” 

“Hah! If you fall asleep, that’s a strike.” 

“But eventually your body quits on you, and you fall asleep.” 

“Exactly.” 

“NO!” He starts running through the hallway, and slams into some girl going the other way. 

“Don’t stop, he’s after us!” she yells. 

“Who’s after us?” 

“Harry the Heart Shredder!” 

“Who’s Harry the Heart-” 

“AAAAAAHHHHHH!” A masked man is standing there with a taser and a larger than normal scalpel. 

“Woah, s**t, come on, let’s run!” She continues to stand there and scream as Harry slowly moves towards them. “Let’s go!” She continues to stand there and scream. “Fine, good luck, b***h!” Ballester runs towards a house, and he can hear the sound of electricity crackling, skin tearing, and ribs cracking. “Woah, s**t!” He picks up the phone, but it’s dead. “Figures.” 

“Dude, you made it!” Some guy says to Ballester. 

“Yeah- yeah, I did!” 

“Sounds like Sally didn’t make it, too bad, I just boned her half an hour ago. Oh well!” 

“Look, Harry is right outside, we gotta go, dude!” 

“I don’t know man, I just had like fifty beers, I’m loaded. I think I’m gonna pass out right here on the couch.” 

“With a killer right outside?” 

“Eh, it’ll be fine.” 

“Whatever, dude. Ballester leaves through the back door just as the front door gets knocked down. 

“Hah, you totally look like the killer dude.” Harry c***s his head and tases Dudebro. He slices his chest open, breaks open the ribs, and rips the still beating hear right out and crushes it. Meanwhile, Ballester is hiding in the woods. 

“Ok, it’s night time, it’s dark, the killer’s in the house, I think I’m safe.” He checks his junk and his balls are still missing. “Seriously?” 

“Who’s there?” A female voice asks. 

“M-me.” A chesty blonde emerges from the dark. 

“Oh thank God you made it! Are Chad and Sally okay?” 

“No, they got it.” 

“S**t, s**t. That just leaves us!” There’s a rustle in the bushes. Ballester checks his pockets and finds a gun. As Harry slowly approaches them, Ballester lets off a few rounds. Harry still approaches them slowly. “Shoot him in the head!” Ballester does, and Harry falls over.  

“Huh. That was easy, how come nobody else thought to-” Harry slowly gets back up, and Ballester turns around and empties the clip inside Harry’s head. This time, he doesn’t move. 

“You did it! You saved us!” She starts bouncing around, her huge tits jiggling, n*****s poking through her sweater, she gives Ballester a hug. 

“Now let’s see who Harry really is!” He pulls off the mask and it’s just some dude. “Uh, who is that?” 

“Oh my gosh, that’s the doctor who was fired for malpractice fifty years ago. Everyone thought he was dead. Apparently not.” 

“So, how did you end up surviving this whole ordeal?” 

“I don’t know, but my boyfriend is dead now, and I was supposed to lose my virginity tonight!” 

“Well, I mean, you could still lose it tonight...” 

“Really? But you’re the most popular boy in school, and I’m just a nerdy geek with huge knockers.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you. Lead me to your bedroom, babe.” She grabs his hand and leads him towards another house on the same street, and they head upstairs. They start making out when a loud voice interrupts them and a light is flashed on. 

“Bro just made out with a pig!” Some guy says. Ballester looks, and indeed, he’s tongue kissing a pig. 

“Bro, what the f**k?” 

“Bro, you just passed the final test of initiation!” 

“What initiation?” 

“You are now a full fledged Cum Lotta fraternity member!” 

“YEAH!” Another bro says as they chest bump and chug a beer. 

“So, what’s this fraternity do?” Ballester asks. 

“Ah, you know the usual, mess with the dean, f**k hot chicks and get absolutely f*****g wasted!” 

“Bro, that’s awesome!” 

“I know, right, bro?” 

“Yeah, bro!” 

“Bro!” 

“Dude!” 

“Bro! 

“Dude!” 

“Let’s go slam some beers and then slam some chicks!” 

“Ok, but you know the rules. Pledges have to f**k at least one fat or ugly chick their first semester. Bonus points if you can find one that’s both.” 

“High five!” The other dude says. They high five, and bump their heads together. 

“So, what’s going on now?” Ballester asks. 

“We’re gonna dump in the dean’s convertible. You in, pledge?” First bro asks. 

“Yeah, sure.” They get to the top of the roof, and pull their pants down and begin shitting. The second bro falls off and dies, but everyone just laughs and continues shitting on the car. Ballester falls off next and dies. When he wakes up, he’s in a white, blank space. “Where the f**k am I?” 

“Took you long enough to get here.” I tell him. 

“Scorpious?” 

“In the metaphorical flesh.” 

“What the f**k? That last one wasn’t too bad. The hot blonde wasn’t bad either... you wouldn’t happen to have her number, would you?” 

“Well, like you, she’s a figment of my imagination.” 

“Fuuuck! Well, where am I? There’s nothing here.” 

“You’re in draft mode.” 

“Draft mode?” 

“Yeah, Serge didn’t get it either.” 

“Serge was here?” 

“Well, yeah, of course.” 

“Where is he? Maybe I can ask him what’s going on.” 

“Don’t bother, he’s dead.” 

“What?” 

“D-di-did I stutter?” I mock him. 

“What is your deal? Why do you put us through hell?” 

“Cause it’s what I do. Because I can.” 

“But why?” 

“Look, I’ve already done enough for you. I gave you kids, not one, not two, but three wives, and I had you live in a clean world where not only could you do what you wanted, but you could never die.” 

“A lot of good that did me.” 

“Well, that doesn’t anyway. Cause all good things must come to an end.” 

“Don’t tell me you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking.” 

“That’s right.” I take my eraser and erase Ballester from existence. Now who’s the b***h, b***h? I’ve got one chapter left, and everyone is gone, what should I do? I know! I tear off a piece of notebook paper, get out my pencil, and start drawing a Ballester comic. Hopefully it’ll come out good, or at least decent. Hey, blame Serge for tearing open the fabric of his reality. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have ended up in the trash.