You're gone

Now I scattered myself on the floor with a big empty heart
because you left
and you're no longer by my side
and now all I have left are memories wandering on my mind
and I want you back

I hope you know you broke my heart
you tore it apart
you smashed it with a knife
but this heart didn't break even
it broke apart

and I keep crying because to me you mean life
then how could you leave me alone
now when I needed your love the most

you left
I begged for you to stay
you packed your stuff
and walked out the door
and left me with a big pain inside my chest
a contraction that I cannot bear to hold on

and I begged for you to stay home
but it was too late cause you were already gone

and I can't take all this hurt
but you left
and now my heart is torn.

Author's Note

This is not my best poem...I kind of did it in 5 minutes...Halfway going through this right now..
Feedback? Constructive criticism?

Reviews

[elyza0926]

i like your poem. i'm not great at criticizing works, and i'm not much aware about the technical stuffs so i'm just going to judge the story itself. it's a heart-breaking poem, and i guess everyone goes through this stuff sooner or later. you did a great job at expressing your feelings, and i kinda like the flow of the poem. i guess you can do a better one, but this is good too :)

[Camille Corbett]

Um, filled with cliches and the metaphors were stupid and nonsensical. You're a good writer, just this piece was bad.

[The Last Poetic King]

A great job expressing the lose of love.. It is better to have loved and lost to have never loved at all. For some time you feel something that can be described in a million words, and once that is gone. You have so much you can write from that experience. We must ask ourselves, a good question. Why does pain inspire?

[Voice11]

I think it is a good start. It is how best the structure relates to your heart. If it is complete chaos then maybe it will not be organized rhymes. If it is organized chaos, sadness, or anything then maybe you can write the perfect rhymes. Almost always a mix isn't flowing well.

[DarkLovingRaven]

I can feel your pain here. This is so common to happen to us...and i bless you for coming out and writing it to us.

[Deaths Cold Kiss]

i can feel the pain and sadness , the longing. vivid emotions

[DareToDream]

I really like this, i could feel the hurt and sadness through your words...its very touching. I really like it, keep writing : )

[NENA^]

good....keep writing....=D

[Frantzuu]

Great poem, very well described :D

[Rain Kissed Secret]

My head is off right now. But I can say that I liked the first part. It flowed, it was descriptive, and I loved how you worded things. The second part you need to pay more attention to. Thank you sweety for sharing this with me