November's Tears

My darkest month.

A bridge of "no return"

Has been crossed

Whether knowing

Or not

By me.

 

As I am forced

To face my daemons

Once more.

 

A yearly battle

Which I dread

With all of my heart.

 

Reliving pivotal moments

That radically changed

Everything for me

Within a thirty day period

We call a month.

 

In the way

I view the world

Including

My outlook

On life.

 

Starting

Forty years ago

With electrical burns

To my mouth.

 

Marking my entry

Into the world

Of traumatic flashbacks

And humanity's cruelty

To anyone

Who's different.

 

Another major event

Is my inability

To properly mourn

My dad's death

In 1998.

 

Forced by circumstances

Into the stoic child role

Standing by

Her grieving mom.

 

As the family await

My missing brother appearance

For not.

 

Realizing

My true self

While filling

My dad's role

For mom.

 

Crystallizing

On a 2005 graveside visit

As the floodgates opened up

And tears of sorrow and rejoin

Flowed openly.

 

Never realizing

I would be opening

A door of pain and sorrow

By facing my true self.

 

Starting

The needed healing process

After a lifetime of abuse

And self-denial.

 

By breaking off

All contact

With my abusive family.

 

Opening up

At the very beginning

With the help

Of some very special people

In my life.

 

As the Transcommunity mourns

Those sisters and brothers

Who have left

This mortal coil

By their or other's hand.

 

Realizing

How close

I have come

In becoming

Another name

On that list.

Reviews

[willweb]

Therisa, this was so sad and heart wrenching. We all have times of the year that we dread, but I see below, this time has passed for you on the 20th, so you made it through another.

[therisa]

Thank you, Will. Just 6 more days, until it's December.

[willweb]

It won't be long now

[icelandicblue]

The history of your journey has pierced my heart:

Realizing
My true self
While filling
My dad's role
For mom.

I cannot imagine what you have been through. May you find your way to happiness and I wish the world would meet all who are the same or different with open arms.

[therisa]

Thank you, Icelandicblue. So do I.

[MsJewel]

I can feel the emotion in your words...it is so personal, so powerful. My heart goes out to you. You have touched me deeply.

:) Julie

[therisa]

Thank you, Julie. From November 11 to 20, are the hardest days, for me, for various reasons. Can remember my dad, feeling it was his duty to honour those, who fallen, in duty, for Canada, to be presence, at every Remembrance Day. As it was Canadian soldiers, who liberated The Nederlands, when he was 8 years old.

[MomzillaNC]

Time can only ease the pain of tragic events. Coming to terms with them is an elusive journey.

[therisa]

Thank you, Momzilla. When I started this journey, I never realize, how much my life would be changing, or the speed of this change, I would be experiencing.

[MomzillaNC]

Life change has always seemed to come in flood. Days and pain trickle by, then whoosh! Everything changes all at once.

[therisa]

Some days, I want a handbrake to slow the change down, and others, hit the gas, to increase the change.

[MomzillaNC]

IKWYM -- the changes are like that. The key is, you control it now.

[therisa]

Something, I need to remind myself, once in awhile.