Naked

A quick read for the soul

I am drowning....

And you longer can hear me cry,

Beneath the strong currents here I lay.

I've wasted time You left me here in vain,

You stripped me bare,

Drank my soul and left me to die,

I kneel now in this place,

How can I see the light,

If it no longer exist.

You've discarded my pieces like useless fragments.

Apart of me lives here now,

disheveled and lost,

just like the others  you've forsaken.

If you wish to return,

I am now a broken record,

Even if you piece the pieces together again,

It won't be perfect,

 

Reviews

[DrD]

The sense of abandonment and a poor investment of too much of ourselves to someone undeserving rings through this work very clearly. I enjoyed it because of its raw honesty. The sense of hopelessness touches the reader and becomes a work well worth reading. Thank you for this one.

[Tena Luvs]

You're very welcome and thank you for viewing and commenting!

[Everett DeValle]

Wow, your poem was eloquently stated...I was lost the flow which is good thing...awesome poem. :)

[Sami Khalil]

A very good one. Raw and simple...:)..............

[don't know]

the ocean gives and takes. Good write i enjoyed it.

[Legion]

I am going to be blunt here and hopefully not come off as a pompous a*s because I really do strive to help writers expand and be more than what they think they can be.

The piece is mediocre in its presentation. Yes, it shows the pain and angst of the character but it is not memorable for the reader. It has no real bite or life that will make the reader truly feel what the character is going through nor does it have any punch that will make the reader remember the piece after they have moved on to something else. This doesn't mean it can't. All pain and suffering can be felt by one's readers if it is presented in such a fashion that will grab them by the throat and throttle them so to speak. It is finding the right words (not just the easy words) as well as the rhythm and flow of those words. Let's take your first line for example:

"I'm drowning"

Simple but not a powerful simplicity. Now let's reword that line and see if we can't spruce it up.

"I, with heart and soul floundering, find myself unable to breath".

Even that isn't the greatest line ever but you can see how it shows more depth and imagery giving the reader more to sink their mind's teeth into.

And please don't misunderstand me, your piece is not bad. I'm just saying with a little work and perhaps a thesaurus you can make this as well as anything else you choose to write something that will give the reader a moment to not only ponder but perhaps remember.

Hope all that makes sense. We can't always write a masterpiece but we can always try.

[Tena Luvs]

Thank you for the feedback. I haven't written in a while and I wanted to write something simple compared to my other work. My poems are usually more lengthy and I decided to write something completely shorter. Something really light and simple. So here it is whether it captures a reader or not I totally understand what you mean. However sometimes a few words with not much thought in scrambling to find the hardest words can capture someone, Like a quote. Any thank you.

[A. Amos]

God I love this piece, your heart scream from this pain and I feel so much connected with this write... Simply marvelous!

[Tena Luvs]

Thank you so much

[A. Amos]

My pleasure