Dear You

Draw whatever conclusions you wish.

Dear You,

When we met, it was a whirlwind of feelings. The necessary secrecy added intensity and I fell for you faster than I'd ever believed possible. I'd never wanted to know so much about a person and I asked question after question just trying to know you. You had a girlfriend at the time but you've always been the honest type so you broke up with her soon after you met me. I would've felt bad if she hadn't been a horrible girlfriend to you anyway. You deserved better, and I was starting to wonder if maybe "better" would be me. One day before the one month anniversary of you knowing me, you told me you loved me. I'd always thought the people who claimed "love" after just a few weeks were immature, but I was in love with you too. The feeling of new love is so raw and exciting and you were the first guy that had ever loved me so I fell even faster after that. I thought of nothing else. I talked to you as much as possible, beginning to blow off my family to get more time with you. The first time I saw you I knew you were too good for me, but you never thought so and you made me forget it, too. Our relationship was always complicated and never defined. It wasn't until we'd said "I love you" for about 6 months that you called me your girlfriend, and even after that I was still cautious to assume things. I didn't call you baby or any other names. I didn't kiss you. I guess we were respectable in how slow we went, but there wasn't a moment that wasn't burning with passion, at least not for me. I was obsessed and in love, and I couldn't go 5 minutes without talking to you without missing you like crazy. We didn't have our first fight until we'd known each other over 8 months. When we finally started Skyping, I was instantly addicted. You were so attractive, and not just in looks. While you did have an adorable smile and just general good looks, you were also incredibly funny and sweet, and I would laugh and laugh with you. You made me feel beautiful in ways I never imagined, and nothing could ever take you from me. 

Except my mom.

Because when she took my phone that day, and she read those texts from you, she was angry. And she drew conclusions that she deserved but that made my life hard. But I lied my way out of it and at first she was okay with you. I've always been a little dramatic, though, and the thought of her knowing just led to thoughts of her wanting to meet you, so I told her I wouldn't talk to you again. I told her you were moving to New York and I was done. I told her, and she believed me.

At first I wasn't going to talk to you anymore, I broke up with you and we both cried and I've never felt a heartbreak so strong as that first one, and I never will. I don't think I lasted more than 2 days before I was begging for you to take me back and promising to just be more careful. One thing I'll never forget is pretending to be little kids on the playground, who kissed and then said it was icky, who chased each other all around and then secretly held hands when recess ended and it was naptime. I remember counting how many times we kissed, promising to make them real someday. I guess that won't happen now.

We've been through a lot. My mom caught be 2 more times, the last being the worst. She still doesn't know the truth about you but apparently even the lie wasn't good enough. I'd gotten nearly over you quite a few times, but never fully. And now I'm fully in love and you're the one that's over me, and it's breaking me. Because I want you. I need you. I want to wake up to you every morning like we've done so many times before. I wanna watch you dance around the bathroom in your undershirt every morning as you blast music and shave your facial hair into that irresistible chin strap, just cuz you know I love it. I want that wedding we always planned, with our cultures perfectly intertwined and our families magically accepting us. I want our little girl, Annie, and her brother, too. I want the house with the basketball court themed like your favorite team and a slide from our bedroom to the pool and 2 dogs and I want you to tease me about that word I hate and I want you to be the one I thank when I win that award for Best Editor someday. I want to make pinky promises with you when I'm 80 years old. I want you to go skydiving with me, I want you to dance with me every night in the dark, I want you to bake a cake with me at 2 AM and I want you to hold me when the power goes out and I'm scared and I want to travel the world with you and I want to hold you in my arms for real, every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I want all those things. We planned all those things, and I believed in all those things, and I want them. You promised me. And now I'm on my knees, begging for you to want those things too, but you don't and you can't fake it because I'm too smart to want something that isn't real. And you feel bad for hurting me cuz you do love me but just not like that so both our hearts are breaking and now I'm crying and you don't know what to say and I want to walk away but I can't because I'm still addicted to you and I've never had much self control and who's going to love me like you did? Who will live that life with me? The life I was supposed to have with you? You're the only one I want. I'd marry you right now if you asked, but you won't. You'll tell me you love me and when I ask what you want, you'll say you want to be friends. And my heart will crash to the floor even though this isn't even the second or third time we've had this conversation in the last week, and finally, I'll turn off my heart to love and give you whatever you want, anything you want, just to be close to you. I'll be that girl who is everything except really yours, and I won't let it bother me. I'll accept that I'm lucky to have this much of you and I won't let my hopes get up and I'll make you happy, despite how it makes me feel.

Because I love you. And I ALWAYS will.