for the person i wish i could be.

i don't know who i am,
and i doubt i ever will.
i don't even know who i'm not,
because i change so often.

but i know who i wish i was.
christ, doesn't everybody?
we all do it, at least once:
"god, look at her. she's...
she's got everything. but,
i'd change a little bit.
and i would never do that,
or say something like that."

i wish i had more of a lot.
and i wish i had less of a lot, too.
i wish i smiled more, and laughed less.
i wish my window didn't scare me,
and i wish i wasn't scared of lakes.
[i'm not afraid of swimming,
or water, or even drowning.
i'm afraid of what's inside my head.]

i wish i had more self control,
but i wish i could let go and relax.
i wish i lived by my favorite quote,
"let it be."
and i wish i could take the middle ground,
and i wish i could love halfway.
but i'm an all or nothing type of girl.

i wish i was slower to trust and love,
and quicker to forgive and forget.
i wish i could stick to my promises,
and i wish i could live without regrets.

i'm not willing to change myself,
and i really wish i was.
it's too hard just hanging on to who i am;
i can't imagine f*****g around with it.

i wish i could turn the page on some stories,
and start over again.
but i'll keep living and breathing,
through words and pictures, until the bitter end.

i wish i was the person everyone needs me to be.
i wish i was the person who didn't care about it.
but i'm always going to be the last one standing,
wishing on a shooting star, or a meteor, or a plane.

i wish i could tell the difference.