If...Then...

Ol’ Jonah was looking pretty darn pale

After three days and three nights in a whale--

Or giant fish (according to translation).

Whatever the case, it was no vacation

For Jonah, who had to be pretty smelly,

Spending seventy-two hours in that belly,

Fending off digestive juices

And other secretions that a body produces.

He didn’t agree with the creature, no doubt,

Because the animal spat him out.

If Jonah had early on followed directions,

This story would not be in our collections;

And he wouldn’t have taken that trip

And found himself being thrown from a ship.

 

Now Solomon they say was supposed to be wise,

Which is handy when certain situations arise,

Such as the “Judgment of Solomon,” which--

Luckily for him--went off without a hitch.

Solomon understood human behavior

And proved to be for one mom a savior.

Taking a chance, and entirely off the cuff,

He shrewdly called the false mother’s bluff.

It's amazing it all worked out as it did;

Otherwise, there would have been a dead kid.

Back then could Solomon ever have guessed

The advantages of a DNA test?

 

David’s son Absalom was handsome and charming;

His personality was rather disarming.

Ostentatious and debonair,

He was famous for his huge mop of hair.

His thirst for power got so overblown

That he usurped his father’s throne.

So David and Absalom had to wage war;

Father and son had to settle a score.

At Ephraim’s Wood when trying to flee,

Absalom got his locks caught in a tree.

If he had kept his hair short and trim,

He wouldn’t have died on that blasted tree limb;

And his plans might not have fallen apart

As he hung from that tree with darts in his heart.

 

Salome loved to dance up a storm;

And apparently the lady had perfect form.

Her mother, Herodias, bore a deep grudge

Toward John the Baptist; and she wouldn’t budge.

Just imagine the trouble he was in

For having told Herodias she was living in sin.

Unfortunately, he ended up in jail

And languished there with no chance of bail.

When Herod’s birthday came around,

To get the merriment off the ground,

Herod asked Salome to dance for him.

He’d give her anything--whatever her whim.

She didn’t want gold or silver; instead,

She wanted John the Baptist’s head.

(Actually, for one reason or another

She wanted to give John’s head to her mother.)

If John had NOT insulted Herodias,

She wouldn’t have found him so odious.

And if Salome hadn’t been SO into dance,

The poor guy might have had a chance;

But since her dancing was so first rate,

John the B’s head ended up on a plate.

 

IF...THEN in retrospect

Makes us want to stop and reflect.

Actions and reactions both make up life

And sometimes bring happiness, sometimes strife.

Behave with wisdom and common sense,

And know that there's always a consequence.

(8-1-14)

Reviews

[sen]

There's a lot more to the Jonah story than simply the large fish incident..
There's a lot more to the stories of all these characters in your poem. Yet your poem intends to entertain, and so it does - a little bit. If...Then...you ever write a more accurate recount of these identities and the situations surrounding them ...