depth perception

Sometimes I feel like the walls close in on me.

But not in a claustrophobic way, the fact that the walls are inching their way closer to gripping the air from my lungs isn’t something that’s scaring me. 

What’s scaring me is the walls themselves. The walls don’t have to move to make me uncomfortable, the walls could be in a 5x5 box, or an acre of space. 

The dull perception of my walls haunts me. Maybe it’s the house.

Do other walls haunt me? Surely not. 

When I sit in classrooms, I feel trapped, but does it matter if the classrooms have people in them? I imagine myself in an empty classroom and suddenly my thoughts and feelings are louder than before. I imagine myself in a classroom but instead, with others and suddenly it's not the walls closing in on me. I realize, it's my own being getting smaller and smaller, out of my own unconscious will. 

I imagine the walls of a library, quiet. The walls feel thick, but soft. The enclosure feels almost comforting, but something is still not right. 

Similar to the feeling you get when someone gives up something of their own for your benefit. It feels comforting to know they care, and you’ve gotten what you wanted. Yet something still seems un-right. Is that feeling of “un-right” an actual injustice, or is it a continuation of discomfort around your own worth? 

Are the walls closing in on me the same walls that were built around me? 

Maybe it's not the walls closing in around me, maybe it's my soul choking, my essence seeping out begging for fresh air. There’s no more room to grow, without allowing myself the space to grow I’ll end up shriveled. Instead of my growth, the walls will feel bigger as I shrink inwards. The walls will feel inescapable.

Author's Note

I'm incapable of keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself sometimes, and this is one of those times lol. maybe I just need to smoke. I'm not quite sure what kind/category of writing this is, so if anyone could help me or tell me how you interpret it as, I would appreciate that a lot! <3