Those in Glass Houses

This originally started out as a rap, and personally, I think that it sounds better if you rap it, but that's just my personal opinion.

The world that we live in

today makes me sick.

It's all about money

and hoes getting dick.

 

What would happen if suddenly,

it wasn't all about you?

It'll be like that eventually

when the price of life pays it's due.

 

Let's take a look into the eyes

of a small little girl.

She sat, watched and cried

as drugs ruined her world.

 

"Daddy stop!" she'd beg

as he lights up another.

She knows that soon,

he'll be beating her mother.

 

He'll beat them both 'till he's tired

of his sick little game.

Little girl cuddles her mother

who's heavy with shame.

 

Listen to my words

and try to tell me that they're funny.

Can you tell that little girls life

revolves completely around money?

 

It's not about the cash,

who you know or what you wear.

It's about showing your loved ones

that you know how to care.

 

Author's Note

I usually try not to use any vulgar or explitive words, but I'm being a bad poet, and using dick for the first time in any of my pieces >_< Sorry!

Reviews

[Demetri J]

Um...abrasive indeed, I'd recommend reconsidering your terminology to match the rest of the poem and its style. While I appreciate your consistent rhyme scheme it has room to be polished. It seems your amount of words per line varies and sometimes comes off as sloppy and detracts from the ongoing meter. And, as a side note, if trying to rap I'd recommend constructing multi-syllable rhyme schemes along with a more tightened rhythm.

As for the message of it, while not presenting anything that hasn't been said before I feel you still managed to give it in a way that's innovative and allows your own voice to be heard on the subject. Room for improvement, but good work

[SpokenWord]

I love rap-hip hop but I can't rap so I just read it as I read all poems finding the pulse of the flow. Many people totally lean on money as their moral compass to what is right and wrong and I am guessing that is one reason you may have chosen the title Glass house for this one as that type of thinking is shallow and fragile. I like your rap project here :) Well done

[Chris]

Don't apologize for living...apologize for not...

The piece assumes many things... real is MORE real... and fake is more memorex... don't go for sympathy... go WITH your words and they will lead you where they need to be taken.

[SoulCrusader (Yas)]

I did a bit of a rap in my head and sounded great, even if I may say so myself:)

Poetry and messages in this poem are excellent :)

[Kevin Horsley]

Nothing wrong with using foul language in a poem, it's all about the timing.

I like the idea behind this but think it needs a bit more work, it also reads like a lyric instead of a poem.

Having said that I can see from your comment that it started out as a rap, I'd stick with that it would work better.

[Amit Parmessur]

a poet has to use all words available... good piece indeed:)

[Teenage Romeo]

i like thsi its a crud way of explaing the world we live in

[Lily Mae]

Great write..I love it..x

[White Ink]

true and honest.. :)
i like it.

[roy mccarthy]

cool write,
flows well too!