Chapter 3: Try, try, try again.

By the time I started paying attention again, or at least letting the rage inside me smooth away, we were in the cafeteria. When I entered with Dr. Lutz immediately girls were staring at us. Some looked jealous that I’d be eating with him. What did they all see? Yes, he was gorgeous, but not worth it.

 

I followed him to the lunch line where he proceded to question what I wanted. Was he stupid? Did he not realize, I’d prefer nothing? I wasn’t even hungry, just give me some water. We stood there for about five minutes, before he just frowned and turned to the lady to give me mac and cheese. He was having that too. He was smiling again when he turned back to look at me.

“Your parents told me that, before all this happened, you loved macaroni and cheese. I like it too, you know? I like extra cheese.” He laughed a bit to himself, I just inhaled and exhaled. Still frowning. I started to wonder if I kept frowning like this my face would get stuck this way.

The lady arrived with our plates of mac and cheese, and immediately he grabbed his, I sort of just looked at mine. “Don’t worry Harm, I got it.”

He grabbed the plate sliding it down the row to the end where the juices were. I looked at all the drinkable items. Gatorade, energy drinks, milk, soda, ice tea, lemonade, etc. But no water. No water bottles or anything. Was there something wrong with water? My frown got deeper. I grabbed a diet ice tea before he could decide what is best for me. At least it was ‘diet’, so there weren’t many calories. I started to walk away, away from all the food and Dr. Lutz. And as quickly as I had moved away he was already back in step with me, how I hated him so.

 

He followed me all the way to the back of the cafeteria, I didn’t want to be near anyone, and we grabbed the table all the way in the corner. The cafeteria was big like my old school one, and new, like mine was too. That was sort of a relief, it made it feel like home. I plopped down at the table and Dr. Lutz sat across from me, sliding my dish across the table to me. I placed my drink on the table and then put my hands back down at my side.

 

All of a sudden something came back to me, a deep emotion, so powerful I felt I could scream!

 

I looked down to my left hand and saw it was still there!!!! My bracelet I made was still there on my arm! It was the only thing I had left really. It is sort of a symbol for Pro Anorexics, we wear them because they help us find others like us, since we have to practically hide ourselves in reality. Then I felt something different on my face, and as I touched my bracelet it changed even more.

 

I was, smiling. I finally felt hope that I could get this over with, and then I could go home to Ana, and she’d take me back, she’d forgive me, because I didn’t want this. My head started to look up as I saw Dr. Lutz looking at me. Pondering my smile, wondering, questioning, thinking. This isn’t good.

 

I swallowed hard. He suddenly got up from the table and walked towards the other girls, he questioned one of the girls off to the side of the table. The girl I’d met earlier was sitting next to her, and she looked back at me and smiled. I smiled back. Then she frowned, and went to slapping her friend upside her head. She mouthed the words I’m so sorry to me as he walked back over. He didn’t look happy. He took my arm, the left one and began looking at my little bracelet. The smile disappeared on my face. Why was he staring at it? Did he not know? Then, as easily as the thought came to mind, it disappeared. He was looking for the clasp and he found it. He simply unclasped it, took hold of it, and walked towards a few people standing guard.

 

I watched his lips as he stated, “It is an Ana bracelet, dispose of it.” I thought I was going to cry. He returned to the table and sat across from me once more. “It is for your own good.” He said, and I felt his eyes beckoning mine, for me to at least look at him. But I didn’t. I kept my eyes down, and now knew the frown was here to stay. I tried to be happy, and there is no hope in it ever happening again.

 

We’d sit here forever if that is how it must be.