Relapse

Had an off day today. So I wrote.

This is the first time
in a really long time
that I feel how I used to feel
all the time

pulling, picking, scratching at my skin
wanting to crawl out of this disaster that I call
my body
wanting to stop listening to this never sleeping demon that I call
my mind
wanting, begging that the next time that I look into the mirror I will see
nothing.

blind.

I thought after 9 years I’d win this battle already
this battle of keeping you buried deep beneath
the music of forced laughter
deep beneath
the shine of forced smiles
deep beneath
the feeling of false love
intoxicated with whiskey drunken lips
believing that if I give this boy my
body for self-deserved pain
that maybe this time
this one will care to remember my name
because then maybe,
I will finally understand what it's like to be

beautiful.

My mind reminds me otherwise.

Because here I am again close enough to kiss the seat of this
a*s kissing toilet
3 fingers could never get deep enough inside my throat
3 fingers could never get deep enough to save my soul
3 fingers could never get deep enough
to get every last inch of my fat into this f*****g toilet bowl

So here you go
here is my self,
to you hate and to you harm. Together we can play tricks.

And let clocks tick
and f**k anonymous dicks
decorate my skin with the most beautiful cuts
and try, and try again to remind myself to not give a f**k
to try and hide how I really feel

Stephanie, what do you really feel?

Stephanie, what do you really feel?

I’d ask myself each and every night when the world became silent
and the only noise I could not drown out was the voices in my head

Voices in my head

The same voices who time and time again promise me:

You would be so much happier dead.

This is the first time
in a really long time
that I feel how I used to feel
all the time

So I write.

And I remember.

Author's Note

Please submit any critiques :) Haven't written in about 6 months, finally got inspired enough to do so.

Reviews

[Rasputin]

This one really packs a punch. I could feel how fucked your nerves were when you wrote this. I never got into self-harm or had an eating disorder, but I was a full-blown alcoholic/junkie; so I know how that goes, at least. I'm glad that you at least feel okay enough to be open and honest about this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

Very, very powerful words in this piece!

[Trase]

Great insight and honest poetry. Nicely done!

[Buniheart]

Very plain, and precisely clear! I like the use of your words :)

[Vertigo]

Brutally honest, and that is what the world lacks.