Fear & Me

Getting all personal up in this b***h, yo.

Fear. It consumes every man and woman (oh, and those in-between) on this very planet. Some may deny it, but it's true. This intangible feeling of lost hope and anger-gone-wild is present in (for some) everyday life. Some beings fear heights or spiders or even sharks. These things are in a sense scary, but some humans acquire life-changing phobias from these simple things. Fear can range from the butterflies that flutter when you speak to a "hottie," to a psychopath waiting to grab you from beneath your bed.

I used to be one of those pompous pricks who would claim to have no fear; that was a grand lie. I, surprisingly, have come to terms with my fears. I wouldn't consider them to be phobias (well, maybe one, but we will get to that soon), but they still present an issue in my life. The first fear I have is the fear of angering someone I deeply care for. Now, you may think this is a fear we all have, but I fear this on a larger scale; there has been times where I would beat myself up over just the thought of angering a friend (and I  mean physically beat myself up). The second I feel that I've angered someone I care deeply for, I fall into a major state of panic. This happened last month when I, out of concern, told the social worker at my school about my friend's self-harm issue. I assumed that he was furious with me, so I hid from him for two weeks; asking people about his mood and worrying behind the scenes. 

Another little fear I have is the fear of letting others see into me. You may not understand what I mean by that, so I shall explain. I fear other people getting a good grasp on who I am, for I loathe myself. I fear others getting concerned, and feeling the need to waste their time on me. It's not that I'm not grateful, I love that people care, it's just guilt takes over and I fear that guilt.

Onto the "phobia." I have Gamophobia to some extent. The idea of being in a strong relationship scares me. I've only been dating/emotional involved with people who are distant from me. They adore me, but their distance makes it difficult to show it. It does hurt me, so that's why I seek "comfort" from others. Besides the fact I'm already a lustful person, I cannot stay in a relationship long enough for it to get emotionally high. I also fear staying in a club or anything relating to that. This is partially due to my social anxiety and the fact that I get bored easily, but my Gamophobia does add a large toll to it all. There is someone who I truly adore but, even if I could, I would never date him. I would love to in all honesty; it would bring me joy. But, due to my phobia and "desires," I refuse even the idea. If the option were to ever arise (it would't, but I said "if"), I would deny just because of all the emotions involved. Sometimes I even have to force out my affection because I'm too scared to. Again, it's not that I don't feel the affection, I just get fearful. I would also get rather guilty if I cheated on him. He is probably the only human (that I have met so far) that I wouldn't want to cheat on. But it's sadly in my nature. I would end myself from the guilt most likely.. 

Jeez, you actually read this much BS? I must apologize for rambling. I must be so boring and irksome.. I suppose I'll leave you for the day. It was really nice to release this tense fear. Well, goodbye~

Reviews

[Inject Positivity]

F.E.A.R=FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL....I loved the concept....Very interesting write....You have maintained simplicity throughout the story....I can relate to the feelings....

[WillGrant]

Fear is a powerful thing. it controls everyone. Even if you call it by another name. Thanks for sharing

[Alexandra Hounschell]

Ahh you're welcome. Thanks for reading ~