The Story of Lana: Here a Nip; There a Tuck

One day it dawned on Lana:

Some physical “flaws” were more dominant.

Rivers of wrinkles crisscrossed her face,

And the bump on her nose looked more prominent.

“This just won’t do,” she said to herself.

“Good looks are SO in demand,

That I’ve got to see Dr. Slicestitch before

All of this gets out of hand.”

 

The doctor, after examining Lana,

Made a few helpful suggestions:

“I have the perfect plan for you.

Just stop me to ask any questions.

Let’s start with a major skin resurfacing

To get rid of wrinkles and spots.

We’ll do a slice here, a little slice there,

And then we will start with the shots.

Collagen and Botox injections

Must follow your mid-face lift.

Rhinoplasty will flatten your nose.

But we can’t give your bosom short shrift.

If you’re looking at breast enlargement,

We can give you an impressive rack--

Unless reduction is more beneficial

To somewhat relieve that pain in your back.

We’ll lift your eyelids, raise your cheekbones,

And put an implant in your chin.

We’ll thicken your lips and pull back your neck

To allow you to have the tightest of skin.

There's sclerotherapy for varicose veins;

My accuracy is really uncanny.

And a little more work in the lower area

Will give great form to your flat fanny.

Liposuction on your thighs and belly

Would, I think, be very smart.

Plus laser treatment for unwanted hair.

All this should be a great START.”

 

You should see Lana now;

Stop by to kindly surprise her.

You’ll be astonished by her new look,

Although you won’t recognize her.

Her face is so tight that she can’t smile;

Her translucent skin is pale and waxen.

Her chin protrudes and her nose is flat.

She’ll remind you of Michael Jackson.

It almost seems as though she can’t blink;

If she could, I’d be amazed.

The look on her face is the look of a woman

Perpetually shocked or crazed.

Regarding her breasts, she went with large

Instead of doing the breast reduction.

Her breasts might turn heads, but not

The loose skin from her liposuction.

Yes, she’s got new shape to her bottom,

But now especially she must beware:

Since she is so heavy on top,

It makes it hard to sit on a chair.

Now that she’s started all this work

Frequent adjustments will be needed

To fine tune areas that would get messy

If they're left entirely unheeded.

 

A major overhaul on a car

Works well on an old Model T.

The human body is more problematic;

The outcome has no guarantee.

A little adjustment here and there

Is fine if it’s done quite tastefully.

But many people like the idea

Of trying to grow old gracefully.

Lana received a complete transformation;

Of options she was presented with plenty.

It's just that it's strange when someone looks

Seventy going on twenty.

(8-4-14)