Quiet Devotion

This is a personal narrative I wrote on my mom's love towards me, how she showed it to me, and how it impacted my life now. I wanted other feedback since my teacher didn't have much.

Quiet Devotion

My mom never got to see her family. Instead, she gave up the rarest, most memorable moments for me. My mom has given me the unique opportunity to experience love that does not ask for anything in return. Without it, I may have never let go of the idea that love is earned in various ways. Only now that I can look back on these moments of sacrifice do I realize, love is devotion, commitment, and unconditional. Although I do not always express it, I will be endlessly grateful for the genuinely selfless things my mom has done for me, continuously being the purest example of love I have; her actions keep me determined to become more loving every day.

I remember lying on my grandma’s guest bed, my cheek rubbed against the soft fabric of my mom’s shirt as she held me close. The louder my family was on the other side of the door, the more my face tensed in anger. 

“It’s unfair. I want to be with everyone else. They can have fun. Why can’t I?” I grumbled under my breath into my mom’s shoulder. Looking back now, I realize she made the huge sacrifice of putting me to bed instead of being with her own family. 

“I know, baby. I know. I want to be out there, too, but you need to sleep. You will be able to spend more time with them tomorrow. The sooner you fall asleep, the quicker that time will come.” Her words were soft as she spoke, but even then, I could feel the envy lurking underneath. I felt her rub my shoulder while pulling me in tighter, humming a quiet lullaby to calm me as my eyes got heavier with each passing second. 

I did not see it then. All I saw was the memories she was taking from me. Now, I can see that she was sacrificing the reason many people go on vacations for me. She missed out on unforgettable moments, so I would not be tired or grumpy the next day. I was able to sleep peacefully, knowing I was safe with my mom. She slept knowing she missed out on the irreplaceable memories, something that could haunt her for years to come. She ultimately fell asleep, knowing she missed out for her kid. She knew that, even if she was not shown appreciation from her husband, who should have been the one putting me to bed, she did it for me, the one she loves.

Without this, and many other similar memories, I would only remember how my dad’s love for my mom was conditional, measuring how much she deserved based on his standards. The times he would point out people on the street who did not fit that box, saying things like:

“Do not let yourself look like that.” Those are the kind of memories I continuously have to overcome, using the unconditional love my mom has always shown me. 

Now, because of her sacrifices, I know that love can not be earned, but it is given. Because she taught me this lesson, I will be forever grateful. She is always there for me, ready to take care of me when she did not need to, just because I’m her daughter. When I feel lost or unloved, I go back to that room. Where I laid on her as she hummed a little song while I drifted off to sleep, not fully knowing what a sacrifice she made to be there. I can ease my heart, knowing that if everyone in my life no longer wants to walk with me, my mom will. That is more than enough for me, because she is the one who taught me what true love is. It is the quiet devotion, the unrecognized choices that may feel like a chore, the adoration and care that chases away any anger. Only because of the way my mom has been there for me can I be confident that I know what love is. I know what to look for in the love I give to others, because she was the one who showed me the attributes that walk alongside love. 

Reviews

[hiren]

Hi,
You adore your mother so much. You still miss her though she is not with you. You said she doesn't let you play, but any mother would think of kid's health which is more important and you could play in the morning.

A lady after being a mother definitely know how to live kids and heart becomes more emotional can't even like to see kids crying. That must be love extreme. Fun you can have anytime few things are pretty much needed

I really see you more adore her because any mom would love their kids

Its nice you did see love in your mother

Thank you so much for sharing.

Jessy Jacob ❤️

[Kate]

Thank you for the review!

[Samuel Dickens]

I am touched. Like you, I didn't understand what love was when young. A good, loving parent will walk in front of a train for their children--this I have learned in my 77 years. It's sad that your father isn't like your mother, but things could be worse, I assure you. I won't debate what JayG has said, but I'll tell you that you told the story in a perfectly understandable way.

[Kate]

Thank you for this review. Very wise words, and I do agree that it can be worse. I was hoping it would be relatable and speak to those who have similar stories. Thank you again!

[JayG]

Bad news, though it's unrelated to your writing skills and talent.

Like more hopeful writers you've forgotten an important point: Without learning a lot more about the scriptwriting profession, could you write a workable script? How about work as a Journalist?

If the answer is no, why would you believe that you can write fiction that works without knowing more about that profession?

The nonfiction writing skills we learn in school are great, if your goal is to write an essay or report, because their approach is fact-based and author-centric—as is this posted piece. It's written like an essay. But... can the reader know the emotion you expect them to place into the narator's voice? No.

Have your computer read the piece to you and you'll hear the problem.

Our goal isn't to make the reader know the characters, or learn what happens. Your reader wants your work to make them feel that THEY are the one living the events and making the decisions. And no way can the nonfiction skills of our schooldays do that.

Writers have, after all, been expanding and refining the skills of fiction for centuries. Learn them and you grab the reader by the throat on the first page, and make them NEED to turn the pages. Without them, you'll rediscover all the traps, never knowing it's happening—as you have.

So...try this. Grab a copy of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. and dig in:

https://dokumen.pub/qdownload/gmc-goal-motivation-and-conflict-9781611943184.html

You'll be amazed at how often you'll say, "Wait! How can I have missed something so obvious?"

You might also, as an overview of the traps and gotchas that get us all, want to check a few of my articles and YouTube Videos.

But...whatever you do, hang in there and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein

Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.”
~ Sol Stein

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[Kate]

Thank you for the LONGGG feedback. Although I do agree that this piece needs more emotion and would benefit from a more immersive style of writing, that was not the purpose of this piece. It was for school, an essay. I would not normally write this robotic when I write for fun, but since fun wasn't the goal here, I didn't put much extra life in. I would love to delve into the world of journalism and try out fiction writing (I'm working on something now). Thank you again for the feedback and the different sites and videos to look into!